Some Predictions for ’87 and Other Assorted Fairy Tales

With help from a top editor and clairvoyant from the National Tattler, I humbly present, a year early, Orange County’s top sports stories of 1987.

1). The Rams make the playoffs in December with a 10-6 record. They meet the Bears in Chicago, where the temperature dips below zero.

The Rams get off the plane at O’Hare Airport wearing T-shirts and shorts, scoffing at talk that cold weather might affect their playoff chances.

The Bears offer the Ram portable heaters on the sidelines. The team refuses. The Bears offer hand warmers for quarterback Jim Everett. Everett laughs.

During the game, the Bears shiver and huddle together on the sideline. A couple of Rams mix some ice cold lemonade.

The Rams pass the ball successfully. A Bears’ right guard is called for offsides right before the half, nullifying a Chicago touchdown.

The Rams block the ensuing field-goal attempt and return it 65 yards for a touchdown.

The Bears’ quarterback can’t get a grip on the ball. His passes fly into the ground or into the stands.

Rams win, 24-7.

2). The Angels win the division on the last day. Pitcher Mike Witt invites a bunch of sportswriters over to his house for dinner and drinks. Hey, Rod Carew’s there, too! General Manager Mike Port makes an impassioned speech and everyone agrees it was almost like poetry.

The Angels win the pennant in the bottom of the ninth inning of the seventh game, when a mediocre Angel pinch-hitter, acquired in a mid-season trade, sends an 0-2 pitch over the left-field fence. He later says he was actually swinging at a fly that had buzzed the batter’s box.

The Angels get every break in the series. They get every umpire’s call. Manager Gene Mauch makes all the right pitching moves. Owner Gene Autry cries on national television.

The whole thing seems like a dream. Mauch makes the cover of next morning’s paper. It’s a photo of him smiling ear to ear.

3). Cal State Fullerton’s football team travels to Baton Rouge to play the Tigers of Louisiana State University.

The Titan booster club reports that 15,000 fans will make the trip south to cheer for their team. They gather at bus stops, train stations, airports. It’s mayhem. The night before the team departs, a Ye Ol’ Titan Pep Rally/Bon Fire is thrown for the players in the main quad.

The gutsy Titans beat LSU in a huge upset. Fullerton phone lines are jammed with season ticket requests.

Athletic Director Ed Carroll announces that the new, 10,000-seat multipurpose stadium won’t be big enough to house the football team.

4). Former Mater Dei High School star Tom Lewis apologizes to all at a Gary McKnight celebrity roast for acting like such a brat.

He says he knows now what a pain he has been all these years. He admitted that transferring from Capistrano Valley to Mater Dei to USC to Irvine to Pepperdine, all before his 20th birthday, may have been a mistake.

Lewis says he’s leaving basketball to devote his life to the Peace Corps.

5). As a symbol of peace and good will, a Pop Warner game in La Habra is played without police surveillance. A barbed wire barricade erected to keep parents from the playing field is removed.

Afterward, parents and players from both teams meet with officials at midfield for a post-game picnic, where they exchange gifts and pleasantries.

6). A high school football coach in south Orange County is arrested on minor drug charges and initially allowed to continue coaching. It’s not his first offense.

After further discussion, though, the school board agrees that had the successful coach been an English teacher, most parents would be calling for his head.

The coach is kindly asked to leave.

The school board agrees that sports have become too important in society. A committee is formed to re-examine priorities for high school student-athletes.

7). In an amazing development, UC Irvine’s basketball team is referred to in 10 different preseason sporting publications as UC Irvine. Not one Cal-Irving, Irvine State, Anteater U. or “That School, You Know, by Laguna.”

8). Reggie Jackson, now a member of the Oakland A’s, returns to Anaheim Stadium for the first time since the Angels chose not to resign the 40-year-old slugger.

Instead of ripping his former teammates in a huge pregame interview session, Reggie praises Angel management and all sportswriters for their support and kindness over the years.

9). A former major league pitcher, black, is arrested for selling a small amount of cocaine to a fellow employee on company grounds in Irvine.

No drugs are found on the man. The evidence is circumstantial. It takes more than a year for his case to come to trial. In the meantime, the man loses his job, becomes severly depressed and fights with his wife and with alcohol.

In a resounding victory for justice, though, a jury lets the man off with probation, explaining that he had served enough time in judicial red tape.

10). Ram Coach John Robinson and UC Irvine Coach Bill Mulligan are invited to speak at a local function. They decline, claiming they have nothing interesting to say and can recall no charming anecdotal stories.

. . . Oh, a few other things. Aliens from the planet Zontar will invade the county, ending civilization as we know it; the Supremes will reunite and join Twisted Sister in concert at Eddie West Field; and a new vowel, something between A and E will be added to the English language.