Just What Is This--Cotillion Practice?

Where have you gone, Buddy DiLiberto and Jim McMahon? Our nation’s press turns its lonely notebooks to you. Ah, but last Super Bowl’s Abbott and Costello are nowhere in sight.

And how come there’s never a Joe Theismann around when you need one? Or a Raider, any Raider?

The situation is desperate. Three days to the Super Bowl and no superstar or blooperstar has emerged.

Granted, last year’s Chicago unBearables were a tough act to follow. Jim McMahon and his teammates, with some media assist, set new standards for bad taste and good copy. But does that mean that the Giants and Broncos have to give up this easy?

A Super Bowl tradition is in danger of passing away here. Every year, going back to the dawn of SuperTime, a player or two, sometimes a whole team, has emerged to light up our headlines and TV screens with outrageous talk or behavior. The public loves the crazies, so the media dutifully seeks them out. These wackos give spice to the game and serve to remind us that these guys are inhuman after all.

But as of right now, it looks grim for Super Bowl XXI.

No problem keeping score of which team is the most colorful during this pregame buildup. So far it’s the bland leading the bland.

Lawrence Taylor of the Giants showed some potential Wednesday. He huffed into the mandatory press conference with a chip on his shoulder as big as a Gatorade tub.

“I know where the (bleep) I’m going,” Taylor barked when someone tried to direct him to his interview station. “I went through this (bleep) yesterday.”

Someone asked Lawrence why he bothered to show.

“I got a (bleep) phone call,” he groused. He vowed not to attend the Thursday press conference, saying, “I don’t care what I have to pay, I’m not coming tomorrow.”

But a few minutes later Taylor ruined the mood. He was seen actually laughing and joshing with reporters. A pathetic sight.

Giant tight end Mark Bavaro continued to charm the press. His style of repartee would be catchy, except he stole it from Sly Stallone.

Asked why he chose to attend Notre Dame, Bavaro, in a tone you’d use if someone was standing on your foot, replied, “Good school.”

No one asked him to elaborate.

Moving on to Bronco camp, the picture got even bleaker.

The interrogators probed hard. On the social front, for instance, are the Broncos bringing Orange County to its knees?

Someone asked wide receiver Steve Watson about the (wink-wink) Super Bowl nightlife. Wide receivers are notorious seekers of neon. How ‘bout it, Steve-o?

“I’m really here to play football,” Watson said, sending several reporters scrambling for telephones. “I really just enjoy going out, having a quiet dinner, maybe having a beer with the guys, then going to bed early.”

Please, don’t anyone tell John Matuszak what the Super Bowl has come to. Tooz did Super Bowl cities with all the finesse of Godzilla in Tokyo. Tooz loved curfews, because how else would he know what time to start having fun?

So much for the doers. What about the talkers? In the past we’ve had guys such as Dexter Manley, Howie Long, Lyle Alzado, Joe Theismann. They would pour out their hearts, and other vital organs. Theismann, when it came to blowing his own horn, was the white Dizzy Gillespie.

This year, well . . . Denver wide receiver Vance Johnson has been doing a nice job, chatting up a colorful storm, trying to be helpful. But he’s one guy. Denver is Vance Johnson and the Pipps.

Last year, Chicago linebacker Otis Wilson brashly predicted the Bears would shut out the, the . . . who was it they played? Patriots?

This year, Bronco linebacker Ricky (Hot Rod) Hunley, asked if he’s getting sick of hearing all the hype about the Giants’ linebackers, said sincerely, “I like their guys. They’re good ‘backers.”

Any predictions, Ricky? A shutout brewing?

“I don’t think the Super Bowl will be a shutout, by any means.”

Bronco linebacker Karl Mecklenburg had been quoted saying, “(Giants running back) Joe Morris doesn’t scare me.”

Yeah. Now we’re cookin’. But by Wednesday, Mecklenburg was backpedaling.

“I was asked to compare,” Mecklenburg explained. “I said Curt Warner makes every other back in the NFL look average. I think Joe Morris is a very good running back.”

What do you expect from a guy who was pre-med in college? Still, would it have been a violation of the Hippocratic Oath for Mecklenburg to issue a simple “Joe Morris? I’ll rip the midget’s spleen out!”?

But, no. And Mecklenberg didn’t stop with praising midget Morris. Karl got in some nice words on behalf of Lawrence Taylor, saying, “He’s an amazingly God-gifted athlete.”

Here’s where I roll my eyes in despair. Evidently we’re all going to have to wait until Sunday for some action. Not that anyone in the audience will still be awake.

As Wednesday’s Bronco interview session was winding down--how do you wind down from zero?--I overheard linebacker Tom Jackson telling several scribes, “We’re an emotional football team.”

Hey, now there was something I could relate to. Myself, I felt like weeping.