G’Day, Ma, Ya’ll Couldn’t Believe What I Seen Here

Well, Ma, here I am on the Indian Ocean.

Remember hearing about this ocean in school? Oh, come on. Sure you do. Remember that globe your teacher had? Remember when you spun it around? Yeah, that Indian Ocean. I’m on it right now. No, no kidding. I’m upside down!

Bottom of the world, Ma!

No, I haven’t seen any kangaroos yet. No, nobody’s thrown any boomerangs at me yet. No, I haven’t asked anybody why they forgot the “u” in Qantas. Gimme a break, will ya, Ma? I only been here a couple of days.

Whaddaya mean, what have I been doing all this time? I been working. I’m a man at work in the land down under.

OK, OK, so I had a couple of cans of Emu Export with the boys. Emu Export. It’s a beer, Ma. No, I didn’t. I swear. Absolutely not, Ma. No! No, I . . . I . . . all right, Ma, I never could lie to you. It was more than a couple of cans.

What’s that? No, I didn’t drive myself home, Ma. I know better. Besides, I didn’t even rent a car. These people drive on the wrong side of the road. Yeah, like England. Only faster, Ma. Some speeding maniac nearly ran down a buddy of mine from San Jose yesterday. They all drive crazy down here. Yeah. I came 12,000 miles to find out “Mad Max” was a documentary.

What, Ma?

Nude beaches?

Where in the hell . . . I mean, where in heaven’s name did you read about that? A magazine! What magazine? I am not either changing the subject. I, uh . . . uh . . . hey, just you never mind about the nude beaches.

OK, OK, I promise not to go again. Yes, Ma. I know how easily I sunburn. Yes, Ma. I know how painful it would be to get a sunburn there. Yes, Ma.

Wait until I tell you what I did today.

Remember my telling you about them sending me down here to cover these yacht races? Yeah, yacht races. Ain’t that a hoot? Maybe next year they’ll send me to the Arctic Ocean for the walrus races. Yeah.

Anyway, I went to my first one today. Near Fremantle. Free-mantle. Yeah, it’s right by Perth. No . . . Perth. I am not lisping. It’s how you pronounce it.

I got up real early and walked over where the boats were being kept. I hadn’t gotten three steps when this woman walks up to me and slaps a sticker on my shirt that says: “Go Kooka!”

Kooka. It’s the name of the Australian boat--Kookaburra III. Beats me, Ma. They say it’s a bird. Yeah, with a real goofy laugh. Like Woody Woodpecker, I guess.

Anyway, I go down to this dock and board this real big boat called the Sunbird. What? So I can watch the race --whaddaya think I got on a boat for? Because I can’t see the stupid race from the shore, Ma! The stupid race is out in the middle of the stupid ocean, Ma! Geez!

Sixty-five bucks it set me back. Sixty-five Australian bucks. Oh, I dunno--$45, maybe. That was the press discount. What? I did try telling them I knew Olivia Newton-John. Nah, they never fall for that stuff anymore.

Huh? Oh, yeah--the race. So, I’m out here on the Indian Ocean, see. And the weather’s supposed to be real sunny, but it’s not. And the wind’s supposed to be blowing real hard, but it’s not. I’ve seen more wind out of washroom hand-dryers.

Well, Ma, we sail on out to where the race is supposed to start. And alongside us is another boat as big as ours. And over there is a tugboat. And a couple of speedboats. And a couple of dozen sailboats. And a police boat. And some cabin cruisers. And a schooner. And a battleship. And the Achille Lauro, the boat that got hijacked. And the boat from “The Love Boat,” which somebody should have hijacked. And there are people hanging out of every one of these boats.

And right above us is a small plane. And another. And six helicopters. No, make that nine helicopters. And a blimp. And a couple of jets. I figure any second Tom Cruise is gonna buzz by.

It looks like World Wars III and IV. The small boats are going around and around. The big boats are circling like covered wagons. I’ve heard of sailing the bounding main, but I don’t think the main expected this much bounding. It’s like a bathtub with too many rubber ducks.

Well, Ma, there we were, this big floating, uh, flotilla, waiting for these two 12-meter yachts, Stars & Stripes and Kookaburra, to take off. Dennis Conner runs the American boat, and really knows what he’s doing. For starters, he won the coin toss and took the wind.

The Australian skipper is this guy who spells his name funny, Iain Murray. I call him kangaroo captain. He’s trying to hold onto the America’s Cup for his country. They take sailing very seriously in this country. I think it’s because sailing is about the only way to get to this country.

Murray was worried about this big wind they’ve got here called the Fremantle Doctor. His boat isn’t supposed to maneuver in big winds as well as Conner’s. But like I said, Ma, the wind at the start was only about 10 knots. Which isn’t strong enough to knock down Don Knotts. I thought maybe the Fremantle Doctor was out playing golf, but it wasn’t even Wednesday.

The race finally began around 1:30 p.m., Australia time. The race ended around 1:31 p.m., Australia time. By then, Conner had the lead, and wasn’t going to lose it unless his mainsail bumped into a helicopter.

But the race went on all day, Ma. They just kept going around and around, with the leader in front. It was like a Grand Prix auto race, only slower. I’ve seen Federal Express deliveries with more suspense.

Even worse, I didn’t even see it very well. The stupid Sunbird stayed so far away from the yachts, they looked like dinghys. For 65 bucks, I ought to sit as close to the action as Jack Nicholson at Laker games. I shouldn’t have to cover a sports event with a telescope.

And then I get back to dry land, only to discover that Conner and Murray think the spectator boats were much too close. “They were definitely a factor,” Conner said. OK, fine by me, bud. Tomorrow, you and the kangaroo captain take your boats out by yourselves, and when you get back, you can tell us who won.

What, Ma? Complaining? I ain’t complaining. I’m having a hell of a time down under.

How’s everything up over?