HEY, READ THIS--YOU’LL LOVE IT IF YOU HATE N.Y.

The other day I was thinking up some funny New York things for the New Yorker, and here are some of the funny New York things I came up with:

A guy is in the subway, and suddenly he turns into a monster. I don’t know why he does, and it doesn’t really matter. But here’s the funny part: Another guy comes up to him and asks him what time it is, and it doesn’t even bother him that the guy is a monster! Can you believe it?!

Or how about this: There’s a long line of people waiting to pay for their groceries, and some lady comes and tries to cut in line, and the other people just yell at her! I don’t believe it! They don’t even know her but they yell at her!

But you can’t talk about New York unless you talk about the subway. Oh, wait, I already did that one.

What about how expensive the apartments are? Picture this in your mind: A pirate is trying to rent an apartment, and he has his treasure chest with him, and he asks the landlord how much of his treasure he has to pay for the rent. And the landlord says, “All of it.” All of it?! Now, that’s a high rent!

And what about the cabs, you’re saying. I was just getting to that. But first I have an idea for a situation comedy that I want to put in here. Maybe it could be in New York, I don’t know. Anyway, a funny situation comedy would be one where Dick Butkus is married to Zsa Zsa Gabor, because think of it: Dick Butkus and Zsa Zsa Gabor! They’re not even alike, those two!

First, Dick Butkus comes home. Then he starts yelling, “Zsa Zsa, I’m home!” At first you don’t see Zsa Zsa and you’re thinking, “Oh, no, what has Zsa Zsa gotten herself into now?!”

But then she finally comes out and she’s holding a gun. “I’m going to kill you, Dick Butkus,” she says, “because we’re not at all alike. I’m Zsa Zsa Gabor and you’re a big football player.”

I don’t know what happens next, but so far it’s pretty good, don’t you think?

Oh, anyway, the thing I was saying about New York cabs is, the drivers are all from foreign countries. I’m not sure why that’s funny, but it seems like it is. Maybe what’s funny is there’s a cab driver who’s real goofy and funny, and he drives so wild that you fall out of the cab onto the street! Hey, come back here!

And even though you’re all scraped up and your bones are broken, a wino comes up to you and says “Gimme some money.” Gimme some money?! Your bones are all broken, but he still says, “Gimme some money!” He’s a New York wino, all right!

I can’t think of any more funny New York things right now. But if I do, I’ll write them down for the New Yorker, and send them to the New Yorker.

Handey is a comedy writer who means us no harm.