Let’s Call a Timeout! We <i> Need</i> a Timeout--Just to Honor This Man

Hello, everybody! I’m not Chick Hearn. But this morning, from high atop the Western keyboard, I’ll be bringing you my words-eye-view of a classic confrontation, as Chick Hearn takes on the Lakers and the Utah Jazz.

This will be Chick’s 2,000th consecutive Laker broadcast, a streak going back 22 years! Actually, the game won’t be played or broadcast until next Saturday evening. But in this journalist’s humble opinion, a story this big should not be held back.

People ask me, “Scott, how can you describe a broadcast before it actually takes place?” I tell them it’s simple. It’s a matter of incredible anticipation, a sixth sense honed over decades of observing and studying these events.

Now here’s tonight’s starting lineup. At power broadcaster, a 6-foot 4-inch, 210-pounder out of Bradley University, Francis (Chick) Hearn.

Our statistician has just dropped us this note: This is not Chick’s 2,000th consecutive broadcast, as we reported. It is actually his two- millionth consecutive broadcast. Along with Laker games and numerous other sporting events, Chick has provided play-by-play commentary for 127,493 team bus rides, 86,405 taxi rides, 104,000 coffee shop meals--waitresses are his color commentators--and 9,830 card games, including some solitaire. Chick is the only guy alive who can broadcast a haircut or an elevator ride.

In addition, tonight’s game will be the 2,000th consecutive Laker game Chick has coached and refereed.

OK, here we go. There’s the center jump, and ohhhhhh! Chick’s blood pressure is already into double-triples! He is impressing upon his listeners the grave importance of this game, against the Jazz, in February. And he believes it! Chick has never met an NBA game he wasn’t truly enthusiastic about.

He sold the team, and the game, to the fans of Los Angeles. People ask me, “Where would the Lakers be without Chick?” I tell them, “Probably in Boise.”

Look at Chick work! Even though he’s revved up, his necktie is carefully knotted and every hair is in place! Dapper? Chick wears a cravat with his pajamas. I understand Steve Garvey comes to Chick for grooming tips. Chick gets his hair trimmed twice a week, whether it needs it or not.

Now Chick is describing a Laker fast break, which moves too quickly for the human eye, but not for Chick’s. He is actually one pass ahead of Magic! Chick is leading the fast break! To Cooper! To Scott! Back to Magic! To Worthy! Sa-lammmmm dunk!

Can this guy follow the action, fans, or what? Chick wouldn’t miss a shot if he were broadcasting the Gunfight at the OK Corral. Which, come to think of it, maybe he did broadcast.

Now Chick’s got Kareem swinging right, shooting left, from 17 feet, 6 3/4 inches. Ohhhhh! Chick just threw up a prayer, a seven-letter adjective for Kareem’s hook shot! You know, people ask me, “Scott, how can you tell us so darn quickly exactly how many letters are in those words when you’re describing Chick’s broadcast?” I tell them, “It’s simple, silly. I count ‘em.”

Besides, it’s easy with Chick, because of the man’s diction and enunciation. Compared to Chick, Professor Henry Higgins sounded like Mel Tillis.

Oh, oh! Trouble down in the broadcast booth. Chick has spotted the Lakers standing around! The Lakers are standing around out there!

“Easy, Chick,” says his sidekick, Keith Erickson. “They’re standing around because it’s a timeout.”

“That’s no excuse!” Chick says.

I made that up. They didn’t really say that. Or did they? Who knows? Who cares? No harm, no foul. It’s time out on the floor, and time in for this commercial word:

Hi, everybody, I’m Scott Ostler! That’s right, I’m not only writing this column, but I’m going to do commercials, too. Need tires? You bet you do. Find a tire ad on these pages. Call the nice people. Try ‘em, buy ‘em, you’ll like ‘em. Tell ‘em Scott sent you! And now back to the live column.

Magic Johnson throws an incredible pass, and Chick is asking his TV director to show the home viewers a replay. Can we see that play again? Chick’s waiting. Will they find the play on the replay disc? No! The TV crew blows the replay! Chick is fuming!

And down on the court, the two hard-working officials, who have the toughest job in sports, in Chick’s humble opinion, ladies and gentlemen, and who do it so marvelously well, night after night, just blew a call! And Pat Riley has got to call a timeout here! The Lakers desperately need a timeout! Riley is signaling for a timeout.

We’re going into overtime, fans, but Chick is still going strong. The man keeps himself in marvelous physical condition. We chatted with him earlier today and he told us he doesn’t jog or swim. His workout regimen consists of talking. He calls it jawsercize.

We were talking to Chick’s lovely wife, Marge, before the game. She tells us Chick gets so keyed up before a big game--every game, in other words--that he can’t just sit around the house and relax. He takes the dogs for two or three walks. When the dogs get tired, Chick takes the fleas for a walk.

Now the ball’s in play again. Wow! Did you hear that? Chick just put a hot dog, mustard, popcorn, a refrigerator, a yo-yo, a Coop-a-loop and wraparounddribbledrivefallawayprayer, all in one sentence! What a performance by the big former host of “Bowling for Dollars”!

People ask me: “Scott, when do you think Chick’s going to slow down? He’s got to be 70 years old.” I tell them: “Slow down? The man’s just getting warmed up! He’s still got 25 years left on the warranty for his tonsils!”

And tonight, in this reporter’s humble opinion, Chick Hearn is putting on the greatest performance in the history of broadcasting in the 20th Century! Maybe in any century!

He’ll never be able to top this performance. Not until next Tuesday, when the Lakers are at Golden State.