It’s Nearly Spring, So These Must Be the Ostler Awards

A spring bouquet of assorted sports awards:

Standing Room Only Award--To the L.A. Raiders, who ripped out 1,700 Coliseum seats, then halted construction of their luxury boxes, demanding that the Coliseum Commission begin promised improvements.

The Raiders are believed to be the first team in history to hold 1,700 empty seats hostage.

Breakfast of Champeens Award--To Gary Carter and Dwight Gooden. Equipment manager Charlie Samuels of the New York Mets revealed in an exclusive newspaper story that each spring he stocks the lockers of Carter and Gooden with three-pound barrels of Gummi bears, “to get them started.”

Not that big-league ballplayers are pampered. Listen, if Gooden and Carter want Twinkies in the clubhouse, it’s strictly BYO.

Non-news Flash of the Year Award--Bill Yeomans, former University of Houston football coach, admits having made payments to players, but never more than $35, and only for humanitarian purposes.

Next bombshell: Under interrogation, Yeomans breaks down and admits to taking school paper clips for his own use.

New Look Award--To Ozzie (Spongecrusher) Smith. The Cardinals’ slightly built shortstop bulked up during the off-season under the guidance of fitness guru Mackie Shillstone, who previously guided Michael Spinks and Manute Bol. Object: More homers. This will come as news to the Dodgers, who have always considered Oz a serious long-ball threat.

New Look Award, Runner-up--To Dodger pitcher Ken Howell, who, since last season, has dropped 22 pounds and $5,000.

Idea of the Year--To the NCAA subcommittee that recommended a one-game national championship football playoff, the week before the Super Bowl.

After it studies the matter further, the NCAA will decide on a four-team, two-week playoff format, because selecting only two teams would leave too much room for controversy. The first round will be played two weeks before the Super Bowl and the title game on Pre-Super Bowl Sunday.

Forgiveness Award--To the Lakers’ fans, who still love Magic (Celtcrusher) Johnson even though he committed adultery in his heart by fantasizing to a reporter about finishing out his career with the New Yuck Knicks.

Imagine what Celtic fans would do to Larry Bird if he announced his big dream was to play on a team with those great young kids in Cleveland.

This, fans, is the difference between East Coast fans and West Coast fans.

Quote of the Spring--Al (Salarycrusher) Campanis’ oft-uttered, “Why reward mediocrity?” Al is referring to the contract demands of pitchers who went 6-12 last year and shortstops who had the worst fielding percentage in the league.

However, Al had better hope potential Dodger ticket buyers don’t adopt his three-word philosophy.

New Guy Award--To the Rams, for hiring highly regarded assistant coach Ernie (Zonecrusher) Zampese away from the San Diego Chargers.

The Rams not only got a good man, but they got him early, leaving plenty of time to put Ernie under the hot lights and beat him with rubber hoses until he promises to forget any silly notions about passing the football.

Snub City Award--To the Grammy Awards committee, which didn’t give so much as a nomination to the Rams’ “Ram It” rap video, the Raiders’ rap song, or Chick Hearn’s “Rap-Around” recording.

It’s a tragic state of affairs when the music industry, in honoring its own, prizes commercial success over artistic achievement.

Boonecrusher Award--To the Angel pitching staff. In praising unsigned catcher Bob Boone, the pitchers spoke at length of Boone’s talent for “stealing strikes” with his quick hands.

This would be sure to endear Boone to the American League umpires, now publicly exposed for being fooled all these years by Boone’s sleight of hand. Good thing umpires can’t read.

Alibi Ike Award--To Dodger third base hopeful Jeff Hamilton, who hit .224 last half-season and .200 in winter ball.

In one spring newspaper story, Hamilton said he:

--Was too nervous last season.

--Listened to too much advice.

--Would have done better if allowed to play every day (as opposed to hitters who long for a once-a-week gig).

--Plays better “without a spotlight.”

--Played lousy in winter ball because of the bad food.

--Didn’t even want to play winter ball, because “I like to have time off to collect my thoughts.”

Say the Dodgers: A penny for your thoughts. Better you should collect your hits.