Our Man Has All the Answers to All the Latest Questions

Dear Answer Man . . .

The L.A. Raiders are entertaining offers from various cities and groups who want the Raiders , should they decide to move out of the Coliseum. Who is the current front-runner in the Raider Derby?

I hear the Pomona Fair people have the edge. The Raiders are already making contingency plans for becoming the Pomona Fair Raiders. Instead of their traditional one-eyed pirate logo, the Raider symbol would be Porky Pig with an eye patch. The new Raider motto would be “Pride and Pork” (have you noticed the size of the team’s recent draft picks?), and the new coach would be Coy Bacon.

Eric Dickerson says he turned down $50,000 cash from one college in favor of a scholarship to Southern Methodist. He says he was given some money at SMU--”If I needed 5 or 10 dollars, yeah, they’d give it to me.” Do you believe that’s all Dickerson got?

Of course. Fortunately for Eric, in Dallas you can buy yourself a new Corvette for 5 or 10 dollars. Hey, for a few thousand dollars you can buy yourself a Mustang.

What happened to the Houston Rockets? Last I heard, they were down, 3-1, in their series against Seattle , and Houston guard Robert Reid was quoted saying, “We don’t have our backs to the wall, we got our butts sticking out the window of a fast-moving car.”

The Rockets lost the series, and the entire team was arrested for misdemeanor mooning.

Who was it that said of our local basketball team: “When they dunk in your face, then go around jiving, that’s the Lakers”?

Golden State Warrior Coach George Karl made that statement. His quote has been expanded into a hit song, sung to the tune of the old Dean Martin standard, “That’s Amore .”

The State Community College Commission has outlawed use of chewing tobacco among athletes during sporting events. I assume that rule is aimed at baseball, since you rarely see gymnasts or wrestlers chewing tobacco during competition. Now the NCAA is considering a ban on tobacco, also aimed at college baseball players who chew. I’m deeply concerned. Where will the next generation of ballplayers learn to chew and spit tobacco?

I, too, am concerned. Without the early training once afforded by college ball, we’re going to be seeing a lot of young major leaguers swallowing tobacco chaws, drooling and splattering all over themselves and generally making a mockery of a once-dignified baseball tradition.

A ray of hope: Reggie Jackson will host a summer camp for kids, stressing the two skills that carried Jackson to fame and fortune. At “Reggie’s College of Hittin’ ‘n Spittin’,” campers will learn Reggie’s patented between-the-teeth, machine-gun style of expectoration. Jackson doesn’t go for distance as consistently as he did in his prime, of course, but on occasion, and with a decent tailwind, he can still reach back and sail one to the pitcher’s mound.

What is Clipper center Benoit Benjamin doing to stay in shape during the off-season?

Benoit was going to launch a weight-lifting program, but he couldn’t get the weights out of his car. Now he plans to compete in as many 1-K runs as he can find.

What’s the deal with the Anaheim Stadium organ? The former organist assaulted us with non-stop schmaltz. He played accompaniment to foul balls as they bounced in the stands, he played passing trains, he had cut e sy theme songs for each player. This season, the Angels hired a new organist, and word was he was instructed to cut back on the cornball stuff. Well, I went to a game the other night and the new organ grinder made whistle-bomb sounds when a foul ball headed for the stands. When a manager got into a beef with the umps, the organist played what sounded like angry dogs barking. A player got injured, knocked senseless , dead, for all we knew. The fans grew quiet, the organist played, “There’s a Kind of Hush.” Did this guy once play organ backup for silent movies, or what? Did he play in the Spike Jones band? I go to an Angel game and I feel like I’m sitting through a Tom and Jerry cartoon!

Easy, pal. Calm down. It’s not the organist’s fault. The Anaheim Stadium organ, like the Stadium itself, is haunted. The organist has no control over what comes out over the speaker system. They tried cutting off the electricity and jamming the organ pipes with nacho cheese, but the haunted organ plays on.

The Stadium management tried to get rid of the organ, donating it to a funeral home. But the organ would play songs like “The Mexican Hat Dance” and Led Zeppelin’s “Stairway to Heaven,” and make sounds like a slide whistle and breaking glass as the casket was being lowered into the ground.

One legend is that the spirit has vowed to keep playing until the Angels win a league championship, so don’t hold your breath. Just hold your ears.