BOILING PLOTS COOKED UP FOR NEW TV SEASON

The networks have announced their fall schedules, which are totally lacking, as always. No imagination. No oomph. So again they must be led from the darkness into the light. One last time, that is, for I can’t supply these ideas forever:

--”Kukla, Fran and Ollie North.” Rejuvenated prime-time puppet show with the famed Iran- contra figure singing the Kuklapolitan Players theme: “Here we are, back with you again. Yes, by gum and yes by golly, Kukla, Fran and dear old Ollie.”

--”Jim & Tammy Package.” Part 1 is “The Jim & Tammy Shopping Show.” Part 2 is “The Jim & Tammy Worship Hour,” as the Bakkers explain the joys of spirituality through hedonism and selfish materialism. Part 3 is “Me and My Face,” with Tammy giving tips on makeup. Part 4 is an hour drama starring Jim and Tammy as private eyes.

--”Mr. Edward.” Fantasy. CBS News is visited by a talking horse claiming to be Edward R. Murrow.

--”Presidential Eye.” Tough guys Richard Nixon, Gerald Ford, Jimmy Carter and Ronald Reagan get into plenty of tight scrapes after opening their own private detective agency.

--”Swimming With Esther and Al.” Prime-time aquatic show marking the return of the legendary Esther Williams to spectacular watertainment. Special weekly buoyancy feature: Former Los Angeles Dodgers Vice President Al Campanis demonstrates floating in water.

--”This Is Your Wife.” An old favorite with a delightful new twist, as each week Ralph Edwards surprises another bigamist.

--”Pick a Finger.” A moving and tender miniseries about the life and times of Joan Rivers.

--”Beg!” The return of prime-time quiz shows is marked by a fun and unique hour of torture and humiliation.

--”Max Bedroom.” Inventive science-fiction fantasy about a man who awakens one morning to discover he has become a bedroom. Adult material.

--”My Sister, Sam Donaldson.” A hilarious sitcom about two sisters, one humble, the other smug, abrasive and unbearable.

--”Obstruction of Justice Bowling.” Celebrity participation. You’ve seen them on TV and in court. And now root for your favorites as the guys from Watergate and Irangate clash in a bowling spectacular you won’t forget.

--”Barbara Asks.” A public affairs series consisting solely of Barbara Walters’ face as she asks melodramatic questions.

--”Hill Street Flues.” A weekly hour of pathos and peril about chimney sweeps putting their lives on the line.

--”Lizard Taylor.” Mystery. Everyone is baffled when an exquisite movie star becomes a tiny reptile.

--”Rattlesnake Men.” Men by day, rattlers by night, they’re caught and caged. (Premise needs work.)

--”Transexual Siberian Railway.” Unusual adventure.

--”Zsa Zsa’s Boys.” Zsa Zsa Gabor’s former husbands open a private-eye agency.

--”Sure, Whatever You Say.” Pioneering sitcom. Two girls from opposite sides of the tracks and with nothing in common become college roommates and get along beautifully.

--”Noodles.” Zany comedy about a guy just nuts about noodles. Instead of a tie, he wears a noodle. Instead of a belt, he wears a noodle. He even ties his shoes with noodles. Eventually he’s locked away, because he’s obviously off his noodle.

--”The Days and Nights of Snap Snapperson.” Warm, family drama. Snap is nearing 40, stuck in a job he hates, married to a woman he despises, father of three homely children who have long police records, owner of a sheepdog that isn’t housebroken. On top of that, he wakes up one day to find his house crawling with terrorists. Through it all, though, Snap Snapperson finds a way to laugh and look at the bright side. “No one promised life would be a snap,” says Snap Snapperson after suffering a massive coronary.

--”L.A. Eunuchs.” An ensemble cast shines in this weekly drama about the intrigues in a glamorous harem.

--”Pipe and Plunger.” Sam Pipe and Seymour Plunger make their livings as plumbers while living secret lives as government agents.

--”Mrs. Know It All.” Warm comedy. Sadie thinks she knows everything. Tell her that her hair is on fire, she’ll say, “I know.” Tell her that the sky is green, she’ll say, “I know.” Tell her that she knows everything, she’ll say, “I know.” Irritating? You bet. Obnoxious? Always. But darned if Sadie isn’t also lovable. Tell her that and she replies, “I know.”

--”Mr. Soft Soap.” Warm comedy. Everyone calls Roger Dexter Mr. Soft Soap. Why? Because he has a euphemism for every occasion. When it pours, he says it’s sprinkling. When he discovers his kitchen is infested with roaches, he says, “Well, look who came for dinner. I do hope they’ll leave before dessert.” When his boat capsizes, he says, “What a nice day for a swim.” When a shark approaches, he says, “I always love company.” Can you blame his friends for calling him Mr. Soft Soap--and Stupid?

--”Switcheroo.” More mysterious tales of the supernatural. In the pilot, evangelist Oral Roberts and Los Angeles Dodgers pitcher Orel Hershiser inexplicably change places. Orel Hershiser enters the prayer tower to consult with God while Oral Roberts takes the mound against the Cincinnati Reds. The twist comes when both Oral and Orel go on TV, Roberts to reveal that the Lord has promised to call him home if he doesn’t shut out the Reds, Hershiser to reveal that he has healed humanity of warts. In another episode, Mona Lisa changes places with Liza Minnelli, but her one-woman show on Broadway is panned by the critics.

--”Love Boot.” Weekly heartwarming drama. A dozen tiny estranged couples are swept out to sea in a boot, where they dance till dawn and resolve their differences. After the boot is washed ashore, the tiny couples emerge all smiles, but are immediately devoured by a crab.

--”Whose Number?” More prime-time games, as contestants try to match Irangate figures with their numbered Swiss bank accounts.