A Parent Lends Hand, Another Buries Head

One of the saddest fallouts of high school drug and alcohol abuse is what it has done to many parents. They’re frightened to watch their children leave each morning, not knowing whether this school day will be the one their kids choose to use drugs.

“My children are the joy of my life,” said Bob Spence, former baseball coach at Fountain Valley’s Los Amigos High School.

“But, I get a knot in my stomach every morning when they leave for school. I love my kids and I can take care of them when they’re at home, but you’re helpless when they go to school. Sometimes I think the only way to solve it is to put bars on the doors and windows.”

Perhaps the only thing sadder is that many parents are not scared. They read about the problem, see it on television and hear the gossip at booster club meetings, and all the time they figure it could never happen to their kids.

“I’ll go into a situation where I’ve been asked to address a parent group at the school and we might have 300 to 400 parents,” said Dave Larson of the National Council on Alcoholism. “I’ll make the statement that 97% of all the students in the school are experimenting with drugs and alcohol. And every parent in the audience says to themselves, ‘Whew! Thank God my kid is in the 3%.’ ”

The people who deal with teen-age drug abuse every day have seen both kinds of parents. On one side those who realize their kids are vulnerable, but are confused on how to help. On the other, the parents who realize there is a problem, but deny their child could ever be involved.

The experts say that neither family is immune from the problem. The first may be victims despite their concern, the second may be inviting trouble.

Mike Walsh is one those parents who did everything right. He had always made time for his son, Danny--Boy Scouts, booster clubs, accompanying him to anti-drug seminars. So when he found out that Danny, a water polo player at Buena Park High School, and a friend had smoked marijuana before a match, he didn’t know what to feel.

“There was a lot of wondering why,” he said. “I wondered if I had missed something? But this happened at the school. It’s very frustrating because it’s impossible to cover every base.”

After the anger and frustration had subsided, the Walsh family went about ways to solve the problem. Danny was not allowed to leave the house unless his parents were well informed where he was going, with whom and for how long.

“We kept very close tabs on him for about three months,” Mike said. “We eased off gradually.”

The family attended group sessions with other families facing similar problems. They talked openly about things, they acted out different roles.

“I think we started to understand each other better,” Mike said. “We got closer. I started to understand the pressure he is under at school to try that stuff. It’s tremendous. I’m glad I’m not a teen-ager these days.”

The talk continued when the family left the sessions. New lines of communication had been opened.

“I was so surprised that they (his parents) didn’t come down hard on me,” Danny said. “They tried to understand why. It was less punishment, more trying to get involved. I felt like I could talk to them about what I was feeling.”

From the lessons learned, Danny helped institute a player program on the water polo team in which players signed contracts promising each other they would not use drugs or alcohol during the season.

That Danny Walsh’s parents felt angry is understandable, that they went beyond their anger and worked with their child to solve the problem is commendable.

“What’s the good of killing the kid, you’re only going to scare him from ever coming to you again,” said Elgie Belizzio, a Salinas school administrator and executive director of Sunrise House, an outpatient crisis center in Salinas. “Hey , they’re kids. Growing up is a damn hard thing to do. A kid needs to know he has his parents working with him, even when he makes a mistake.”

But there are some parents--the ones who think their kids are above the problem--who refuse to see the problem even when their child comes home bleary-eyed and weak-kneed.

“All my mom had to do was smell my breath to know I was drunk,” said Greg, a baseball player at a south Orange County high school. Greg is a recovering alcoholic and drug abuser. “I didn’t even try to hide it, I was so messed up. But she pretended like she didn’t know.”

Greg is an athlete, a varsity baseball player, and therefore perceived by many to be different, safe.

“People have the perception that athletes are immune to the teen drug problem,” said Dr. Joe Sanders, a pediatrician from the Medical College of Georgia who specializes in adolescence health care. “That’s not true. Athletes are just as susceptible to experimenting as any kid, maybe even more so. Athletes have that feeling of invincibility.”

But experts say parents can take steps to lessen the likelihood that their children will turn to drugs.

The first and most important step is to simply recognize that any kid is vulnerable. And athletes may be even more so.

Athletes have certain pressures thrust upon them to perform well--to win--that many other students do not feel. Therefore, the motives to use drugs to improve their performance or to ease the pressure when they do not perform well--when they lose--is great.

“If kids feel that pressure to succeed and believe that the use of chemicals will improve their performance, there’s a very good chance they’re going to use chemicals,” said Tim Allen, executive director of the Break Through Clinic in Costa Mesa. “If I know that I dropped a pass and I feel terrible about myself. And I feel everyone in the school and my mom and dad and the coaches are down my throat and I know the chemicals will take away the pain, I’ll go out and get drunker than hell.”

The experts say it’s critical for parents--and children--to understand from the start that sports are fun, not mandatory. That win or lose, their children are still loved, still good human beings. And no matter what the child’s prowess, athletics makes up only one facet of his or her life.

“If athletics is the only way kids know how to deal with things, the only way kids can make friends, that’s as bad or addictive as the drugs,” Allen said. “Because you become so consumed with that, you forget the other things in your life. These kids are only 16 years old. They have 16-year-old minds and we expect them to act like professionals.”

For kids to learn, they must be taught. There is no more effective way than by example and the most important examples set for kids are their parents’ everyday actions. A bad role model may lead a kid down the wrong road.

“I got drunk with my parents on a camping trip,” said Joe, a football player at south Orange County high school who is a recovering alcoholic and drug abuser. “They figured it was all right because I was with them. But it was like telling me it was OK to get drunk.”

Many times, the bad example comes from well-meaning parents. The parent-hosted beer party is a case in point. The alarming number of drunk driving traffic accidents has moved some parents to hold parties at their homes, submitting to one evil to avoid a tragedy. Many times the parties are after athletic contests.

“They buy the kids beer, then have a party at their house,” said Craig Rebeck, a discus thrower at Mission Viejo’s Capistrano Valley High School. “They take everyone’s keys. If they’re (kids) going to do it (drink), they let them do it there instead of going out on the road. That’s a new trend. There are so many parties like that.”

The parents think they’re doing the best thing--considering the circumstances and the statistics--that can be done. But, they’re sending a message to the kids. It’s OK to drink. It’s OK to get drunk.

“Those people should be arrested,” said Bill Workman, Orange Coast College football coach, and former coach at Huntington Beach’s Edison High School. “I told my boosters that if they’re tapping a keg or providing a place for the party, we’ll refund their money for the booster club, they are no longer welcome. They’re not boosting, they’re an anchor. For every screwed up kid, there are screwed up parents.”

But like their kids at school, many parents want to be accepted, want to be considered a friend. It’s an understandable desire, but dangerous.

“Parents are intimidated by their kids,” said Max Schneider, a Santa Ana physician who treats addicts at St. Joseph’s Hospital in Orange. “They want to be liked by their kids. When people ask for advice I tell them, ‘Be a parent.’ But being a parent is hard work. Being a friend is easy.”