Burn Victims Also Cope With Scars of the Mind

Just go to the mirror and look at yourself. And see what the person has to say. For it isn’t your mom or dad or sib, who judgment upon you must pass. The person whose opinion counts most in your life is the one staring back from the glass.

--Sign on wall at Disneyland Hotel, site of National Burn Survivor Conference

Marie Rothenberg has bypassed self-pity and outgrown anger and resentment in the four years since her son David was severely burned in a motel room fire set by her ex-husband.

She has gained a spiritual insight, Rothenberg says, that has helped her deal with the stares and cold shoulder some people give her son, now 11.

That was her message to 25 parents of burn victims at the National Burn Survivor Conference on Saturday at the Disneyland Hotel in Anaheim. Nearly 100 burn victims and their families from across the United States and Canada attended the conference, sponsored by the Orange County Burn Assn.

Rothenberg, a panelist in a discussion about the needs of children scarred by fire, said she used her experiences as an abused child of divorced parents and an alcoholic mother to help herself “handle and understand some of the things David was going through.”

“I understand suffering, I understand pain,” she said. “I was forced with the decision to deny myself self-pity and put David’s feelings first.”

She said she was “praying one minute for him to live and the next minute for him to die” until a priest convinced her to leave that decision to God.

“But I couldn’t understand praying and turning it over to God until one day it just clicked,” she said.

David, burned over 95% of his body, has lost nearly all his hair, and an infection forced doctors to amputate his fingers to save his arms.

Rothenberg said she learned to stop lashing out at people who stared at David and to force herself to be positive for his benefit and hers. And, she said, “I had to free myself of the anger against my husband for the crime. I had to find forgiveness inside of me and move on with David.”

Avoiding hostility and self-pity and moving on was the theme of conference speakers.

Burn victims are living in “a fantasy land” when they give way to self-pity and feel that they are “unlovable,” said Father William Barman, a burn victim and associate pastor of Saint Bonaventure Church, Huntington Beach.

“I’m grateful that I don’t judge people by the clothes they wear or by the scars they wear,” he said. “I think that my burn experience . . . was the refining fire of the Lord.”

Barman was burned on July 31, 1974, “a day of infamy for me,” he said. He was 18, working for an oil company in Alaska, burning trash in an incinerator when fuel fumes ignited. He suffered second- and third-degree burns from his elbows to his fingertips and from the top of his back to his heels.

Counsels Burn Victims

Barman said he uses the experience to counsel burn victims, mainly at UC Irvine Medical Center in Orange.

“I’m not afraid to go into hospitals to tell my experiences,” he said.

“Some people get mad at God,” he said. “It’s OK to get mad at God; he can handle it. But anger doesn’t move you ahead.” Instead, he said, “listen to the inner voice that says to believe in you.”

Public reaction to burn victims “is a big problem in L.A.,” said Ranelle Wallace, whose face was severely burned in an airplane crash in Utah in 1985. “People look at appearance, but it’s the person and their heart people should look at.”

Wallace, a speech pathologist, was hailed as a heroine when--her body still swollen just two days after being released from the hospital--she rescued neighbors from their burning home.

The conference also hosted six burn victims ages 4 to 15, who took part in activities intended to help them handle children who tease them and “get an idea of self-concept,” said Vicki Brunn, a child-life specialist.

In a spacious hotel room, they drew life-size pictures of how they perceived themselves. They talked about what they would do if they had $1 million and what they would do if they were God.

Answered one child, who had been burned in a car accident: “Bring peace to the world.”