Tell Them to Get Their Buns Over to Wimbledon Straightaway

WIMBLEDON, England-- Wimbledon is . . .

. . . Buzzer stewing over the Bath Buns.

Buzzer is R.E.H. (Buzzer) Hadington, chairman of Wimbledon. The main man.

Bath Buns are sweet rolls baked in the approximate shape of a hamburger bun. They are named for the city of their origin. They have a light lemon flavor and are topped with sugar crystals.

A couple of years ago, the Buzzer became aware of a market deteriorating in the quality of the Bath Buns served at Wimbledon. The sugar crystals were becoming sandy instead of frosty, and the lemon flavor was disappearing.

Buzzer quietly waged a campaign to restore the integrity of the Bath Buns recipe.

“My chairman is antagonistic to bad Bath Buns,” Ted Tinling, Wimbledon chief of protocol, says proudly. “This week, after a two-year battle, I’m happy to say we’ve managed to reintroduce the flavor of lemon.”

. . . English weather.

This year’s rain is being blamed on Chinese scientists who have been spraying rain-inducing chemicals over raging forest fires. The particles are blowing across Europe, bringing more rain.

After one Wimbledon rain delay, an American sportswriter is wiping water off a bench before sitting down.

“Good idea,” says a woman, approvingly. “An itchy bum can be a big problem at Wimbledon.”

. . . An end to great expectorations.

When players were seen spitting on the court during a BBC telecast of the French Open, a Wimbledon switchboard lit up with calls from outraged English tennis fans, demanding that their tournament be protected from such disgusting behavior.

This year, players are officially prohibited from spitting on the Wimbledon courts.

Lord help the British tennis fans if they ever get a look at American baseball.

. . . The class system.

The no-name players in the men’s draw are relegated to dressing for battle in something called Locker Room No. 2.

Peter Doohan dressed there Friday before upsetting Boris Becker.

When Doohan returned triumphant to the humble quarters, according to Tim Mayotte: “Everyone gave Doohan a standing ovation. It was a victory for Locker Room 2.”

. . . The star system.

Doohan (pronounced Doon) revealed that he had been staying at a London YMCA, paying about $140 per week. He moved into a hotel Saturday.

The same day, Boris Becker checked out of his $400-per-night suite at the Park Lane Hotel.

Doohan was riding the press shuttle to the tournament each day; Becker was chauffeured to and from Wimbledon in a Rolls-Royce.

Only two cars were allowed onto the Wimbledon grounds this fortnight--the car carrying Royalty to the Royal Box, and the car carrying Becker.

And now there is one car.

. . . Signs.

Over a low doorway just off No. 1 Court: “Mind Your Head.”

. . . Chauvinism

Of the 375 members of the All England Lawn Tennis and Croquet Club, 300 are male.

The men’s champion will receive 155,000 pounds (about $300,000), the women’s champ will receive 139,500 pounds.

However . . .

The women’s dressing room has pink doors, pink carpets, patterned curtains and quaint settees. The vanity units and mirrors are bathed in flowers. While the men change next to one another in the middle of their room, the women have private cubicles.

. . . The Royal Box.

“The British housewife comes to see the Royals,” Tinling says. “For the polyester mums in the sticks, there’s nothing more exciting.”

The Duke and Duchess of Kent are Royal Box regulars. Fergie, the Duchess of York, has made an appearance this year.

The Royal Box is humble in appearance. It is six rows of end-zone seats. No hot tubs, no wet bars, no enclosure. Hardly a luxury box, except for the seat pads, vases of flowers and a small TV monitor.

Queen Mary almost never missed a day of Wimbledon during her reign. She believed in avoiding exposure to the sun. Accordingly, on a sunny day the Queen would move back a row every half hour or so, in order to remain in the shade.

Since no one is allowed to sit in front of her Royalty in the Royal Box, everyone in the box would move back. By the end of the afternoon, about 70 guests would be cramed into the last row or two of the box.

One day a woman just outside the box fainted from the heat. Queen Mary leaned over and said, “Would you take my fan?”

Last year, the Duke of Kent, during a scorcher of a day, for the first time in history invited the gentlemen in their Royal Box to remove their jackets.

At 4:30 each afternoon--although not in the middle of a set, and usually not during the finals--the Royalty and invited guests to break for tea.

. . . Head groundskeeper Jim Thorn revealing that he uses the Centre Court ball refrigerator to keep his milk cool.

. . . The tube.

An efficient London subway, by which most of the 40,000 or so fans reach Wimbledon each day of the championships.

An American riding the tube notices a group of well-behaved schoolboys. They get off at their stop, and one boy drops a wallet. The American finds it. It contains a few coins, a few family photos and a Walter Payton football card.

The American turns in the wallet to a subway ticket taker. Three days later, same station, the ticket taker hails the American.

“Good news, mate. The lad returned and claimed his wallet. He wanted you to have this.”

It was a school photo of the boy.

. . . Touts.

We call them scalpers, their business is illegal, but enforcement is almost non-existent. Until Friday, that is, when several of them engaged in a spirited turf war, a free-for-all punchout and several were arrested.

. . . Scoops.

It is reported that Steffi Graf, age 18, has been offered $270,000 by the West German version of Penthouse magazine to pose nude. Graf is asked if the report is true.

She lowers her head and turns beet red.

“Yes,” Steffi says. “I was really surprised that someone could get the idea that I would do it, even sink (think) of it. It was strange.”

. . . Hero worship.

A 50-yard-long strip of pavement outside the locker room is sectioned off and designated the “Viewing Lane.”

All day long, this is where hundreds of fans, mostly kids, mostly girls, ogle the players as they come and go.

“I walk out of the locker room and there are 150 young girls there with cameras,” says Jeremy Bates, the British player ranked No. 239 in the world. “The flashlights (flashbulbs) pop, and then as I walk past I hear them asking each other, ‘Who’s that?’ ”

. . . Flora and fauna

Wimbledon is really a small park. Along with the beautiful grass courts, there is an abundance of colorful flowers, and huge trees.

Practicing on one of the outer courts Thursday, British player Judy Salmon accidentally flings her racket into the air. It sticks in the branches of a tree.

Security personnel fetch it down the next day, but it is waterlogged and ruined.

. . . Buzzer still stewing over Bath Buns.

Buzzer Hadington’s courageous battle on behalf of better Bath Buns is not over yet.

He tastes the new recipe Saturday. Right taste, but the buns are a little stale.

Seems the truck that trucked in the last shipment of Bath Buns from Yorkshire (they’re no longer baked in Bath) was unable to negotiate the ancient, narrow street leading to Wimbledon, so only day-old buns were available.

And you think running Wimbledon is easy.

If this keeps up, the masses are liable to rise up and distribute bumper stickers: “Shun The Bun.”