YIPES! ‘WEREWOLF’ IS ON THE PROWL AND WE’RE THE VICTIMS

Poor Kelly. She loves this guy, but the big lug turns out to be a werewolf. So what does she do, smooch him or shoot him with a silver bullet?

Is someone kidding here?

After a long delay, Fox launches its Saturday schedule with the two-hour premiere of “Werewolf” at 8 p.m. (Channels 11 and 6), thereafter to be a half-hour series airing at 9 p.m. between the unpremiered “The New Adventures of Beans Baxter” and “Karen’s Song.”

The “Werewolf” opener is a real mouthful. Eric Cord (John York) learns that his friend Ted (Raphael Sbarge) has been turned into a bloodthirsty, human-hunting werewolf. Look, these things happen.

Eric sadly drops Ted with a silver bullet, but only after being bitten by Ted and turned into a werewolf himself. This naturally disturbs Eric, who can break the werewolf curse only by finding and killing Janos Skorzeny (Chuck Connors), a sort of super-werewolf who heads a bloodline of werewolves.

Naturally, Eric’s girl, Kelly (Michelle Johnson), doesn’t really go for all of this, but he’s still her guy, even though he nightly grows enormous fangs, sprouts thick hair over his entire body, bursts through his clothes (the replacement costs must be enormous) and stalks human prey.

But is Eric a werewolf with a heart of gold or what? You’ll cheer and applaud as he dukes it out with the disgusting Janos--just a couple of wild and crazy werewolves having some blood-curdling fun--over the terrified Kelly. Then Janos vanishes into the night, as werewolves tend to do.

Oh boy. Despite good special effects from Rick Baker and Greg Cannom and some interesting direction from David Hemmings, “Werewolf” is about as scary as “Saturday Night Live.” And, unintentionally, every bit as funny. Wait till you hear Connors howl.

The script from series creator/executive producer Frank Lupo is nothing to howl about, witness Eric’s lamentations about werewolfism: “It’s about as horrible as cancer. . . . When you get it you get it.” Yes, well, file that one.

Meanwhile, “Werewolf” is nothing more than formula TV with fangs. A la “The Fugitive” et al., each episode will find the tortured Eric on the road in search of Janos, while on the run himself from bounty hunter Alamo Joe Rogan (Lance LeGault), who turns out to be a philosopher. “Nothing is worse than a nightmare,” says Alamo Joe profoundly, “except one that you can’t wake up from.”

Or two that you can’t wake up from. Or three. Or waking from one and being attacked by a pit bull. Or watching “Werewolf.”

Awooooooooh!