You Can’t Tell the Ants From Lions

What with all the revelations of illegal payments in the Southwest Conference and elsewhere the past few years, plus the recent decline in quality of the National Football League, it just isn’t possible to tell the pros and colleges apart.

So, this week, the befuddled Bottom Ten selectors issued a combined set of rankings. As expected, the leader is the team from New York that’s in the midst of an incredible losing streak and is often associated with the world of books.

That’s right: the New York Ants (0-4), currently the subjects of 12 books (all at a garage sale near you!) and with a 13th due out soon: “From Super Bowl to Super Mole in Less Than One Year!”

The Ants edged out neighboring Columbia, which has also compiled an 0-4 record as well as a 35-game losing streak--but against much tougher competition. The yawning Lions won’t really be taken seriously until around 3:52 p.m. (EST) on Nov. 19, 1988, when they break the all-time National Collegiate Athletic Assn. record of 50 straight drubbings held by Macalester (Minn.) College of Division III infamy.

Unfortunately, Columbia and the Ants are not scheduled to face each other this year. However, in one interesting matchup, No. 8 USC (3-2) plays Washington (4-2)--either the college or the pro team, the selectors weren’t sure at press time.

Confusion is, in fact, rampant in football these days. Air Force, forsaking its heritage, gained just 23 yards passing in a 23-13 win over sinkable Navy (0-5).

Against the Los Angeles Masqueraiders Monday night, Denver (formerly Denvelway) was given a rare opportunity to attempt a field goal on fifth down by the referees (who must also be strike replacements).

And personnel matters are so mixed up in Tampa Bay that Coach Ray Perkins mistook a weather bulletin for a scouting report and announced that the team was close to signing Hurricane Floyd.

CRUMMY GAME OF THE WEEK: N.Y. Ants (0-4) vs. Buffalo (1-3).

ROUT OF THE WEEK: Oklahoma (5-0) over Lean Bay (1-2-1).

*--Based on USC Coach Larry Smith’s statement: “We were the worst tackling team in America.”

**--Based on Ohio State Coach Earle Bruce’s statement: “This is the darkest day in Ohio State football since I’ve been associated with it.”

YOU MUST BE KIDDING: ABC announcer Dan Dierdorf said Monday night: “One thing about these Raiders . . . they have so much confidence that they can come back in the fourth quarter.” (Uh, those aren’t the real Raiders, Dan.)

ANOTHER CHERISHED NFL RECORD BROKEN BY A STRIKEBREAKER: Washington kicker Obed Oriri, pushed back after a series of penalties, kicked a point after touchdown from 40 yards out.

The Rankings:

Team, Record Last Loss Next Loss 1. N.Y.Ants (0-4) 12-38, Washngtn Buffalo 2. Columbia (0-4) 8-38, Princeton Yale 3. Buffalo (1-3) 7-14, N. England N.Y. Ants 4. Miss. (1-5) 6-35, Kentucky SW Louisiana 5. K.C.Papooses (1-3) 0-42, Miami Denver 6. Nthwstrn (0-4-1) 33-45, Minnehaha Michigan St. 7. Philadelphia (1-3) 22-41, Dallas Lean Bay 8. USC (3-2)* 27-34, Oregon Washington 9. Detroit Tigers (1-4) 5-9, Minnesota idle 10. Lean Bay (1-2-1) 16-19, Maladroit Philadelphia 11. Illinois (1-4) 3-9, Purdue Wisconsin 12. Mylanta (1-3) 17-25, S Fran Also-Rams 13. Bill & Mary (2-3) 34-40, Yale Delaware 14. Maladroit (1-3) df. LeanBay 19-16 Seattle 15. Ohio St. (3-1-1)** 10-31, Indiana Purdue 16. N.O. Aints (2-2) 19-24, St. Louis Chicago 17. Texas (2-3) 9-44, Oklahoma Arkansas 18. Also-Rams (1-3) def. Pitts 31-21 Mylanta 19. Tampa (2-2) 13-17, San Diego Minnesota 20. N.Y. Gliders (2-2) 0-6, Indianapolis Miami