Dickerson Has Nowhere to Run

Before today’s game against the Scab Francisco 49ers, the Rams installed a new option offense for their superstar running back, Eric Dickerson. The options they gave him are these:

--Shut up and play football.

--Make like a quarterback and take a hike.

--Prepare for an exciting new career in computer technology.

--Walk a picket line with a sign that reads: “Rams Unfair to Me.”

--Move to Irwindale.

--Consider the possibilities of Australian Rules.

--Instead of us doubling your pay, continue to play half a game, as at Cleveland.

--Sell shares of yourself to investors, as the Boston Celtics did.

--Go back to Southern Methodist University, where the money was better. As of Saturday, the Rams still did not appear to be certain if that gifted little money-grubber of theirs, Eric Dollarsign, ever would play another down.

By butting him off their roster last Thursday, the Rams, in true Hollywood tradition, might have been saying to him: “You’ll never work in this town again.” Which was OK with Eric, who, as we all by now know, is more a Buffalo kind of guy.

On the other hand, the Rams might have been bluffing. Possibly they were prepared to welcome E.D., the extra-theatrical back, with open arms, if not open pocketbooks, as soon as he apologized and promised that he would be a good little running back and would never do bad stuff like this again.

First, they had to make sure Eric was no longer bothered by his two charley horses, the one below his hip, and the one above his ears.

In this crazy, strike-filled, revolving-door National Football League season of ours, we no longer know who is going to be suiting up. The 49ers might be startled today to see a No. 29 in the Ram backfield, wearing glasses, only to discover as they pile on top of him that he is really an insurance salesman from El Segundo, filling in.

It is hard to keep everything straight. Let’s see: When the pro football players are on strike, Joe Montana decides to play. But, when the pro football players are no longer on strike, Eric Dickerson decides not to play. And, when he is busy playing baseball, Bo Jackson decides to also play football. Hmmm. Next thing you know, Jeffrey Leonard will enter the Olympic figure skating.

Would anybody mind if we went back and started the football season over? No, seriously. Start with the draft. No, the regular draft. Not the special Brian Bosworth draft. Not the special Cris Carter draft. The plain old draft. Let’s go back in time, like when Superman flies around the planet backwards. Start over. Do things right.

First, Tampa Bay does not go out and draft a multi-millionaire, second-string quarterback. Since we now know that Steve DeBerg is the quarterback of the Buccaneers, and that the Buccaneers need help at every other football position ever invented, they get to go out and draft a player who will actually play.

Next, Indianapolis does not draft Cornelius Bennett, linebacker from Alabama, since we now know that old Corny was just kidding when he said he didn’t give a hoot who drafted him.

Corny’s still a contract holdout, see. He has sat out through training camp, through two weeks of play, through three strike weeks and through everything else, so how about if we let Indianapolis draft somebody it could use, like say, Vinny Testaverde. This is a team that an insurance salesman from El Segundo could help.

Next, we do not have to go through all the BS from Bosworth about which teams he will play for and which teams he won’t play for, since we now know that Brian Bosworth, just like Eric Dickerson, will play for absolutely any team, including a mule team, if the money is right. Next, since we now know that the New York Giants were just a fluke, we can save all that money we spent on books written by the Giants, so that at Christmas we can buy “Frank Viola: The Man and the Myth,” “The Juan Berenguer Workout Book,” “Tom Kelly’s How to Win Friends and Influence People,” “Get Out Your Handkerchiefs: The Saga of the Minnesota Twins” and other related books that will soon be in the stores.

What a terrible year it has been. We have endured freeway shootings, earthquakes, stock market crashes, Persian gulf clashes, a football strike, airplane disasters, presidential campaign scandals, congressional hearings regarding aid to Nicaragua, and Geraldo Rivera getting his own talk show.

How much more can we take?

The Rams are not about to let some football player push them around, not after not letting 45 football players push them around. If Eric Dickerson wants to ride off on his charley horse to the Colts or Broncos, good. Giddyup.

How do the Rams’ players feel about this?

They want Eric Dickerson to get exactly what’s coming to him, which, ironically, is exactly the way most of the 49ers feel about Joe Montana.