Rockin’ ‘87: The Good, Bad and Ugly

Has rock lost its spunk? Misplaced its sass?

When it came to the wacky moments of 1987, pop music couldn’t possibly offer anyone as tacky as Donna (No Excuses) Rice, as statesmanlike as Arizona Gov. Evan (The Earth Is Flat) Meacham, as dull as “Ishtar” or “Amerika,” as blundering as ex-Dodger exec Al Campanis, as mascara-drenched as Tammy Faye Bakker, as argumentative as Sen. Orrin Hatch (R-Utah) or as--ahem--tall as Brigitte Nielsen.

Of course, we did have Michael Jackson. So let’s celebrate the pop world’s clown princes and dunces in our yearly round-up of dubious achievements, inglorious moments and show-biz follies.

A few classics:

Record executive of the year: Billboard magazine reported that Capitol Records vice president Walter Lee was named in a suit by promotion exec Bill Bartlett, who claimed Lee “abused him” with a three-foot-long cattle prod, poked him repeatedly in the forearm and told him: “You’re dog meat. Go back to your stall.” (Lee resigned from the label several months later, with Capitol claiming his departure had nothing to do with the incident).

Telegram of the year: Dennis Connor’s Stars and Stripes won the America’s Cup earlier this year with a revolutionary new sail named “Dolly” (apparently because it ballooned out when filled with air). After the Cup victory, Dolly Parton telegramed Connor: “Please accept thanks from a girl who, before you guys, used to think the America’s Cup was a 44-D.”

Record of the year: Seattle Seahawk All-Pro wide receiver Steve Largent, when asked which record he will treasure the most when he retires, replied: “Probably the Beatles’ ‘White’ album.’ ”

Devoted Catholic of the year: Madonna declined an invitation for an audience with Pope John Paul II when in Italy this summer, saying: “If his Holiness wants to see me, he can come to my show.”

Pan of the year: When TV star-turned-pop-artist Bruce Willis was arrested on battery charges after an altercation with police during a wee-hours party at his home earlier this year, neighbors told reporters that Willis frequently annoyed residents by blasting party music by his pool. “Sometimes it’s Diana Ross, which is good,” a neighbor explained. “And sometimes it’s his album, which is bad.”

Quote of the year: Bette Midler on black music: “It’s so white bread these days. Whitney Houston is very nice, but basically her stuff is about shopping.”

Wacko of the year, Part I: Michael Jackson--who sent Liz Taylor a life-size inflatable doll of himself for her birthday this year--also offered the London Hospital Medical College $1 million for the remains of John Merrick, the Elephant Man. (The hospital refused the offer.)

Deadhead of the year: Acquitted “subway vigilante” Bernhard Goetz ducked the press for weeks after his trial, except to ask a New York Post reporter if he would bring him a copy of “In the Dark,” the new Grateful Dead album.

Elvis expert of the year: Eager to deflect media interest in the continuing Contragate scandal early this year, then-White House press spokesman Larry Speakes opened his Jan. 8 morning briefing by playing a tape of Elvis’ “That’s All Right, Mama.” Afterwards, Speakes said he had “no new information” about the scandal, but told reporters they could ask him “anything at all about the King.”

Detente exponent of the year: Billy Joel, upset that his Moscow audience wasn’t making much noise during his Soviet Union concert tour this summer, pointed to one segment of the crowd during his show, complaining, “I’ve got an oil painting in this corner of the room.”

Rock fan of the year: When Detroit Tiger manager Sparky Anderson had his picture taken before a game this summer with the Dead Milkmen (a favorite band of one of his rookie outfielders), Anderson kept referring to the band members as “the Four Milkmen” or “the Dead Freshmen.”

Yenta of the year: Rock star Don Henley got credit for introducing Gary Hart to Donna Rice (which didn’t work out) and Bob Seger to Annette Sinclair (a match that did--the two were married in November).

Revenge of the year: After being panned by hometown critic Joel Selvin of the San Francisco Chronicle earlier this year, Van Halen vocalist Sammy Hagar stopped his show the next night and gave out Selvin’s home phone number, encouraging fans to “call him up and tell him how you feel.” Later told that Selvin had to change his phone number, an unrepentant Hagar said: “Next time I’ll give out his address, ‘cause it’s harder to pack up and move.”

Comeback of the year: After years of battling drug problems, Sly Stone returned to play two nights at the Las Palmas Theatre here in November. He was two hours late for the first show and was forced to cancel the second show entirely when he was arrested minutes before he was scheduled to take the stage by investigators from the district attorney’s office, who said Stone owed $2,500 in back child support.

Contract rider of the year: On the Beastie Boys tour this spring, the band’s contract rider provided that the group must have a “rainbow assortment of condoms” available backstage at each concert appearance.

Wacko of the year, Part II: According to Tokyo press reports of Michael Jackson’s tour of Japan this fall, the pop star spent $500,000 redecorating his $2,000-a-night Imperial Hotel suite--Jackson’s manager said the suite was “too Japanese” and needed to be made more “gorgeous.” Jackson’s pet chimp--and constant companion--Bubbles was also given a specially redecorated hotel room because “he does not like the smell of tobacco.”

Gentleman of the year: Pop star Billy Idol, who Rolling Stone reported was out on the town with pal Grace Hattersley this spring when the two were mistakenly busted for possession of crack. Idol made bail while his date spent the night in jail.

Hypocrite of the year: Paul McCartney complained this fall that Michael Jackson’s publishing company sold the commercial rights to “Revolution” to Nike--but that didn’t stop McCartney from licensing the Buddy Holly catalogue (“Oh Boy” has now become “Oh Buick”) for various ads and commercials.

Jurors of the year: Remember those pornography charges that were dismissed against rock singer Jello Biafra this summer when a jury deadlocked in a case involving an allegedly sexually explicit album-poster art case? Biafra not only came away a free man but won several new fans--nine jurors, including two who found him guilty, asked for copies of the poster.

Crash diet of the year: Stung by a volley of smart-aleck remarks from morning deejays and pop critics about her overweight appearance, Heart’s Ann Wilson limited her appearances in the group’s video, “There’s the Girl,” to scenes that had been doctored by a video compression process to make her figure appear considerably sleeker than in real life.

Acknowledgments of the year: Heavy-metal band Manowar found space on the back of its album, “Fighting the World,” to thank 195 people, including Mr. & Mrs. Joseph Flom, Red (The Gambler) Pisciotti, the Magnificent Sofo family, “Ladies Auxiliary” members Heidi Kipling and Patti Gutman, Personal Transport Maintenance director Richie Raymond, “Overlord” Tom Miller and eight members of the group’s “Medical Staff,” including Dr. Patrick Buttarazzi.

Pothead of the year: Rock music foe and Democratic presidential candidate Sen. Albert Gore (D-Tenn.) in a two-week span this fall admitted that he’d smoked marijuana and insisted to music industry bigwigs that he’d played a “reluctant” role in the much-publicized 1985 Senate rock lyrics hearings. He apparently forgot (as several industry trade papers quickly reminded him) that he’d asked the most questions at the hearings and commended several anti-rock witnesses on their testimony.

Impresario of the year: When Virgin Records chief Jeff Ayeroff met hot German model Claude at a party here earlier this year, the record mogul offered to make her a star, despite her protestations that her singing had been limited to shower duty. “Don’t worry,” Ayeroff was quoted as saying. “When Madonna came to me, she couldn’t sing either.”

Wake-up call of the year: To Washington station WAVA-FM deejay Don Geronimo, whose station was banned from Phil Collins’ R.F.K. Stadium concert this summer after Geronimo disclosed the name of Collins’ posh Georgetown hotel and encouraged listeners to “rush down there and knock” on the performer’s door.

Radio programmer of the year: Saying a “conspiracy” had prevented New Age music from making inroads in pop radio, Washington’s WMBW-FM programmer John Sebastian recently hired a skilled anti-conspiracy celebrity to tout his station--convicted Watergate break-in mastermind G. Gordon Liddy.

Discovery of the year: Science magazine reported earlier this year on a possible cure for nearsightedness, noting that a recent study had found that strobe lights popular in discos apparently stimulate the outer portions of the eye, partially arresting a worsening of nearsightedness.