BERNHARD’S BOTTOM: Geez, everybody wants...

BERNHARD’S BOTTOM: Geez, everybody wants to get into the Bottom 10 act this year. We let it slip that we were putting together our annual list--and before we knew it, the mailman stopped by with a 10 Worst List from comedienne Sandra Bernhard. Since Bernhard has taken a few lumps herself--her collection of pop songs once made our Bottom 10 honorable mention list--we figured she deserved a chance to fling a few slings ‘n’ arrows herself. Here are a few excerpts:

1--”Tiffany” by Tiffany. “My fears ran deep when I saw a young girl on the boardwalk in Venice lip-singing to ‘I Think We’re Alone Now.’ Isn’t it frightening enough that Tiffany is a success with a bad remake? Now she’s become a role model too.”

3--”Primitive Cool” by Mick Jagger. “Can we believe that the same bad boy who wanted to ‘paint it black, black as coal, (who wanted) to see the sun blotted out from the sky,’ is now telling us to stand tall, be proud, work hard, touch the clouds?”

4--”Actually” by the Pet Shop Boys. “They’re smarmy, smart-aleck limeys who need to be smacked around to get them over themselves.”

5--”The Final Countdown” by Europe. “The thing that disturbs me most about Europe is that the lead singer attempts to be Jon Bon Jovi. Hasn’t anybody told him yet--that just isn’t possible?”

7--”Solitude Standing” by Suzanne Vega. “So this poor kid lived in Suzanne’s building and came to her one day and said, ‘My name is Luka, I live above you on the second floor, and my parents beat me, I’m so scared, I pretend that I bump into doors, so please don’t tell anybody about this or they’ll kill me.’ And Ms. ‘Vegas’ said, ‘Wait a minute. Let me get a pen. They beat you, and you live on the second floor--could you repeat that story just one more time? Go slowly.’ ”

8--”Strangeways, Here We Come” by the Smiths. “This band is always good for a laugh. Like ‘Girlfriend in a Coma.’ It’s the kind of song I like to put on first thing in the morning. It really gets me moving and in a positive frame of mind.”