As Usual, Bird Has the Answer

On the bus carrying the Boston Celtics to McNichols Arena, where they were drubbed by the Denver Nuggets Wednesday night, Larry Bird spotted a message on a sidewalk bench.

According to Peter May of the Hartford Courant, Bird yelled to Coach K. C. Jones from the back of the bus.

“Hey, K. C.,” he said, “There’s a number here to call. It says ‘Rent-A-Bench: Dial 333-RENT.’ We don’t have one, so we might as well call. You can tell them we don’t need it until April.”

Add Celtics: Their record in regular-season games Robert Parish has missed since joining the Celtics is 7-9. By contrast, they are 16-9 in games Larry Bird has missed and 26-10 without Kevin McHale.

Trivia Time: What do Larry Bird of the Boston Celtics and Tommy John of the New York Yankees have in common? (Answer below.)

USA Today quotes Pat Riley as saying: “I told our players when Kareem leaves I’ll finally get a chance to see if they’re any good.

“One of them looked at me and said, ‘OK, and we’ll see if you can really coach.’ ”

It’s called ski jumping, but an Italian journalist, after watching Britain’s Eddie (The Eagle) Edwards finish last in the 70-meter event, called it “ski dropping.”

Edwards, asked how he feels when he stands at the top of the runway, said: “I’m scared. But I used to be very scared.”

From Gerald Eskenazi of the New York Times, chiding ABC for its cheerleading at Calgary: “Kathie Lee Gifford’s reference to ‘our boys’ almost made you want to buy a War Bond.”

Curtis G. Bunn of Newsday, on how misfortune seems to follow the New York Knicks: “The Knicks’ bus driver was arrested by an undercover policeman en route to Tuesday night’s game from the hotel. The team had to walk the remaining two blocks. The reason for the arrest was not known.”

Add Newsday: From Wallace Matthews: “Disgrace of the week: George Foreman’s March 19 opponent went from 6-6 Anders Eklund to 5-6 Dwight Qawi, who wisely retired after being blasted out by Evander Holyfield in December. But Qawi has unwisely decided to return. ‘He’s undefeated as a heavyweight,’ says Top Rank matchmaker Ron Katz, referring to a roly-poly, 206-pound Qawi’s pathetic knockout victory over someone named Sixto Maldonado last year.

“When promoter Bob Arum was reminded that the fight is a horrible mismatch, he said, ‘Good. Write it. It will sell more tickets.’ ”

Steve Sabol of NFL Films, on the difference between Super Bowl I and Super Bowl XXII: “There were no blimps at the first Super Bowl, but Super Bowl XXII attracted three of them. It will live forever as a day of blimphamy.”

From the Boston Globe: “If you thought Olympic security in Los Angeles was a trifle heavy, wait until you see Seoul. The South Korean government is putting together a 60,000-man antiterrorist force, chock-a-block with commandos, explosives specialists and quick-reaction types. They’ll be toting stuff right out of the Soldier of Fortune dream book--gas guns, rope launchers, noise bombs, high-powered sniper rifles, sub-machine guns--117,000 pieces in all.”

Trivia Answer: Both went to Indiana State.

Quotebook

New York Yankees Manager Billy Martin, asked if drinking is a problem: “The only problem is that you run into a guy who’s a banker in the afternoon and thinks he’s King Kong at night. If one those guys tries something with me, I’ll drop him.”