Working Harder at Being in the Right Place at the Right Time

Is county newcomer Russell “looking for love in all the wrong places”?

That’s what Nancy thinks. She’s a 34-year-old county native who lives in Garden Grove, and she wrote to Single Life to respond to the former Denver resident’s observations on the county’s fast-lane singles life.

According to Russell, county people are driven by “visuals--your looks, where you live, the kind of car you drive, the need to see and be seen in the proper clubs, the size of your paycheck.”

Nancy replied: “If he’s trying to meet people with serious social and spiritual values, he ought to go where such people congregate: to church, to an Amnesty International adoption group, to the Episcopal Service Alliance at Messiah Church in Santa Ana, for example.”

(On the phone, Nancy, who works at UC Irvine, added, “Women who go to church are primarily interested in God, but at the coffee hour he will probably find someone interested in meeting him.”)

Her letter continues: “He mentions going to the Red Onion. Fine. It’s a club where people go to drink and flirt, and that’s what its patrons will do. Russell could try involving himself in groups that speak to his own concerns and see what develops naturally.”

But it’s not always easy to find someone with your special interests. Listen to Mitchell, a 35-year-old physician from Ohio who has lived in Huntington Beach for four years:

“I have always been involved in cultural activities, especially classical music and opera,” he wrote to Single Life. “However, trying to find a female companion to take to these events is a very frustrating experience.

“The usual response to an invitation to the opera is, ‘Oh, I wouldn’t understand it.’ I then quickly explain that with the advent of Supertitles, anyone can enjoy it without knowing the plot beforehand. Still, they decline the chance to broaden their cultural horizons.

“I don’t want to sound snobbish, but it always surprises me that an aerobics class will usually have priority over a cultural event. A friend of mind called this the ‘leisure mentality,’ which seems to pervade both L.A. and Orange counties.

“As an ophthalmologist, I seem to have a sub-specialty in blind dates. One memorable woman regretted that she had never traveled to the ‘Hertz’ Castle. Another listened intently to my description of an Eastern European concentration camp that I had visited several years ago. Her comment: ‘I didn’t know those things were still running!’ I nearly choked on my food.”

He also said: “I find that I can’t relate to much-younger women. Conversations with them are limited to the weather, clothing and top 40 music. I don’t dare mention politics, the stock market or the economy, or foreign films. As in Lily Tomlin’s one-woman show, I am driven by the ‘search for signs of intelligent life in the universe.’ ”

We called Mitchell to find out how he went about looking for culturally attuned women.

“I have used a lot of different techniques, including advertising in Los Angeles magazine and the Jewish Bulletin, with variable responses,” he said.

“In the last five years, I’ve probably met--easily--150 women just through advertising, and I’ve both responded to ads and placed my own. . . . I basically describe my interests--classical music, opera, cultural affairs--and a lot of (the women) unfortunately did not share these interests, even though they responded.

“They said, ‘Well, I like music, but I don’t know much about classical.’ Or, ‘I like light classical, but I don’t know the names of the composers.’

“Another thing I’ve noticed is that . . . they’d describe themselves one way and they’d be another. My favorite was a ‘young tigress’ who was more like an elephant in real life.”

Mitchell always requests a photo in his ads, and he “usually” ignores responses that don’t include one.

“One woman (responding to his ad) had an excellent sense of humor: She enclosed a photo of (an) archeological dig. I never pursued it, unfortunately. I probably should have.”

In addition to going the personal-ad route, Mitchell has tried attending singles group meetings. He found the Y.E.S. (Young Executive Singles) group to be “somewhat older” than the mid-30s-and-under woman he’s looking for. (“The times I’ve gone, people have been in their late 30s to 40s.”)

Last year he attended the Cabaret chapter of the Guilds of the Orange County Performing Arts Center, where the women were also “a little bit older.”

He also thought women who showed up for a black-tie Casino Night event were there “to be seen” rather than to meet someone.

That lack of interest in connecting with men occurs frequently, he said: “You can approach (women) and they won’t talk to you. I introduce myself: ‘Hi, my name is Mitch. What do you think of the event?’ And they say, ‘Oh, it’s nice’ and walk away.

“Even when I was living in L.A. there was a certain--cliquishness is the best term. (Natives) seem to sense that you were not born in California--or born in Beverly Hills in particular--and they resent that or they feel you don’t belong.”

Women in bars are no easier to meet, he said: “They tend to congregate among themselves. It’s very hard to break into their conversations. My usual line is, ‘Are we having a serious conversation?’ Often they’ll say, ‘Yes, we are,’ and they’ll go back to talking among themselves. . . . You know you have no chance when they’re talking about their boyfriends.”

Mitchell’s requirements also extend to religion.

“I am primarily looking for a Jewish girl,” he said, “which is (more) difficult in OC.”

So has he joined a synagogue? Well, no.

“I’ve joined some of the singles activities (at a temple), and those have been disappointing. They don’t attract a large crowd or a very attractive crowd, unfortunately.

“There is one event that isn’t bad in OC--Young Jewish Professionals. It meets once a month. It’s more of a club atmosphere than anything else. Most people tend to know each other. . . . But after a while it does get old, because you feel you’ve exhausted the possibilities. If you don’t get new people into that group, you’re wasting a lot of time. And even in that group there are people who don’t want to talk about” cultural topics.

Mitchell, who is 5 feet, 7 inches and of “normal weight,” also has fairly precise visual requirements.

“I would say I’m looking for someone petite--under 5 feet, 4 inches or 5 feet, 5 inches and well-proportioned for her size,” he said.

Let’s see: Cultural maven, Jewish, petite, well-proportioned, under 35. Could Mitchell possibly be overdoing the qualifications?

“I suppose I’ve been accused of being somewhat picky,” he admitted. “But as I get older I’ve found my standards seem to go higher than the way they were 10 years ago. I suppose a lot of that has to do with the fact that my interests have broadened out over the years. I didn’t used to be an opera buff.

“I’m at a point where I feel I don’t have to lower my standards, and I feel there is someone out there who will meet them.”

He often sees attractive women in shopping malls or at restaurants and wishes he knew them. But he has never seriously considered dating a woman who shared his interests, yet wasn’t his physical ideal.

Mitchell doesn’t think it would work “if I wasn’t attracted to them from the start. . . . I think it gets down to the fact that men look at certain things in women. Men look at physical appearance primarily and then look at intelligence secondarily. A lot of my friends will not go out with anyone who does not fit a physical attribute. I would prefer to have everything if that’s possible.”

Even when he does meet someone promising in Southern California, there’s no guarantee that he won’t be stood up, he said.

“It’s happened probably a dozen times. I feel like you have to make a reservation, (as) on an airline, and reconfirm it 24 hours prior to the date. Otherwise there’s a good chance the person will not be there or will forget or will have changed plans. . . . It hasn’t happened recently, thank goodness, but I had a period several years ago when it seemed to be every other week.”

Mitchell remembered calling a woman with whom he previously had made a theater date shortly before curtain time. There was no answer. “I waited half an hour, and still no answer. It was getting very late, and I had either to go by myself or forget about it. I went and of course the one ticket went unused.

“She called one month later and asked how I was, as if nothing had happened. I asked where she had been and she said, ‘I went on a sudden ski trip.’ I really tore into her. . . . I told her her lack of consideration was despicable.”

Another Southern California syndrome, Mitchell said, is the reappearance of the previously unknown former boyfriend after a few dates: “Even though this woman says she wasn’t seeing him anymore, suddenly she’s decided to go back. I don’t know if that was just an excuse or actual fact, but it happened four times within a period of a year and a half.”

Such behavior was rare in Ohio, Mitchell said. He thinks it’s also easier to meet women there. But he doesn’t want to move back. It’s possible, too, he added, that the Ohio he remembers was mainly the world of college and medical school.

“I think my mind-set was totally different,” he said. “It was much easier to meet people in your own class, on the campus. Your outlook on life as a student is totally different than (when you’re in) the working world. Your interests are a lot narrower, and your expenses are certainly less, and your expectations are less.”

Speaking of income, has he run into many women who are primarily interested in snagging a wealthy doctor?

“I have only met one person, maybe two, that I can really qualify as a gold-digger. One (woman) said she just wanted to be a housewife. She said she didn’t want to work--she was looking for someone who would just take care of her. She was quite frank about that, which was a shock. Usually these things are masked.

“I’m looking for someone who would be happy in her own career. I certainly wouldn’t want someone to be totally dependent on me. If she had to go on a business trip, she could go without falling to pieces without her husband.

“I don’t think in general I’ve met people who were impressed that I’m a doctor. I don’t care. I’m not asking them to be interested in medicine. I don’t think medicine is my entire life.

“The Doctor’s Dilemma. I think that’s (the title of) a play, but that’s the way I look at my life. Other than that, I’m a happy person. I try to find amusements in everything I do, but it can be depressing.

“I keep searching, like Diogenes, for the honest women. And I keep wondering, are they out there?”

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