A Fat Chance You Got Hit With Lucky Punch, Tony Baby

It’s time once again to talk back to the news.

News: Tony Tubbs says of Mike Tyson’s second-round KO blow, “I got caught with a lucky punch.”

What, lucky because you lived to tell about it? Lucky because it meant you didn’t have to stick around for the later rounds when Tyson would be warmed up? Lucky because it got you out of town before the Tokyo cops could arrest you for impersonating an athlete?

Can I tell you a secret, Tony? You’re fat. Join a health club, pal. This isn’t golf you’re playing. Some conditioning is required.

When your trainer tells you to hit the bag, he doesn’t mean Famous Amos. Next time use a workout routine designed by Jane Fonda, not Willie Wonka.

You still won’t beat Tyson next time, but at least you won’t give hernias to the stretcher crew. And where did you get those boxing trunks? Did you mug a paratrooper? Borrow the Dodger Stadium infield tarp?

Next time, Tony, try to last long enough for the ushers to get everyone seated. Your cornerman sneezed and missed the fight.

Other than that, nice work.

News: Clipper owner Donald T. Sterling threatens to fire his coach and general manager unless the team improves. Sterling says losing is hell. “I can’t sleep, I can’t eat.”

You can’t eat? If you sell the team, Donny, sell it to Tony Tubbs. Or Benoit Benjamin.

Since we’re dealing with logic here, why not fire the ballboy? The parking-lot attendants? When was the last time the Clippers made an intelligent high-level decision? My files only go back 10 years.

Maybe you should fire the guy who six years ago turned down an offer from Jerry Buss that would have sent college star James Worthy to the Clippers, in exchange for no players and no cash !

That was you? Well, what the heck. Worthy’s game wouldn’t have fit your team’s, uh, methodical style of play, anyway.

Good luck on your search for a new coach and general manager who can heal Norm Nixon and Marques Johnson, void your last six trades, locate Benoit, undraft Reggie Williams and move the club to a city where all the basketball fans aren’t already in love with another team.

News: National League orders its overweight umpires to undergo an off - season conditioning program. Eric Gregg drops 53 pounds, Bruce Froemming drops 50 pounds.

Tony Tubbs dropped 50 pounds once. He tripped over the doorsill coming out of a doughnut shop. But seriously.

It’s about time baseball did something about fat umpires. Gregg was getting so big that he couldn’t work day games, because he blotted out the sun. I would go to a ballgame and hear little kids saying, “I want to be an umpire when I grow out.”

Glad to see you’ve got the problem under control, umpires. We love and respect you more than ever for it. Now go out there on the field and please try to make one decent ... call!

News: Loyola Marymount scores 110 points a game and wins 25 consecutive games before finally losing in the NCAA playoffs.

Attention, all college coaches. Attention.

Please take note. America loved this team. It was fun to watch. It played with heart and speed and no small amount of skill. The players were players, not puppets.

For example, every coach in the world, when his team gets in trouble, screams for a timeout so he can tell his players what he should have told them in practice--Be cool, run the plays, try hard. Guess how many timeouts Paul Westhead called against Wyoming and North Carolina at high-altitude Salt Lake City.

None.

Wyoming called four timeouts, and North Carolina one. There were some TV timeouts. But in 80 minutes of ball, Loyola called zero timeouts.

“When you’re getting beat to the punch, 99 out of 100 coaches call time out,” Westhead said. “I purposely do not. A timeout is a kind of signal, an admission that our system is not working. And it’s a signal to our guys that we have to crank it up even more. I don’t have to tell them that, I just give our point guard a look.”

OK, so Loyola’s defense that last game looked like “Night of the Living Dead.” That doesn’t wipe out three months of great showtime basketball.

Incidentally, the Westhead approach is sweeping the campus. The Loyola baseball team played five games last week, went 5-0 and scored 65 runs.

News: Larry Bird is kicked out of a game for complaining about excessive violence.

You’ve got a nice game, Commissioner Stern, but it’s getting a little physical.

A few modest proposals: a) Outlaw the practice of setting picks and establishing rebound position by extending the elbows like helicopter blades. b) Call it an intentional foul if the fouler’s primary target on the foulee is the Adam’s apple or groin. c) Outlaw any hold not authorized in the LAPD handbook. d) Just so the refs will notice some of his fouls, make Bill Laimbeer wear a blinking red light on his head.

If we want violence, we’ll go watch the Dodgers take infield practice.