BY THE NUMBERS

10 Hollywood Alibis for Low-Rated Series

1. Producer: “Nobody knew we were on. The network didn’t give us any promotion.”

2. Network Executive: “That may seem like a low rating (66th) but actually it represents a 35% increase over what we had in that time period last year.”

3. Producer: “If my series were on (a rival network) it would be a hit.”

4. Producer: “I begged the network not to give me that timeslot. Cosby would fail there.”

5. Star (to critics): “I hope you’re happy, taking food from the mouths of my children, my wife, my father.”

6. Writer: “The critics rapped my script, but it isn’t the one I wrote. The network censors emasculated it.”

7. Producer: “My series has pastel colors, rock music, smart lighting. But they’re never satisfied. Now those (expletive deleted) critics are demanding stories.’

8. Network Executive: “We’re doing a lot better than people think. The trouble is, Nielsen fouled up the ratings system, so now it’s impossible to get good numbers.”

9. Network Executive: “If America doesn’t understand (the show then it’s America’s problem.”

10. Star: “I told my producer it was a lousy script, and he said, ‘What do you know? You’re just an actor.’ ”

SOURCE: Dave Kaufman, “On All Channels,” Daily Variety