Commentary : Suggestions for Making Great Game Even Better

In the spring, the fanatic mind runs not to daydreams of playing baseball, but rather to ideas that would fix it. Restore the sport to itself. Slay the unjust. Raise high the incorruptible. You know, the usual stuff.

All serious fans long to be the commissioner of baseball, if only to straighten things out once and for all. But sooner or later they realize that might not be enough. What the game really needs is a good 5-cent benevolent dictator.

Me, for instance. Would a 40-year-old man who keeps a giant 4-foot-diameter papier-mache baseball beside his front driveway do anything to hurt the game? Of course not. And to prove it, here is a list of my first 40 fiats, once I’m appointed Supreme Being of Baseball:

1. The home plate ump shall have a button. If a batter takes more than 30 seconds to adjust his uniform, tighten his batting glove, wiggle his toe, call for time and otherwise delay the game, the ump shall push the button. The button will open a trapdoor to a pit, full of reptiles, under the batter’s box. This shall be known as the Rickey Henderson Hole, in honor of the potential Hall of Famer whose career was tragically cut short. Carlton Fisk and Cliff Johnson: Consider yourselves warned. The trapdoor will also work for home-run trots, but with bigger reptiles. Jeffrey Leonard gets a free trial.

2. Pete Rose shall manage the Cincinnati Reds on the same basis that a Supreme Court judge holds tenure. For life. Reggie Jackson shall be given sole custody of the Oakland A’s. Why make a guy with a 180 IQ wait to own a team? This would be too good to miss. Jim Palmer shall get to manage. He deserves it, heh, heh, heh. Jim Rice shall smile and tip his cap to the crowd before he is permitted to bat. Steve Carlton shall be allowed to make more comebacks only if he promises not to say one word. Joaquin Andujar shall have a new uniform number: ??. No one shall have to room with George Bell on the road. Bo Jackson, who can’t play baseball, and won’t play football if his itty-bitty ankle hurts, must make his decision by the June 15 trading deadline. Goodbye, Bo.

3. There shall be special New York Rules. George Steinbrenner shall never fire Billy Martin. Ever. And Billy will know it. This is what you call finding a punishment to fit the crime. Both ways. Addenda: Uniform No. 1 for the Yankees will be unretired. Immediately. Codicil: No one from, or in any way affiliated with, New York City shall be allowed to use the phrase “subway series” until one actually occurs. (Penalty: Catch a subway from Shea to Yankee Stadium.) Rider to the Rules: Darryl Strawberry will be traded for Dave Winfield. Darrylberry the Dim deserves both Billy and George. Winnie, who’s become a winner, would think he’d gone to heaven to play for Frank Cashen and Davey Johnson, two of baseball’s brightest men. Finally, all Yankee Stadium personnel--ushers, vendors and especially cops--shall be replaced immediately by people with a certificate documenting their planet of birth.

4. The team with the better regular-season record shall get the home-field advantage in the playoffs and World Series. Too late? Oh, no, because--next--we will replay the 1987 post-season under the new rules.

In the future, any World Series in which the Boston Red Sox win three games shall be declared complete. In accordance with this ruling, official records for 1946, 1967, 1975 and 1986 shall be corrected. Johnny Pesky, Bill Lee, Bill Buckner and John McNamara, you owe the game’s new despot a real nice dinner.

5. A. Bartlett Giamatti, president of the National League, and Dr. Bobby Brown, president of the American League, shall be the Democratic and Republican presidential nominees in 1988. In case of a tie, Commissioner Peter Ueberroth gets the job. Why do we get a top heart surgeon, a former Yale president and a Time magazine Man of the Year running baseball, but we get Pat Robertson and Gary Hart as candidates to run the country?

6. The mound shall be raised back to 15 inches, where it was for decades. Let’s see if anybody can throw a fastball anymore.

7. There shall be punishments for bird-brained teams. The Blue Jays must wear dog choke-collars until further notice. The Cards shall wear whine detectors, devices similar to smoke detectors, which shriek when Whitey Herzog or any of his Birds break into their patented paranoid alibi rap. The Orioles must write on the blackboard 1,000 times: “We are awful. Very slowly, we will try to get just a little bit better, not all at once.” Edward Bennett Williams must initial all 1,000.

8. Only nicknames shall be allowed on the back of uniforms hereafter. Instead of Jim Dwyer: Pigpen. Floyd Rayford: Sugar Bear. Give us Chicken Man and Oil Can. Who knows “Davis”? But Chili, Storm and Eric the Red are easy. This would have been especially helpful in the old days. We could have known the difference between “Puddin’ Head” and “Available” Jones or “The People’s Cherce” and “Mysterious” Walker. Pittsburgh low-budget GM Sid Thrift’s name shall be legally changed to Sid Cheap.

9. The designated hitter shall be put in both leagues and left there. Watching pitchers hit 50 times a week for the sake of two moments of strategy isn’t enough fun. Sorry, this is my dictatorship. (All anti-DH rebels caught plotting to overthrow the chairman will be forced to have dinner with Dick Williams.)

10. The umpire shall confiscate every bat used to hit a home run. It will be sawed apart and inspected after the game. Any player found corking will be suspended for 10 days without pay. At $8 a bat for about 4,000 major league home runs, this will cost $32,000 a year--about half the minimum salary for one rookie player and a tiny price to learn the truth about the quality of the modern hitter. Any player who’s absolutely certain he’ll never hit a home run, and thus never risk suspension, shall be left alone and allowed to put wolfbane and cat’s eyes in his bat if he wants. Every pitched ball used to record a strikeout will be confiscated and inspected. Ump, just toss that little baby to the ball bailiff while the next hitter comes to the plate. Nobody’ll even notice. Same penalties for scuffing, spitting, etc. That’s another 20,000 balls a year--maybe $78,000 a season. Or about $3,000 a team--half the price of another usher.

11. The fans shall decide who among the over-the-hill gang stays. Any player over 40 years old must first receive permission from the fans, by ballot, to continue playing. This will be called the new Go Away rule. If Willie Mays and Pete Rose simply will not retire, we can retire ‘em ourselves. Aren’t our memories of them public property? The oldster with the most votes would win the coveted “Say Hey, Go Away” Award.

12. No player shall earn more than 100 times the salary of the average American worker. Sorry, guys, too many of you are already over that now. Whenever a player goes free agent and voluntarily changes teams, he must, henceforth, wear at least one piece of his previous team’s uniform. Last year, Reggie Jackson, for instance, could have worn an Orioles cap, a Yankee jersey, Angel pants and those nice day-glo yellow A’s socks. Finally, any free agent earning $1.5 million a year shall laugh at all practical jokes played on him by new teammates. Penalty: Wear a Kirk Gibson mask all season.

13. Owners shall not be tolerated lightly. Any owner who ever again says he’s losing money shall be forced to sell his team immediately-for his original purchase price (translated into ’88 dollars with inflation factored in). Gee, everybody sure got quiet. Could that mean that, looked at from all sides, owning a ballclub is basically a bonanza?

Auggie Busch shall never again be allowed to ride his Clydesdale-drawn beer chariot around a World Series field unless he holds the reins himself.

There will be fewer owners, not more. Back to 24 teams. There aren’t enough major-quality pitchers to stock 26 teams. The Seattle Mariners should be disbanded first. Make them all free agents. Nobody would notice. Not even owner George Argyros. As winner of the Worst Available Dome-Worst Available Owner combo contest, the Astros and John McMullen will also be sacrificed.

14. The All-Star Game shall be abolished. Pick the teams; just don’t play the game. Anything that produces two good games, no great ones and 23 bombs in the last 25 years should be discontinued. Nice idea. Lousy reality. No old-timers’ games shall be played unless all proceeds go to indigent old-timers. All other codger con games will be banned.

15. Let there be interleague play. We’ve talked about it for 25 years--now, we will have it! It’s perfect with 24 teams, but it can be done when baseball expands to 28 teams, too. (Okay, so expansion is inevitable--but not until after the reign of Chairman Boz.) Take the Orioles as an example. The Birds will play their six American League East foes 13 times each season--the same as now--for a total of 78 games. The Orioles also will play each American League West team six times a year--just one three-game series in each town. (Scarcity increases demand.) That’s another 42 games. Finally, in odd-numbered seasons (e.g. ‘89), Baltimore plays six games versus each National League East team. In even-numbered seasons (e.g. ‘90), the Orioles play six times against each National League West club. That’s 42 interleague games a year. And 162 games in a season, same as now. The current lack of interleague games is insane. No other sport would dream of it. The owners are just keeping it as a rainy-decade, money-making gimmick if they ever need it.

16. The visiting team’s general manager shall be put in charge of all electronic scoreboards, exploding displays and public-address-system noises--including trumpet charges and train locomotives. Let’s see how long the Minnesota Twins keep their toys the first time Frankie “Nervous Breakdown” Viola gets hit with a 111-decibel Tarzan scream in the middle of his windup.

17. No instant replays shall be allowed inside the ballpark, and no NFL-style instant replay to change the umpire’s decision--ever. Leave human error (the Denkinger Factor) intact. It is important that children understand that the game is not so serious that we can’t, occasionally, allow the wrong team to win.

18. Let there be lights for Wrigley Field, for crying out loud--and not just for eight games a year. What’s all the fuss? Be honest. Who doesn’t like night games better than day games? Man, it gets hot in July. If you can get a weekday afternoon free, go swimming, play golf or have a stroke in your garden. Don’t sweat your brains out in the bleachers. For those who must suffer, God created Sunday-afternoon games. That’s enough. Sensible teams long ago went to Saturday-night games, because people prefer them. Baseball is night baseball and has been for decades. Let those who refuse to learn from the Chicago Cubs be condemned to repeat them.

The only people who really want day ball in Wrigley Field are sportswriters (great deadlines--the Chicago scribes get home for dinner, and the visiting laureates have more time on Rush Street).

All weekday World Series games shall be at night. All weekend World Series games shall be in the day. It’s cold in October. Play a couple in sunshine, but don’t get carried away.

19. On an intentional walk, the ump shall simply wave the batter to first base. We don’t have to watch four stupid pitchouts. Yes, it will be a terrible sacrifice for purists--once every 119 years we will not get to see Rollie Fingers strike out Johnny Bench in the World Series on a fake intentional walk.

20. There shall be no balks whatsoever. Let pitchers do anything to any base. Steals are nice, but we have too much of a good thing. Modern runners have outgrown the 90-foot base path. Games take forever. Too many dull pickoffs. Without balks, mediocre thieves would disappear. Good riddance. However, the great ones would remain, but at a lower level. The best would probably still steal 50 to 75 bases. But not 75 to 130, which is just too many.

If a top base-stealer gets a good jump these days, he can steal second cleanly even if the pitcher picks him off--he simply steals on the first baseman, not the catcher. What, you ask, if the pitcher steps toward home, then throws behind his back or across his body to first base? You kidding? Thief’d be safe at second by 10 feet. Just imagine it. Note: Steals of third base would be unchanged, because there’s already no balk to second base. We’d be unifying the rules.

21. There shall be a demerit system for managers. Any manager who is fired three times shall be forced to go to Manager School for a year before he can be rehired by the old-boy network. After a fourth firing, two years of school, and so on. Under this system, John McNamara would be able to speak French and, by now, Don Zimmer could name all the continents.

Frank Robinson, Joe Morgan and Don Baylor have the right of first refusal on all open managerial positions in baseball until such time as all three are hired.

No manager, especially Tom Lasorda, shall be allowed to wear a baseball uniform in the dugout unless he’s still a player. What’s with this, anyway, guys? Would Don Shula wear shoulder pads on the sideline or Pat Riley put on yellow and purple shorts?

22. Rosters shall go back to 25 men. Come on; collusion isn’t enough? However, the team itself, by secret vote, gets to elect its own 25th man after the manager has chosen his 24.

23. Henceforth the players themselves shall be allowed to choose their own between-innings music. Disc Jockey of the Day. Battle of the Bands. This would get serious fast. Steve Garvey could play whatever he heard in the elevator that morning. Charlie Kerfeld could give us the Screaming Blue Messiahs with “I Wanna Be a Flintstone.” Classic suggestions? Vida Blue: “I Wore My .44 So Long, I Made My Shoulder Sore” (Howlin’ Wolf). Lou Gehrig: “Takin’ Another Man’s Place” (Aretha Franklin).

24. Some old traditions shall be restored. No doughnuts or iron bats in the on-deck circle. Swing three bats. It didn’t hurt Babe Ruth, and tradition counts for a lot in this game.

All mascots shall be banned except the Phillie Phanatic. Even he gets one week of probation to remove the off-color stuff from his act. The Chicken shall be shot on sight.

Other traditions shall be destroyed. The seventh-inning stretch shall be history. Even football fans are smart enough to figure out when they want to stand up.

The National Anthem shall not be sung. “O Canada,” okay. “America the Beautiful,” maybe. But be warned: the czar is leaning toward a simple “Play ball.”

On second thought, any singer who picks the National Anthem shall perform above the Henderson Hole. Umpire’s judgment. Crowd may boo or cheer to influence his decision.

25. Bob Costas and Tony Kubek shall get a new partner--Tim McCarver. This trio will broadcast all national TV games for the rest of the century. Anyone who says they are too esoteric, funny, enthusiastic or sarcastic gets his season ticket revoked. Howard Cosell and Joe Garagiola get to do the backup game of the Game of the Week. Thus, if the power of mass prayer has any validity, the main game will never again be rained out.

26. There shall be some changes in how the Hall of Famers are picked. The thousand-plus members of the Baseball Writers of America who are allowed to vote for the Hall of Fame shall have to prove that a) they are still alive or b) that they have attended an actual baseball game within the past decade. They shall also be asked to spell M-A-Z-E-R-O-S-K-I.

Neither Nolan Ryan nor Bert Blyleven shall ever be allowed into the Hall of Fame--they don’t deserve it. Exception: Ryan and Blyleven can go to Cooperstown if both Jim Kaat and Tommy John, who have had better careers, are put in before them. Entering the ’88 season, Ryan was 261-242 with a 3.13 ERA. Blyleven was 244-209 with a 3.14 ERA. Kaat retired at 283-237 with a 3.45 ERA while John is now 277-216 with a 3.26 ERA. John has as many 20-win years as Ryan and Blyleven combined. Pitching is about winning. Style points don’t exist.

27. Any player who refuses to speak to the press during the regular season shall be forbidden from granting any interviews or signing any book contracts in the post-season. This just in by unanimous ballot of the Baseball Writers of America: Dave Kingman, who has contacted every team looking for a job, shall cover the Tigers for the Detroit Free Press for one season. It won’t be too hard for a bright guy like Dave. About 200 times a year, counting spring training and the post-season, he’ll do an 800-word early-edition “plugger” story, followed by a 1,000-word “running” story while the game is in progress. Then he finishes up his workday by writing a new 1,000-word final-edition story on deadline at midnight, plus maybe a 600-word sidebar for the 1 a.m. edition. During the season, Dave will toss in maybe 50 long features, too, not to mention his Sunday notes column every week. Spending 125 days on the road away from family shouldn’t bother him. And he won’t forget to cover all the news--like if some millionaire slugger starts following a 90-pound woman reporter around screaming obscenities at her. Maybe he’ll even make some news--if Willie Hernandez pours a bucket of water on his head.

28. No more domed stadiums may be built. Whenever artificial turf surfaces must be replaced, they must be replaced by grass. But, then, you already knew that. When a team from a grass home park has to play on Astroturf on the road, it shall get to use an extra “short fielder” on defense, just like in co-ed softball.

29. All symmetrical modern parks shall have grapefruit-sized holes in their outfield walls, like Swiss cheese, so that the occasional ‘tweener to the fence sometimes gets stuck inside momentarily. Maybe we can’t have wall ivy or a Green Monster in every city, but the game’s nonsense factor needs to be improved. The Twins shall be required to fix the Metrodome roof so a normal human can catch a fly ball without 3-D glasses and a hard hat. However, once the ceiling’s repainted, critics of the stadium shall shut up. It’s exactly the sort of weird, idiosyncratic park--with its plexiglass fence in the left, its big “baggie” in right and its bizarre caroms in the corners--that we’d protect with a vengeance if it had been built in 1918.

30. Revenue-sharing shall be instituted for all teams. This was baseball’s best economic option a decade ago, and it still is. Revenue from every ticket should be split 50-50 between the home and visiting teams. (The current home-vs.-visitor split is close to 90-10.) This does not mean all teams will have equal revenue. For example, if the Dodgers draw 3 million home fans at $8 a ticket, that’s $24 million. They keep half--$12 million. The Dodgers, a famous team, would probably draw 2.25 million on the road. Total road gross (at $8 a head) is, therefore, $18 million. They get half--$9 million. Total Dodger revenues: $21 million. By contrast, the Pirates only draw 1 million home fans at $8 dollars a head. Gross: $8 million. They keep $4 million. A dull team like the Bucs might draw 1.75 million on the road. Gross: $14 million. They get $7 million. Annual Pirate revenues: $11 million.

So an excellent team with superior marketing can have twice the annual ticket take of a poor team in a weak market. That’s fair. This isn’t baseball socialism. However, my system would be far better than the current setup, which lets clubs like the Yanks operate with five times the income base of the have-nots.

31. The bleachers shall be brought back. Henceforth, one-tenth the seating capacity of all ballparks shall be designated as bleachers. These bleachers shall be sold on game day, not before. The price will be $1 for anyone under 18 or over 65. Everyone else will pay the regular price. Franchises will be allowed to designate 25 games a year as no-bleacher dates, giving them their precious sellouts. Bleachers will make the majority of games available to potential new young fans and loyal older ones. This is called m-a-r-k-e-t-i-n-g.

32. No fielder shall be allowed to use a glove that is larger than a base.

Graig Nettles, a genius with a human-size glove, shall be paid to take infield practice before games until he’s 60 years old. Some pleasures are too good to lose.

33. The umpires shall not recognize fan interference on a foul ball. Civil laws (e.g., assault-and-battery statutes) are sufficient.

34. The major-league players and management shall contribute on a 50-50 basis to a pension plan for minor-league players who have four or more years of pro experience. The cost: $1 million per franchise per year. That veteran minor leaguers have no pension, no benefits when they retire, is baseball’s greatest shame.

35. Salary arbitration shall no longer be in the hands of labor negotiators, many of whom know nothing about baseball. Let the umpires be the arbitrators--they’re already called the Ol’ Arbiters. What else do they have to do all winter? Who knows the game better? Besides, think how dramatically the players’ behavior would improve if umpires set salaries. Along with their new power, umps shall have new constraints. First of all, no major league umpire shall be allowed to consist of more than 49% body fat. Under no conditions are John McSherry and Eric Gregg permitted to work on the same side of the infield. Hey, you in the blue muumuu, mix in a salad.

Each year the worst umpire in the majors, as determined by player ballot, shall be sent back to the minors. Each year the best umpire in triple-A, as determined by ballot, shall be sent up to the major leagues. Furthermore, post-season umpires shall be chosen on merit. Oh, you thought they already were? Finally, one set of umpires for both leagues. At once. This is ridiculous.

36. There shall be a Lee Lacy Law: Just as hits and errors are flashed on the board, the official scorekeeper will also be in charge of announcing all outfield throws that miss the cutoff man.

37. No beer shall be served before the first pitch or after the top of the seventh in any park. Any drunken fan who thinks he’s tough and goes on the field during a brawl shall be given a catcher’s mitt and be forced, under penalty of the Henderson Hole, to warm up Nolan Ryan before his next start.

38. The central combatants who start any baseball brawl shall be forced to have a real fight--three rounds, headgear, 16-ounce gloves, 15-by-15 ring--before the next game between the two teams. It would be something to watch while the grounds crew chalks the batter’s box. (No extra admission charge.)

Any team that hits a batter with a pitch shall have to send its pitcher up to hit the next time its DH is scheduled to bat.

39. Any Cleveland Indian season-ticket holder shall get a free ticket to one World Series game. Thirty-three years without a single post-season game is enough.

40. Nobody shall report to spring training until March. There’s no agony like getting the baseball juices started in mid-February, then having no significant games for seven weeks. In addition, Opening Day will be a national holiday. For children. Like us.