Lakers Don’t Need Celebrities; Stars Are on Their Side

According to my astrologer . . .

That’s right, I’ve got an astrologer. Nancy Reagan has one, why shouldn’t I? Nancy has a country to run, I have a column to write. Two tough jobs. We both need all the help we can get.

Actually, I didn’t have an astrologer until last week, when it occurred to me that the secrets of the National Basketball Assn. finals might be hidden in the stars. Since Mrs. Reagan seems to know her star-charters, I figured I’d seek out one of hers.

I couldn’t get the current White House zodiac consultant, Joan Quigley. She has an unlisted solar system. But I did find Joyce Jillson, who writes a syndicated astrology column and who has actually spent time in the White House during this administration. Her charts recommended George Bush as Reagan’s 1980 running mate. Jillson tells me she was hired by “a top White House official.” She is also a best-selling author--”Joyce Jillson’s Lifesigns,” “Real Women Don’t Pump Gas”.

Sports credentials? Joyce is not a fan, but she foresaw the Knicks winning Patrick Ewing in the lottery, and when she forecast Dodger games one recent season for a radio show, she hit a solid 89%.

In other words, this girl can gaze.

So what’s in the stars for the Lakers? The lowdown from high up and far out, as foreseen last Tuesday afternoon, went like this:

Pat Riley. “Jupiter is very favorably sextile to Pat Riley’s chart,” Jillson said. “It’s expansionism, optimism, reaping what you’ve sown. Risk-taking is positive.

“Also, there’s a contractual thing, a sideline benefit that involves a lot of money. It’s not a bet, it’s something between Riley and the owners. He’s in a mood to buy something, a new house perhaps, so there’s a real incentive.”

Ah, so Jerry Buss gave Riley some kind of double-your-money-back, satisfaction - guaranteed bonus clause. The Rileys already have a new house, but reportedly Pat is keen on adding Georgio Armani to his live-in staff.

Magic Johnson. “He will not be the pivotal player the first two games. It will be his anger at himself that will work to his advantage. He needs to feel down in order to get his dander up. After the 9th (today), he shows the astrological class he has. He’ll have a very good game on the 14th (Game 4), and the 19th (Game 6) is sensational.”

I think I follow you, Joyce. To get a reading on the Lakers, we need to take a gander at the dander of the sleight-of-hander court commander.

Kareem Abdul-Jabbar. “He is very good on Thursday night (tonight). He will be his old self in this playoffs. Suddenly he’s lithe, he has a special adrenaline flowing to him. Everything about him is fast. He may even get a speeding ticket.”

Maybe, but Tuesday he was as effective as a speeding thicket.

James Worthy. “He’s a little inhibited but his natural athletic ability will carry him. He’ll be like Babe Ruth, he’ll either strike out or make out-of-the-world shots, no middle ground. In games that are given up as lost, he’ll make saves or clinchers.”

Sounds good for the Sultan of Swoop.

Byron Scott. “The third game, he may overestimate what he can do. He may try to seize the limelight, or the other team will do something illegal. They are going to target this man all along. The third game will be particularly difficult. He may get very aggressive. . . . But his whole cycle is in a marvelous turnaround.”

So is James Edwards’ jump shot.

Michael Cooper. “He may challenge the other team. He should be very moderate about what he says he can do to Detroit. His words are very forceful right now, but he could be quoted, or misquoted, and he shouldn’t talk to the press until the series comes back to L.A.”

Tuesday night, Cooper’s policy was to speak softly and carry a big brick.

General Outlook and Comments:

--”Mercury is in retrograde for everyone until the 25th. That’s why the Lakers will probably win. It will be almost a replay of last year, although I realize it’s a different opponent. I believe it will go six games. Whichever team wins on the 14th (Game 4) is likely to win the series, because of the new moon.”

--”There are a tremendous amount of fire signs on this team.”

But weren’t the Pistons born under the sign of Smokey the Bear?

--”The Lakers need motivation to get their energies and aggression going. They need a tremendous challenge. If they’re not down, they’re not at their best. It’s hard for them to have people on their side. In Detroit, the crowd will be so negative it will affect them positively. It will get them moving, hit their astrological sweet spot.”

--”This team is not much for perseverance. They can be swayed by little things, fouls, illegal moves.”

--”Someone on the Lakers is going to have to eat their words. They’ll put out a challenge they can’t live up to. It will hurt them in Detroit. . . . Speaking of eating, on the 9th (today), both teams should watch what they eat. There’s a tendency to food poisoning. This is not the time to eat anything with mayonnaise. When in doubt, wait for the good stuff. No junk food.”

Does that include humble pie?

Tonight’s game:

“The Lakers will win. . . . Both teams will play fast and loose with the rules. At the beginning, the Lakers may be disappointing, but they’ll be better in the second half. At halftime, a pep talk is not particularly helpful. It might be subconsciously taken as a belief that they really can’t do it.”

Got all that, Lakers? Keep the halftime bluster down. Set reasonable goals, such as, “Next time Adrian Dantley throws a head fake, let’s not all leave the building at once.” Hold your tongues, hold your ground and hold the mayo.