Movie Reviews : ‘Hot to Trot’ Winds Up a Loser

What’s the worst idea for a movie anyone could dream up? A talking porcupine picture? We could call it “Quill Power.” Or “Hog Wild,” a frantic farce with talking pigs. Or--now we’re in high-concept heaven--how about a talking-horse movie called “Hot to Trot”? (Citywide)

Too late; they’ve already made it. Here’s the gimmick: Bob Goldthwait plays a disoriented young rich kid-stockbroker who inherits a talking horse named Don. Dabney Coleman is his evil, bucktoothed broker-stepfather. John Candy does the voice of the horse. And, to really frost this equine cake, Burgess Meredith does the voice of a horsefly.

Sound bad? There’s more. Goldthwait, choked voice, stringy hair, bulging eyes and all, is rescued from Coleman’s fiendish machinations by ingenious stock market tips he gets from Don the horse. In gratitude, he installs Don at his palatial L.A. yuppie digs, where they loll around on the divans together, sharing oats and hors d’oeuvres and watching old movies on TV.

In many recent screenplays, not even the people talk believably. What makes these writers think they can succeed with horses? There are gags about inflatable horse sex dolls, and a scene where Don spots a mare and mutters: “What a mane on that babe!” There’s an orgy with two dogs, a duck, a cat, a parrot and a pig, all communicating in subtitles. And, of course, there’s a horse race; you can’t imagine who wins. Plus a lot of jokes about pooper scoopers and Don’s horsely endowments.

The credits are funnier than anything in the movie: one of the writers is named Stephen Neigher. (The others--they deserve some of the blame too--are Hugo Gilbert and Charlie Peters.) Only composer Danny Elfman redeems himself here; it looks as though director Michael Dinner (“Heaven Help Us”), should have used a pooper scooper instead of a view finder.

Goldthwait plays the whole movie with a strangled-stallion look; John Candy’s voice seems more suitable for a fat, friendly bunny, and it’s hard to figure out why millionaire Coleman can’t afford a dentist, or why Don talks to his fellow horses in human language instead of saying neigh. “Hot to Trot” (MPAA rated PG, despite scatological humor) is a movie to make ninnies whinny, audiences gag and horses hide their heads.