THE WORLD SERIES: ATHLETICS vs DODGERS : Dodgers Have No Chance--Just Like Against Mets

Dear Oakland:

We’re sorry.

We, the people of Los Angeles, would like to extend our humble apologies for sending our Dodgers into the World Series against your awesome Athletics.

Don Baylor, the A’s team spokesman, must feel like that suave guy in the wristwatch commercial on TV. The suave guy’s adoring wife gives him a watch for his birthday. Suave guy unwraps the package, turns up his nose and sniffs, “I was hoping for a Longines.”

We know Baylor and his boys were hoping for the New York Mets. But the Mets decided to go on vacation early, and the Dodgers are the best we could come up with on short notice.

We went over the fine print in the baseball rules and there just aren’t any loopholes. There is no “best team” clause that would allow the Dodgers to bow out and let the Mets jump in. You’re stuck with the boys in blue.

I did hear a rumor that the commissioner is considering doubleheaders this Saturday and Sunday so your A’s can end this fall classic and be on the first tee at the Maui CC Monday morning.

The Dodgers will appreciate a quick death, too, I’m sure. They don’t want to suffer unduly. To paraphrase Kirk Gibson, the Dodgers are dumb but they ain’t stupid. They realize they’re in deep against the A’s. If this were the Tour de France instead of the World Series, the Dodgers would be the ones with the training wheels.

Before a big series, players always say, “You can throw the stats out the window.” Well, the Dodgers wish they could.

There isn’t a .300 hitter on the ballclub, unless you count Tommy Lasorda, who should hit 300 early next banquet season. No Dodger hit 30 home runs this season. Remember 1977, when the Dodgers had 4 players who hit 30 home runs each? This year they had 30 players who hit 4 home runs each.

After they traded Pedro Guerrero away this year, the Dodgers hit .220 for the last 44 games and scored 3 runs or fewer in 25 of those games.

Then they got cold. They hit .200 in the series against the Mets. That’s the lowest batting average for a winning team in playoff history. It’s the bats, not the stats, that the Dodgers should throw out the window.

Actually the Dodgers have a couple of guys who can hit the ball over the fence like your Jose Canseco, but you have to let ‘em bat from second base.

What the Dodgers have is great pitching, a couple of other pretty good players, and several people who seem to be working here on some kind of federal government jobs program. You could take the bubble-gum cards of the Dodgers’ entire starting lineup, minus Gibson, and not be able to trade ‘em straight up for a Canseco. You couldn’t trade ‘em straight up for the bubble gum.

Not that the Dodgers are stiffs. Back in spring training, Lasorda flat-out predicted that his team would win the pennant. Of course, Tommy made the same prediction the previous two seasons.

To their credit, the Dodgers do have a certain endearing stick-to-itiveness, and I’m not referring to Jay Howell, who is the glue that holds the bullpen together.

Howell is the only pitcher I know who was taught to throw a curveball by Lester Hayes.

Howell will pitch if Orel Hershiser ever falters. Hershiser is scheduled to start Games 1, 2, 3, 4, 5 and 7. Lasorda is letting him take off Game 6 so he can visit his tailor and have his right shirt sleeve lengthened 8 inches.

With the exception of Hershiser, and possibly a long ball or two by gimpy Gibson, the Dodgers shouldn’t be much of a challenge for your incredible A’s. Look at the bright side: If baseball had a playoff format like hockey or basketball, right now the A’s might be preparing to take on the Atlanta Braves.

The Dodgers can’t offer your ballclub much competition, Oakland, but we citizens of Los Angeles will try to make it up to the players in other ways. Weather, for instance. If the A’s were playing in New York this weekend, your hitters would have to step out of the box to knock the icicles off their mustaches.

To help you deal with the boredom of this Series, we’ll have Magic Johnson and Wayne Gretzky stop by your clubhouse to sign some autographs. We’ll get your players an invitation to a pool party at Hef’s pad. Maybe we can get Jose and Eck a guest shot on Johnny’s show.

We hate to see your team make the trip all the way down here just to play the Dodgers.

I understand the A’s found an elephant that can pitch baseballs with its trunk. The elephant being the official team symbol, the A’s were going to have the critter throw out the ceremonial first pitch, but the league office nixed the plan.

Forget about that first-ball business. Sign that portly pachyderm to pitch the opening game. If the A’s are going to sweep the Series, at least they could leave something for the Dodgers to sweep.

The Dodgers are scrappy and they’ll give it 110%, but shucks, they’re no match for your awesome team. The Dodgers are no match for the Mets, either, and the Mets can’t wait until next season to prove it again.