Seoul Scandal Is a Natural for Punch’s Satire

What’s this? Another drug scandal? Not really, it’s just how Punch, the British humor magazine, satirized the Olympics in a recent issue.

Titled “Olympic Drug Shock,” the article said that David Coleman, the BBC’s leading commentator in Seoul, had been sent home because he failed a drug test just after his commentary on the men’s 100-meter final.

Traces of Itzphenominal (get it?) were found after testing Coleman, the magazine said. The drug strengthens the throat muscles and vocal cords, the story added, and improves the use of adjectives and makes the pronunciation of Korean names easier.

The article also explained the tragedy caused by the drug: “Coleman’s Los Angeles Olympic record of five sentences and four sub-clauses still remains, but his Seoul achievement--a staggering seven sentences and eight sub-clauses in an unbelievable 10 seconds--will be taken out of the record book.”

Henry Armstrong, the legendary boxer of the 1930s and ‘40s, will be buried today at Rosedale Cemetery. Since he and his wife, Gussie, lived on an $800-a-month Social Security check, Gussie had been worried about how she could afford to pay her husband’s funeral costs, which she estimated at $4,000.

Laker owner Jerry Buss gave her the money this week. Why Buss?

“Jerry was a great big fan,” Laker spokesman Bob Steiner said. “Henry Armstrong is with Joe Louis and Jack Dempsey and when he was growing up, those were the immortal names.”

When the Dodgers were in Washington on Wednesday to get President Reagan’s congratulations and Orel Hershiser went to Redskin Park, the first player he ran into was Doug Williams.

No, Hershiser did not teach Williams how to throw the split-fingered football, but after they shook hands, guess what they talked about.

“We just talked about our Disney commercials,” Hershiser said. “Doug asked how many takes mine took.”

What’s next? A night for Boo Jackson?

Ninety-nine of the first 100 patrons attending Houston Oilers Coach Jerry Glanville’s next radio show at a local restaurant will receive a Glanville look-alike mask, just in time for Halloween.

Why not 100?

“My wife asked to have one mask to keep at home because she never sees me,” Glanville said. “She wants to put it on the pillow.”

More Glanville: He has become known as the man in black--maybe Johnny Cash should coach football--with his all-black sideline attire and has become semi-popular with the national media for his off-the-cuff remarks.

NFL Films will attend Glanville’s Monday news conference, so Glanville invited local reporters to attend the filming, too.

“You guys can ask me some intelligent questions and get on television,” he said.

In case you are somehow unaware of it, there will be a 3-on-3 charity basketball tournament Nov. 12-13 at Cal State Long Beach.

So what, you ask? Well, the event is being produced by an entrepreneur in Belding, Mich., who obviously has a flair for words, judging from the title of the tournament:

The 1st Annual One and Only Gus Macker ‘fer Sure, All-Hollywood, All-Sandblaster, All-Corey, All-Joe, All-Maz, All-World, All-Galaxy, All-Universe Invitational Takin’ it to the Colonel’s Bucket Three-On-Three Outdoor Backyard-Style Call Your Own on the Beautiful Campus of Long Beach State Charity Basketball Tournament.”

After that, just 2 points for each basket seems kind of puny, doesn’t it?

For the record: Bruce Furniss, not John Naber, won the 200-meter freestyle at the 1976 Olympic games in Montreal, contrary to what was reported here. Furniss said Naber, his close friend, spotted the error and pointed it out to him.

“John loved it,” Furniss said. “At this stage, John still thinks he won anyway.”

Louisiana State has rebounded from a tough early football schedule and is 4-2 for the season as well as 3-1 in the Southeastern Conference.

But with Alabama and Miami still on the schedule, is the worst really over? LSU recruiting coordinator Sam Nader isn’t sure.

“It reminds me of the story of the scalp hunter who awoke surrounded by hostile Indians and shouted to his partner, ‘Wake up! We’re rich!,’ ” Nader said.

Quotebook

From Ram Coach John Robinson, reflecting on the trade a year ago that sent Eric Dickerson to Indianapolis: “Everybody’s happy. Everybody’s glad. Everybody feels good. Nobody’s sad.”