Mysterious Signs From St. Ridiculous

Some days you wake up desperate, not knowing where your next column is coming from. Then you go out in the world and there it is staring you right in the face. And once again, you have to remind yourself that St. Ridiculous, the patron saint of columnists, works in mysterious ways.

I was at New Urban Cappuccino Cafe No. 3,999,000. I was having lunch with my friend Dobby and my husband, Eddie (not to be confused with my husband, Vince). We had just polished off a couple of prosciutto-and-pear sandwiches on seeded baguettes. (Actually, the men refused to eat the pears because real men don’t eat pears on sandwiches.)

Afterward, we were sitting around sipping our caffes and doing what grown-ups usually do at lunch--making fun of other people’s clothes and seeing who could get the biggest steamed-milk mustache. Dobby said to Eddie, “That’s a nice sweater you’re wearing,” referring to the light-blue, V-neck cardigan he had on.

“Thanks,” Eddie said. “It’s Emma’s.” I pointed out that I was also wearing a sweater that belonged to Emma, our 14-year-old daughter. We both kind of live for Emma’s discards--hand-me-ups, I like to call them.

When we got up to leave, I checked the bulletin board in front of the cafe. St. Ridiculous, when he chooses to communicate with me, often does it through public bulletin boards. And sure enough, there they were, two modern documents bearing the unmistakable signature of St. Ridic. Two flyers right next to each other. One was headed “Making Love 24 Hours a Day!” and the adjacent one was headed “How to Overcome Relationship Addiction.”

Let the record show that both ads included drawings of buxom women.

Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, I give you the details of each flyer here so that you may judge whether these actual bits of cultural detritus--stuff I lack the imagination to create as fiction--are not indisputable proof that we live in the silliest of all possible worlds.

Exhibit A:

MAKING LOVE 24 HOURS A DAY!

A unique one-day communications workshop for individuals and singles where you will learn:

--How to successfully resolve conflict

--How to assert yourself and get what you want

--Improve self-esteem

--How to talk with your loved ones so you can really be heard

--How to be more in control of your love life and friendships

Designed to help you learn how to get and keep love alive in your relationships with friends, husbands, lovers.

Exhibit B:

HOW TO OVERCOME

RELATIONSHIP ADDICTION

Often a relationship addiction can keep us hooked on people who are not good for us. Loving someone who may not be an appropriate supportive person in your life can be destructive and undermining to you. Here is a four-month recovery program geared to people in all stages. Learn to:

--Value yourself more

--Focus on yourself

--Raise self-esteem

--Express feelings and wants

--Get out of addicted relationships into healthy ones

--Improve the relationship you have now. . . .

Well, as we stood there processing this info, I suddenly turned to Dobby and burst out singing, “Fish gotta swim, birds gotta fly, I gotta love one appropriate supportive person till I die. . . .”

And Dobby quickly came back with, “Blue moon, you saw me standing alone, without any self-esteem, without any control over my love life and friendships. . . .”

My husband, Eddie, who can’t bear to see adults asserting themselves in public, immediately buttoned up my daughter Emma’s blue cardigan and walked away. And so we all slouched back to work like wolves in children’s clothing.