Gift List of Toys for Socially Responsible Playing

We have just received the annual press release from the National Assn. for a Socially Responsible Childhood. The NASRC is pleased to announce this year’s 10 hottest toys for good little girls and boys. The association believes that too many children are being allowed to waste their childhood.

Each year, the association attempts to point parents toward those toys that are correct. In a world of bloody eyeball footballs and ugly creatures that transform into still uglier creatures, most parents will welcome this guidance. The 10 best for ’88 are:

1--Animal Rights Activist Barbie--Comes complete with a whole wardrobe of really tacky, obviously fake furs and tiny placards with sayings like “Neiman-Marcus: Hands Off My Carcass.” Makes a perfect companion to Save-the-Whales Ken.

2--The “Just Say No” Talking Pee-wee Herman Doll--No matter how many times you pull his string, Pee-wee just says “No.” Comes with optional insane giggle. “Just Say Shucks” Cowboy Curtis is also available.

3--Major Research Doctor’s Kit--Includes lab coat, genetically altered mice, grant-writing applications, tips on how to rip off graduate students, dinner invitations to the university president’s house and free gifts from Upjohn and Eli Lilly.

4--Teen-age Mutant Ninja Turtles Read the Classics--All those beautiful Classic Comics you read as kids are now available in a slightly updated version for your own little illiterate. Among the best are “Madame Bovary” as a working mom with an Amway distributorship and the Mutant Ninja Turtles disguised as Meg, Jo, Beth and Amy in “Little Persons.”

5--GI Joe Slice ‘n’ Dice Salad Gun--Steer your little guy away from combat and toward a useful future as a chef with the Salad Gun. Comes with optional radicchio loading belt. Shapes carrots into stars and radishes into fleurs-de-lis, and will shoot a lovely tomato border right around your heart-shaped salmon mousse.

6--Divestiture--The game the whole family can play. Sell your stock in companies that do bad things and try to find companies that do good things without actually losing money.

7--”Dan Quayle Fill-in-the-Blank Joke Book”--The latest in the “Dan Quayle Blank” series. For kids who’ve already done “Dan Quayle Fill-in-the-Blank U.S. History,” this one is purely for fun. Examples: “Why did Dan Quayle jump off the Empire State Building?” “Why did Dan Quayle cross the road?” “Who’s buried in Quayle’s mind?” Helps kids prepare for careers in journalism.

8--Safe Sex Double Dare--Everybody’s favorite TV game now available as a board game or in electronic form using computer graphics. Teaches kids about responsible contraception and instills in them a healthy fear of the gross things adults do.

9--Paint-by-the-Numbers to Help the Poor--A complete set with paints, numbered canvases and information on how to run a benefit gallery opening. Includes champagne, hors d’oeuvres, celebrity chef, string quartet and suggested causes for any money left after expenses.

10--”Worry, Don’t Be Happy”--the album for today’s children. Uses rhythm and harmony to drum into kids the risks from nuclear weapons, toxics polluting the planet, the greenhouse effect destroying the atmosphere, the budget deficit mortgaging their future and other things kids should think about.