We Are Fully Prepped to Say ‘No Comment’

A recent story reporting the annual Doublespeak Awards by the National Council of Teachers of English named the winners of the top awards, but overlooked some of the runners-up.

They reveal that the NCTE had an embarrassment of riches to choose from.

First prize justly went to Secretary of Defense Frank Carlucci and two admirals for their report on an investigation into the shooting down of an Iranian airliner by the U.S. cruiser Vincennes.

William D. Lutz of Rutgers University, chairman of the council’s committee on doublespeak, said the awards are made to spotlight conspicuous examples of public language that is “grossly deceptive, evasive, euphemistic, confusing, or self-contradictory,” and which has a potential for “pernicious social or political consequences.”

As for the Vincennes incident, the investigation revealed that a number of mistakes were made by equipment and crew, but that none of these mistakes was “crucial” in the commander’s decision to shoot the airliner down. Adm. William Crowe, chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff, said that “to say there were errors made . . . is not necessarily to suggest culpability.” Adm. Crowe added: “I believe that the actions of Iran were the proximate cause of this accident and would argue that Iran must bear the principal responsibility for the tragedy.”

Second place went to an anonymous official in the Reagan Administration who denied that officials of the administration had covered up the involvement of Honduran military officials in drug crimes. He said: “It wasn’t that there was a cover-up. It’s just that people knew certain questions shouldn’t be asked.”

Third place went to U.S. Sen. Orrin Hatch of Utah for his statement that “capital punishment is our society’s recognition of the sanctity of human life.”

White House spokesman Marlin Fitzwater won an award for his handling of an incident in which a U.S. Navy fighter fired two missiles at an Iranian jet. “At this point,” he said, “‘I will not confirm any part of the incident.” He acknowledged that President Reagan had been informed “soon after the incident happened.” Asked what incident he referred to, he said: “The incident that I’m not confirming.”

William Baker, spokesman for the Central Intelligence Agency, told reporters: “In a general way, we try to anticipate some of your questions so that I can respond ‘No comment’ with some degree of knowledge.”

The runners-up produced a wealth of doublespeak that was fascinating in its audacity. A few examples: New York City schools no longer have truant officers; they have attendance teachers. Today’s students don’t talk to themselves; they simply engage in “audible verbal self-reinforcement.” Guards in department stores are now called “loss prevention specialists.” A bodyguard is a “personal protection specialist.” A night watchman is a “night entry supervisor.”

The further down the list we go the funnier they are. Used cars are “previously distinguished cars.” Girdles are advertised as “anti-gravity panties.” A toothbrush is advertised as a “home plaque removal instrument.” People don’t diet anymore; they undergo “nutritional avoidance therapy.” An airplane didn’t crash. It was just a case of “uncontrolled contact with the ground.”

Do you know what cows, pigs and chickens are in the eyes of the U.S. Department of Agriculture? They’re “grain-consuming animal units.” To the Massachusetts Department of Public Works, road signs are “ground-mounted confirmatory route markers.”

The Chrysler corporation, according to the NCTE committee, did not lay off 5,000 workers; it just “initiated a career alternative enhancement program.” General Motors didn’t close a plant; it just made “a volume-related production schedule adjustment.” A patient in a Philadelphia hospital didn’t die of medical malpractice, but of “a diagnostic misadventure of a high magnitude.”

Doublespeak flowers at every level of government. In Maryland, seven state police officers were disciplined for failing to make a minimum number of drunk driving arrests. Accused of imposing quotas, the state police said, “These are not quotas. They are minimum expectations.”

As Humpty Dumpty said, “When I use a word, it means just what I choose it to mean--neither more nor less.”