The Good, the Bad and the Inauguration

Bad Roger was all ready for George Bush’s inauguration. He had on his tuxedo, his patent leather shoes and his cummerbund with the pink GOP elephants on them.

He had everything, in fact, except an invitation.

“A mere oversight,” Bad Roger said. “I am guessing that Lee Atwater will want to deliver it personally.”

Good Roger was not going to George Bush’s inauguration. Good Roger was going to deliver food baskets to the poor instead.

Good Roger is the kinder, gentler side of me. Bad Roger is the mean, nasty, take-no-prisoners side of me. And ever since Nov. 8 of last year, Bad Roger has sensed that America has swung his way.

“Yes-sir-ree,” Bad Roger said, “me and Lee Atwater symbolize the ‘90s.”

Lee Atwater was George Bush’s campaign manager. He persuaded Bush to run a negative campaign and attack Michael Dukakis’ patriotism, competence and sanity. Atwater will be installed as chairman of the Republican National Committee.

“This guy is my hero,” Bad Roger said.

“Do you realize the disgusting cost of this wretched inaugural excess?” Good Roger said. “In 1977, Jimmy Carter spent $3.5 million. In 1981, Ronald Reagan spent $15.5 million and in 1985, he spent $20 million. But George Bush has decided to spend an obscene $25 million!”

Bad Roger said, “All that money is coming from corporate giants and millionaire bigwigs.”

“It’s coming from people who hope to curry favor with the new Administration to get huge government contracts later on,” Good Roger said.

“Of course,” Bad Roger said. “How else are we going to get $600 toilet seats for our jet planes?”

Good Roger was really angry now. “And don’t forget the $7 million that is coming directly out of the taxpayers’ pockets for this inaugural insanity,” he said. “All those millions could be spent to improve the lives of unfortunate Americans instead on a bunch of drunks.”

“I want to read you something,” Good Roger said, rummaging through a stack of newspapers. “Barbara Bush was asked if that $25 million could have been raised for the homeless. And she replied: ‘No it couldn’t, because you wouldn’t raise the money for that purpose. These people are raising it because they worked years and years to elect a President.’ ”

“And she’s exactly right!” Bad Roger said. “You go to a bunch of Republican fat cats and say: ‘Let’s raise $25 million to help AIDS research and build homeless shelters.’ And they’d look at you and say: ‘Sorry, I got to mow the lawn.’ Or: ‘Gee, I gave at the office.’ ”

Good Roger shook his head sadly. “Listen to what is being assembled for this inaugural: Caterers using 60 trucks and 700 waiters will be serving 20,000 meals. There will be 1,000 elephant-shaped cookies. Mussels will be flown in from New Zealand, shrimp from Alabama, crayfish from Louisiana and oysters from Maine. Sixty pounds of white truffles have been flown in from Paris at $400 a pound. Also 1,000 pounds of wild boar sausage, 1,080 quail eggs, more than a ton of Norwegian salmon.”

”. . .Plus 800 quarts of raspberries and 7,000 bottles of wine,” Good Roger said. “Can you believe this? Mitch Snyder, the homeless activist, has declared that such lavish spending ‘is in extremely bad taste’ in a city where ‘human beings are freezing and eating out of garbage pails.’ ”

For once, Bad Roger had no snappy comeback. “I do have one question,” Bad Roger said quietly.

“Yes?” Good Roger said, his heart swelling with joy.

“Are the pleats on a cummerbund supposed to go up to catch the crumbs, or down so they fall on the floor?”

Bad Roger and the Bush Era. A winning combination.