How to Become a Famous Author in 5 Easy Steps

By the end of today’s column, you will know how to write a book. I know you want to do this, because you write and tell me so.

“I have been a baker for 47 years,” your letters say, “and the stories I could tell! We will split 50-50. The book will be called: ‘Rolling in Dough: The Marvin Shimkiss Story.’ Please start writing ‘Chapter One: The Early Years.’ ”

I turn down all such requests. But not because I think the books would be bad. Actually, 47 years of baking might make a very good book. But you don’t need (or even “knead,” ha-ha) me to write it.

You can do it yourself! I have learned this because I am currently writing a book. All journalists want to be authors. (Why more authors don’t want to be journalists, I don’t know. But they might have heard something about the hours.)

The first thing publishers tell journalists, however, is that journalism is not literature. And they are correct. Oscar Wilde said it best: “The difference between journalism and literature is that journalism is unreadable and literature is not read.”

So the first book I did was a collection of columns. And the first thing my friends said to me after it was published was: “When are you going to write a real book?”

This one isn’t real? I said. It costs $14.95. That seems pretty real to me.

“You know what we mean,” my friends, some of whom I am still speaking to, said. “A real book. Not a collection.”

And they had me. So I had to write a real book. With a beginning and a middle and an end. The whole schmeer.

But I learned a few things in the process, which I am going to share with you.

The first step in writing a book is writing a proposal. This is a lengthy, detailed outline of everything you are going to write and how you are going to organize it. It should be well written, to prove to the publisher that you can actually write, which the publisher doesn’t believe for a second.

I found I am very bad at writing proposals. That’s because a proposal is an outline of something that hasn’t happened yet. But my agent had good advice for me.

“Fake it,” he said.

I’m a newspaperman, I said, I can’t fake things.

“So pretend you’re an author,” he said, “and then fake it all you want.”

Secret No. 1: After the book is done, nobody goes back and reads the proposal. Which is why authors promise all kinds of wild things in their proposals. (“I will live with Ronald and Nancy Reagan for the next six months, recording their every conversation, fist-fight and kissy-faced interlude. This should make a good book. Please give me a lot of money to write it.”) Try to stay close to reality in your proposal, but don’t let it slow you down.

OK, so your proposal is sold and you are goofy with delight. You are breaking out the champagne, calling up friends and buying the kids a Nintendo with the first part of your advance.

That’s the good news: The publisher gives you some money, called an advance, up front. But soon you will know the meaning of the old proverb: “Be careful what you wish for because you may get what you wish.”

Because now you have to write the book !

This you never counted on. As an author once said, it’s hard to type a book, let alone write one.

First, you have to pick a style. This was very difficult for me, until I came upon a wonderful quote.

Secret No. 2: “Many intelligent people, when about to write books, force on their minds a certain notion about style, just as they screw up their faces when they sit for their portraits.”

This was said by Georg Christopher Lichtenberg, about whom I know nothing. (No, I don’t have time to look him up, I’m writing a book, for cripes’ sake!)

OK, so now you have a style. You know not to “screw up your face” but to write naturally. So the next thing you do is . . . get writer’s block!

Secret No. 3: There is no such thing as writer’s block. My father drove a truck for 40 years. And never once did he wake up in the morning and say: “I have truck driver’s block today. I am not going to work.”

Writer’s block is a self-indulgence invented by authors who want to pretend they are “artistes” instead of wage earners.

If you want to cure writer’s block real fast, just imagine having to give the advance back.

Secret No. 4: OK, here’s the big one. I could probably patent this and make a fortune. But you are my readers and I love you, so here it is for free:

Write just six pages a day and you will have a book in three months. I am not kidding.

Write just six, double-spaced pages a day and at the end of five days, you will have a chapter. (And you get two days off for good behavior.) At the end of 12 weeks, you will have a book.

That’s it. That’s all it takes.

Now, your book is done. But you are wondering, who will buy my book? That is simple.

Secret No. 5: Be sure to have lots of relatives.