Calorie-Free Vacation

Yasmeen is a slim girl with flashing eyes and a broad smile. She was stirring up a pie of chocolate and pecans as we talked in the galley of a yacht moored off Tortola in the British Virgin Islands.

“This pie has no calories,” she said firmly, pouring the dark filling into the unbaked crust she had just rolled out. “In the first place, calories don’t count at sea. And calories don’t count when you’re on vacation.”

I had heard such myths before, but never had they been uttered with such conviction.

“I’ve traveled a lot,” Yasmeen said, “but this is the first season I’ve crewed in the Caribbean. When we’re sitting around a dock or waiting for a plane to come in, we make a game of trading tips on when you can relax and forget about calories.”

“Tell me more,” I said, munching a freshly baked cookie. “This could be important to anyone who travels.”

Not Before 5 p.m.

“Well, calories don’t count if you take small bites,” she said. I closed my mouth a notch.

“And calories don’t count before 5 p.m.” It was just minutes past 3.

“Food is not fattening if it has fruit in it,” she went on, warming to her task. “Food in a restaurant is not fattening if the menu is in a foreign language. I mean, if you don’t know what you’re ordering, you can’t be blamed for what comes.”

“How about: ‘Calories don’t count if someone else orders for you,’ ” I interjected with vigor. “It shouldn’t be fattening if it’s a dinner party and you are only being polite by cleaning your plate.”

Yasmeen nodded in encouragement.

Extenuating Circumstances

“You’re catching on,” she replied. “There are a lot of extenuating circumstances.

“For example, it may seem far-fetched, but calories don’t count if you eat only one thing at a time. You can snack on brownies or potato chips or broccoli, but not all three at once.

“If one ingredient is changed, calories often disappear. Like, M&Ms; without peanuts are not fattening. Or if you add lettuce to a sandwich, it cuts the fat in mayonnaise.”

I grinned at this lithe charmer who wore a sarong with flair. I could hardly believe that I was taking notes.

“Calories don’t count if you’re tasting while you cook,” she continued. “Calories don’t count if it’s a dish you don’t really like. That happens a lot on cruise ships, which is why passengers order lots of courses. Calories from a buffet probably don’t count because you don’t take much of anything and there’s all the walking involved.”

I poured another mug of coffee--black--and noticed that the wind was shifting. I wondered what effect global weather might have on calories. Before I could pose the question, Yasmeen was talking again.

Gifts Don’t Count

“Calories around the edges don’t count,” she said. “I mean, if you trace your finger around the icing at the edge of a cake plate, you’re home free. Also, there are no calories when you lick the bowls after cooking or baking.”

She told me that calories in gifts do not count, which is why holiday packages are such treats. She promised that calories never count in a first helping.

“Some people tell me that calories count less in some countries than others, but I haven’t done research on that yet.”

The oven bell rang and she took out the pie. The smell of dark chocolate hung in the air like a silken curtain. I had to go up on deck to remind myself that it was not yet supper time.

The setting sun had turned the sea to topaz. Pelicans cruised by and dived for their dinner.

Calories don’t count if you dive for them, I suspect.

I was glad I had gone snorkeling that morning.