Ruminations Reveal Crises in Culture

Simon says:

--Carving a turkey is like parallel parking: You can do it perfectly until you have to do it in front of someone.

--Are there really people who can still remember their high-school locker combination? (I couldn’t remember it when I was in high school.)

--When’s the last time you heard a really good harpist?

--I am always dismayed when I check into hotels and find cigarette burns on the bathroom sink. Who is so depraved that he needs to smoke in the john?

--When did it become cool to button your shirt up to the top and not wear a tie? Did someone record the date for history?

--The trouble with diamonds is that they’re so hard to keep clean.

--I love the bulk-food sections of grocery stores. I really like digging in those barrels for licorice twists.

--I don’t know anyone who knows how to tie a cravat and I think I’m glad about it.

--You can tell a lot about a person by whether he puts the catsup directly on his French fries or makes a dip pool on the side.

--Why do people always take the second newspaper in the stack?

--People who actually believe there is a system to playing lotteries are just kidding themselves. (Although 32 does seem to come up an awful lot.)

--People who use two middle initials should be beaten with sticks.

--The most lasting legacy of the Reagan years may be that more men are now wearing pocket handkerchiefs.

--Does anybody really know the difference between a coupe and a sedan?

--I figure if God really wanted us to have square light bulbs, he would have invented them.

--Can anybody tell me why “60 Minutes” needs to be in stereo?

--OK, OK, you can stop writing in. The song I was thinking of was “In My Life” on the Beatles’ “Rubber Soul” album and, yes, Judy Collins recorded it too.

--Unpleated pants have gone the way of white tennis balls.

--I am one of the few people I know who actually knows the secret of untwisting a telephone cord.

--I’ve got to admit it: “The Wonder Years” could be the story of my life.

--I can’t believe the federal government may really ban assault rifles. Pretty soon they’ll be coming into our homes and trying to take away our mortars.

--Finding the hidden bunny on the cover of Playboy has become much too easy lately.

--Do they still show “Hemo the Magnificent” in grade-school science class?

--Eleven million gallons of oil are dumped onto the Alaskan coast because the crew of one oil tanker decides to do what we all do and bend the rules. Sort of makes you wonder about those guys in our missile silos.

--The true test of a well-brought-up person is his/her table manners when dining at home alone. (I always try to keep my feet out of the butter dish.)

--Most parties could be made a whole lot more fun by one good game of musical chairs.

--The three things you can never tell your friends is how to drive, how to raise their kids and how to care for their lawns.