Ideas Blossom in the Soil of Common Sense

Simon says:

It is a little-known fact that thousands of experts are paid millions of dollars to arrange the bacon so it always looks good through the little plastic window on the package.

Do cuticles serve any purpose? And if not, why not?

If you ever wondered how much journalistic principles were worth, Linda Ellerbee got $350,000 to sell out hers for those Maxwell House commercials.

Drug czar William Bennett says there is nothing “morally” wrong with beheading convicted drug dealers. OK, now how about convicted politicians?

I don’t think I know anyone who has ever drunk rye. (Does it taste like the bread?)

How come on chewing-gum commercials you never see people actually chewing the gum?

New telephone systems that flash the number of the party who is calling is something George Orwell could have dreamed up.

When I first saw Geena Davis on “Buffalo Bill” I knew she was destined for great things.

No one can pronounce milieu without feeling self-conscious about it.

Fascinating reading: “The smoke from a single cigarette contains about 100 times more cyanide than did the two grapes from Chile that were impounded by government officials in March. (UC Berkeley Wellness Letter, Volume 5, Issue 10.)

Is there a family in America who still sits in the living room and sings together?

Couldn’t we all get together and agree to mow our lawns during the same two hours on the same day? That way we wouldn’t have to hear mowers every hour of every weekend.

I think the Democrats better forget about cashing in on the Republican sleaze factor.

Fax machines are already passe. The latest fad: Office chain saws.

Try to find a gas station attendant with an air gauge, go ahead and try. (In fact, try to find a gas station attendant.)

Confidential to “Confounded in Cleveland”: I have checked with legal authorities and they all agree that you cannot shoot your neighbor’s windows out just because he put up a satellite TV dish. I suggest reasoning with him instead. And if that doesn’t work, you can always set the tires of his car on fire.

People who think naps are just for children don’t know how to live.

Some beer comes in green bottles, some beer comes in brown bottles and some beer comes in clear bottles. But it’s all beer. This brotherhood message has been brought to you by the National Beer Belly Council.

Because it is a medical fact that you can’t keep your eyes open while sneezing, many people drive half blind during the allergy season.

A million-dollar idea I am giving away for free: Make the last few feet of dental floss a different color so you know when you are about to run out.

I’ll bet if Sylvester Stallone and Arnold Schwarzenegger made a movie together they could make 50 to 100 grand easy. Apiece. (How about a remake of “Gigi”?)

Until President Bush announced he was stopping the sale of U.S. arms to China, I had no idea we were selling arms to China. What on earth for?

I can’t remember the last time I saw someone do a really good polka.

The University of Maryland just put together a financial package for its new basketball coach that will pay him $400,000 per year. I wonder what kind of packages they put together for their English professors.

I have never, ever seen an interoffice envelope with all the name lines filled in.

Polls show that Mikhail Gorbachev is far more popular around the world than George Bush. Ninety percent of all West Germans trust Gorbachev, for instance, compared to only 58% for Bush. And Gorbachev doesn’t even have Lee Atwater!