They’re All Still ‘Crankees’ After All These Years

This week, Dallas got mad at Lou. Dallas has Lou’s old job. Lou has Billy’s old job. Everyone works for George, who leads the Crankees to paranoia, but not pennants.

Lou is a TV announcer. Dallas is the manager. Lou suggested a leadoff hitter to Dallas after George suggested new coaches. Dallas said he expects to be fired. But Dallas won’t quit. No sir.

Where’s Billy, anyway?

“You know what the problem is here?” Dallas said. “The problem here is that there’s too much damned pressure to win a baseball game every day. Every one of the guys who’s been here thinks that way, and they think that way because of the guy up there.”

The guy up there is George. He changes managers the way fat people change diets. The Crankees play in the AL Least, not the AFC East. Still, George becomes very upset if they don’t win every day.

Meanwhile, Dallas’ pitching staff has allowed the most runs in the majors. This makes it very difficult to win every day. George doesn’t want to hear it. He wants the coaches’ heads. Lou wants a new leadoff hitter.

Where’s Billy, anyway?

The Crankees have won more games than any other team in this decade, but no world titles. The last time they were shut out in a decade was 1910-1920. Dallas began the ‘80s managing the world champion Phillies. Now this.

Anyway, Lou said he doesn’t want Dallas’ job, when of course he does. Sportswriters say Roberto Kelly should bat leadoff. Why can’t sportscaster Lou? Touchy Dallas. Tough guy Dallas. He’ll call his boss names, but he won’t quit. No sir.

George, Lou, Dallas.

Dallas, Lou, George.

Where’s Billy, anyway?

SHOWDOWN OF THE WEEK: Back to baseball. More than 45,000 tickets have been sold for each of the three games between the Angels and A’s at Anaheim Stadium this weekend. The most compelling matchup will be Saturday’s nationally televised duel between Jim Abbott and Bob Welch.

Abbott (10-7) has emerged as a strong candidate for Rookie of the Year, but for once he’s not the central figure in a human-interest saga. Welch’s wife, Mary Ellen, gave birth to their first child July 27. His mother died the next day.

Since then, Welch has lost two straight starts. “It’s been a battle to get refocused,” he said. “It busts your heart a little bit. I had the most wonderful thing happen in my life, and then the saddest thing, all in a period of 24 hours.”

SENIOR-ITIS: The Senior Baseball Assn. staged an impressive draft Tuesday (Mark Fidrych, J.R. Richard, et al) but no one has signed a contract yet. The selected players simply returned index cards indicating interest.

The teams in eight Florida cities will be made up of former major-league players over the age of 35--except catchers, who must be over 32. League officials want play to begin on Nov. 1 and last three months, with five to six games a week.

Dick Williams (West Palm Beach) and Gates Brown (Orlando) are expected to be named managers shortly.

SAVE OF THE WEEK: Jeff Reardon stayed behind in Minnesota at the start of the Twins’ three-game visit to Baltimore on Monday so that he could remain with his wife, Phebe, who underwent exploratory surgery on a lump in her thymus gland.

After Phebe learned that the lump was benign, she instructed Jeff to head to Baltimore with the orders, “save the game for me.” Reardon caught a 3 p.m. flight, changed planes in Chicago and arrived at Baltimore Washington Iternational by 7:30.

He took a cab to Memorial Stadium, and was in uniform by the fourth inning. To complete the story, he earned his 20th save in the Twins’ 4-2 victory, and is now the only active pitcher with 20 saves in eight straight seasons.

“The best day I can remember,” Reardon said.

FOUL CALL: Dave Stewart was the victim of a scoring blunder in Seattle when Mike Kingery was awarded an inside-the-park homer after hitting a line drive that A’s left fielder Stan Javier booted to the wall.

“If he wants to call that an inside-the-park home run, then Lassie wasn’t a dog,” Stewart said. “That ticked me off so much I had to give up a real one to give the scorekeeper a chance to see what a real one looks like.”

Jeffrey Leonard was the beneficiary of Stewart’s lesson for official scorer Steve Ellis. Stewart has allowed a club-high 17 home runs, including 10 in his last 43 1/3 innings.

NO DIFFERENCE: In 12 games since trading for designated hitter Harold Baines, the Rangers have gone 5-7 and averaged only 3.67 runs. Baines has the game-winning RBI in four of the victories.

The Rangers lost, 3-2, to the Orioles Sunday despite fielding a lineup with a combined .302 average--and that included catcher Chad Kreuter, batting .127.

BIG DIFFERENCE: In 11 games since trading for pitcher Frank Viola, Mets starters are 7-0 with a 1.68 ERA, three shutouts and five complete games. One problem: Viola’s support in New York hasn’t been any better than it was with Minnesota.

The Mets scored four runs in his first two starts, so he’s 1-0 with a no-decision despite allowing only three earned runs in 15 innings. The Twins scored a total of 15 runs in 10 of Viola’s 12 losses.

FREAK INJURY I: Mickey Hatcher, the Dodgers’ leading hitter (.322), was entertaining friends at his home Saturday night when a rock came through his window. He raced outside to chase the vandals, only to suffer a pulled left hamstring.

Nice guy that he is, Hatcher said he wouldn’t press charges if the window was replaced.

“I was young once,” he said.

FREAK INJURY II: This one’s even better. Blue Jays reliever David Wells was rushed to a Toronto hospital early Saturday after putting his hand through a window. Wells, a lefty in every sense of the word, said he was sleepwalking.

He required five stitches in his left thumb, but the wound was minor. Wells claimed he also was sleepwalking on the Jays’ last trip to Seattle. With a 10-game trip looming to Kansas City, Boston and Baltimore, he has been sent to a sleep-disorder clinic.

SEE WHAT A VACATION CAN DO? The Indians’ Tom Candiotti is 10-0 with a 1.56 ERA the last two seasons after coming off the disabled list (6-0 last year after Aug. 19, 4-0 this year after July 19).

“We’re going to make this an annual event, whether Candy needs it or not,” Indians Manager Doc Edwards announced this week. “Every season, we’re going to give him a two-week sabbatical.”

The Brewers clocked Candiotti’s curveball at 52 m.p.h. in a recent start, and only one of his fastballs at 80. “He looks like Nolan Ryan after seeing some of that other stuff,” Terry Francona said.

MILK DELAY: Braves Manager Russ Nixon was incensed when the Reds proceeded with their Farmer’s Night activities on Friday after a 45-minute rain delay. It only made matters worse when Braves bullpen coach Roy Majtyka and reliever Joe Boever lost the cow-milking contest to Reds catcher Tom Oliver and pitcher Tom Browning.

Lighten up, Russ.

The Braves won, 7-1.

SHAKE IT UP, BABY: Remember Scott Scudder, the Reds pitcher who received news of his demotion in Los Angeles the moment an earthquake shook the city? He knew just what to do when an earthquake hit San Francisco on Tuesday: “I left my phone off the hook all day.”

AROUND THE HORN: Wouldn’t it be something if Bob Knepper helped the Giants edge the Astros in the National League West? The Giants, decimated by injuries, signed Knepper after he was released by the Astros with a 4-10 record and 5.89 ERA. The Indians also showed interest, but Knepper wanted to return to his original team. He allowed two runs in six innings in his first start.

Braves left-hander Tom Glavine is 4-0 against the Dodgers this season, but that’s nothing. Glavine’s first pitching coach in the Braves’ system, Larry Jaster, shut out the Dodgers five times for the Cardinals in 1966.

Speaking of the Braves, John Smoltz is winless in four decisions since July 7, the day after he was named to the All-Star team.

The latest player to wear glasses is the Royals’ Kevin Seitzer. Seitzer has 20-20 vision --the glasses make it 20-10. “It’s amazing; all the images are sharp and clearer now,” Seitzer said. Alvin Davis and Glenn Braggs are other players who benefited from trying corrective lenses. Eddie Murray was insulted by the idea in altimore.