If Cubs Win It, They’ll Have Devil to Pay

Should the Giants win the World Series, the taxpayers of San Francisco probably will be so happy that they will vote to build two new stadiums--shoot, maybe three. Downtown, uptown, by the Bay, in the Bay, in Willie McCovey’s driveway, next to Carol Doda’s strip joint--anyplace. They’ll call Ballparks R Us and start building the morning after Game 7.

Should the Athletics win the World Series, the taxpayers of Oakland probably will be so happy that they will vote to build the Raiders their own football stadium--adding that to the city’s current offer, which gives Al Davis the deed to the airport, the mayor’s house, the major banks, several hotels, Boardwalk, Park Place, the electric company and all first-born male children.

And if the Cubs win . . . ?

Uh oh.

First of all, there goes the neighborhood.

If the Cubs win, the conclusion understandably will be reached that the lack of lights was all that was keeping the team from winning a World Series since 1908.

If the Cubs win, therefore, Chicago taxpayers the very next morning will vote to play all 81 home games under the lights, from 1990 on, including Sundays and holidays.

If the Cubs win, furthermore, somebody surely will approve funds for a new Wrigleydome, with artificial grass, artificial dirt, artificial vines, luxury boxes, a retractable roof, an outfield upper deck and one of those jumbo electronic scoreboards that show “highlight” films of players embarrassing themselves in the field.

If the Cubs win, Harry Caray will have to start sounding more surprised when they don’t, shouting: “Cubs lose! Cubs lose!”

If the Cubs win, Mayor Richard Daley--son of the Mayor Richard Daley, who was a very serious White Sox fan--might have to fly the flag at City Hall at half-mast.

If the Cubs win, Ernie Banks would become twice as happy as he already is, which will put him somewhere between Mr. Rogers and Magic Johnson in the Mr. Happy Hall of Fame.

If the Cubs win, Ronald Reagan will have to rewrite his list of Best Things That Ever Happened to Me, changing the order to: No. 2--Meeting Nancy; No. 3--Becoming President; No. 4--Becoming a Movie Star; No. 5--Broadcasting Cub Games.

If the Cubs win, George Will can stop writing about why they don’t, which will be a great day for all of us.

If the Cubs win, Tom Dreesen will be out of comedy material for the entire 1990s.

If the Cubs win, Don Zimmer will get his own brand of spaghetti sauce.

If the Cubs win, the Zimmer look will become popular with Chicago’s youth, and kids throughout the Midwest will be walking around looking like Uncle Fester.

If the Cubs win, new mothers and fathers will start naming their babies Ryne and Shawon, which will be a bad day for babies everywhere.

If the Cubs win, Mitch Williams will become such a hero that everybody will want a tattoo of Speedy Gonzalez, just like his.

If the Cubs win, bigmouth Rafael Palmeiro won’t think that trade to Texas was such a hot deal after all.

If the Cubs win, the final game of the World Series will be the first in history at which reporters outnumbered the paid attendance.

If the Cubs win, Ray Floyd will feel a lot better than he did after the Ryder Cup.

If the Cubs win, the Times’ best-seller list in November will feature at least five Cub books, probably including “Jerome Walton: The Man, The Myth,” and one by Peter Golenbock, with chapters about Mark Grayce, Rik Suttclife, Gregg Mattux and Jim Fry, if you get my drift.

If the Cubs win, the Bleacher Bums will probably organize a union.

If the Cubs win, Playboy magazine will say that a mistake was made, that Jimmy Hoffa is actually inside the manually operated scoreboard, somewhere between the seventh and eighth innings of the Detroit-Cleveland game.

If the Cubs win, morticians will be incredibly busy dealing with the smiles of all those who for decades have been waiting to say: “Now, I can finally die happy.”

If the Cubs win, the devil’s gonna freeze his horns off, because hell will have frozen over at last.

If the Cubs win, Chicago will finally toddle. We always wondered how towns toddled. Here’s our big chance to find out.