For Only $600 a Pop, Stones Are Still the BMW of Rock Bands

Hello, Tina? Yes, is Mr. Maxwell out of his 11:30 yet? Please buzz him and tell him it’s me. Thanks.

B.J.? Yeah, hi. Just had to tell you how absolutely amazing the Stones’ show at the Coliseum was last night. Really reminded me of everything that great rock ‘n’ roll is all about. You know, it was . . . just a sec. . . . Oh, Maggie? Hold my calls, and tell the old man I’ve left for my noon lunch with Applegate, OK? . . . Brian? Yeah, sorry about the speaker-phone, but I’m on the Exercycle.

Anyway, it was just incredible. Really, worth every penny of the $600 the tickets cost me. Get this: stadium floor, Section A. Yeah, no lie. And Row 9! I couldn’t have been more than 300 feet from the stage--I could actually see the green coat Jagger wore, you know, sort of a P.T. Barnum-style circus thing?

Honestly, big guy, you gotta call your broker and get some. Anything less than a grand for a pair of floor seats will be a steal. And hell, isn’t it great to be in a position where we can afford it once in a while? After all, this is the Stones!

Criminy, I don’t have to remind you what we went through for tickets when we were kids. The ’72 tour? Remember that totally obnoxious Brooklyn guy we had to stand next to in line for 36 hours? What a moron. “And make sure it’s a maple bah, not a glazed, awright awready?” I’ll never forget.

So anyway, I leave the office about 6 and pick up Janie at the health club--she dropped the kids off for the night with her mother because we knew it was going to be a late one, and her mom will get ‘em to Montessori on time in the morning.

The great thing about this tour is it’s not just the Stones, but also that band the people are saying are sort of like a young Stones, you know, Guns N’ Roses? And also that band that’s getting so much ink because the guys are black but they play hard rock--Living Colour?

I heard Living Colour was great, went on exactly at 6 and finished on the button 50 minutes later, just like clockwork. We missed it, ‘cause traffic was so bad outside. But I’ll give you a tip--we went down Flower near 35th, and found a lot there for 15 bucks. Yeah, really. Shoot, some idiots kept fighting the gridlock just to get a half-block closer and they got suckered for $30 to park. No, I don’t park on the street any more--you kidding? Not with the Jag.

So once we got parked and I got the alarm set and the Blaupunkt locked in the trunk, we only had to walk three blocks. We probably would have gotten in sooner if all those scalpers hadn’t hassled us on the way in. And I tell you, Bri, I had to think twice about hanging on to those duckets of mine. They were offering me five bills apiece for em! But sometimes you just have to say bag the money, am I right? The great thing is that extra pair I bought from the kid down the street for $75 the day they went on sale, I turned ‘em around for three-and-a-half each, which just about broke even on my pair, see what I mean? It was brilliant.

Once we get in, Guns N’ Roses is on already. I’ve heard a couple of their songs on the radio but didn’t know too much about ‘em before this. I don’t even have any of their CDs. But ya know, Bri, they were pretty good. And it’s amazing to think you could still see ‘em in a club around here just a couple of years ago. Yeah, but I didn’t know who they were then, so I never went either.

It’s true, though, they are really rebellious like the Stones used to be in the ‘60s. I mean, that Axl Rose guy, he’s got all these tattoos, and his hair is really stringy and he wears his baseball cap backwards. Man, I couldn’t believe it. His record company must hate him, but I can respect how he’s really doing things his way. You ought to see their guitar player, too--Slash? His hair was so long and curly you never even saw his face; every time the video cameras zoomed in for a close-up, all you saw was a body and a guitar. No head, I swear to God.

The best part of their show was right at the end. Axl introduced their last song and said it was about trying to get through life the best you can and trying to reach your dreams and not letting anything get in the way. Then he went into--I’m not kidding--Dylan’s “Knockin’ on Heaven’s Door.” I didn’t think I’d identify much with such a young band, but I knew exactly what he was talking about. It’s the same way I feel about that promotion. If I could just get that jerk-o boot-licking supervisor off my back, I know I could land that Pembrook account while he’s not looking. And hell, I deserve it, and it was like Axl said, I’m not going to let anything get in my way.

So Guns N’ Roses was OK, but nothing like the Stones. . . . Jeez--you know, they’ve still got it? And they’re almost 50 years old. Heck, Charlie Watts looks like Wainwright’s grandfather, I swear. But it was straight, pure rock ‘n’ roll, 180 proof, you know what I mean? That’s all that counted.

But don’t listen to me, my man--really, call up the agency and get them to pull you some seats. If nothing else you’ve gotta see this stage. I heard them on the radio say it’s 10 stories tall and takes 65 semis to move it all around. You won’t believe it. They’ve even got a huge dish antenna on top. Yeah, must be for a satellite uplink for closed circuit or cable or something.

The whole thing looks like a NASA launching pad--they’ve even got a couple of big pipes that look like booster rockets that fog comes pouring out of during the show. You think you’ve seen fog machines? Forget it. I swear to gawd, they’ve got the BMW of fog machines.

Plus they’ve got all the computer-controlled lighting, and lasers, plus the greatest sound system and biggest, sharpest video screens I’ve ever seen. I swear the resolution is better than my projection TV, and I paid seven-and-a-half Gs for that setup--on your say-so, I might add.

I think back on some of those concerts we used to go to, with those pitiful little light shows, and I swear it makes me laugh at what we used to think was a great show.

Only two things bothered me. I mean, Watts’ cheesy kit had maybe, what, like five drums and two cymbals? And looked like it cost all of 250 bucks. You’d think the guy could afford something a little better. And also, it bugged me during Woody’s guitar solos when the camera zeroed in on him and he was always puffing away on a butt. I know it sounds dumb, but they oughta set a better example. I don’t have to remind you how long it took us to quit, do I?

Anyway, they did almost all of their greatest songs like they’ve been playing lately on Classic Rock radio, and they even threw in a full-blown psychedelic version of “2000 Light Years From Home.”

But the topper was at the end, when Keith ripped off the “dunt-duh-duhdudduh-duh-dunt-duh” riff for “Satisfaction.” Criminy, maybe Jagger has been singing it for 25 years, but I tell you, Bri, I still know exactly what he means. When Mick snarls like that, singing “I can’t get no . . . duh-duh-duh . . . sa-tis-fac-tion . . . duh-duh-duh,” it’s still believable, you know?

Well, that’s when we left, only because I had that breakfast session first thing this morning with that marketing slug the Raleigh people saddled me with. But on our way to the parking lot they went into “Jumpin’ Jack Flash,” they set off all these fireworks and flash pots and junk. I think they must have had half the Fire Department out there where they were shooting them off.

I was crunching some figures on the PC this morning, and I figure they’ll pull in about $8.5 mil just on ticket sales--forget about the merchandising, though I’d be happy to take one point on the decal concession, know what I mean?

It’s like I told Janie on the way back to the Jag, I’m really glad we went, even with the hassles.

I’m telling you, it’s what rock ‘n’ roll is all about now. Later, big guy.