Bush Should Try Gorby’s Brand of Lip Service

This may be the hottest diplomatic idea to hit international circuitry and summitry since the invention of the jet aircraft and, yes, even glasnost.

I thought of it when I saw newspaper, magazine and television coverage of Mikhail S. Gorbachev kissing East Germany’s Erich Honecker on both cheeks when Gorby went to Berlin recently to celebrate East Germany’s 40th anniversary (which came off well in spite of the fact there is a mass exodus of East Germans to West Germany, and that it’s Gorbachev’s message of change that inspired the freedom flight). I think the good feelings between these two politicians had something to do with what I’ll call the international kiss-kiss.

These guys don’t know each other that well: Double kissing is just a European custom, right?

But maybe it’s a good one, one that all leaders should adopt.

I have a Russian friend who always kisses me on both cheeks, even when she was a rampant Communist. I must say I like that better than those “airless” kisses women give one another upon greeting, to say nothing of the gross mouth kisses that old men give young women at parties, the ones that come off as some sort of artificial respiration.

Even the talk show kiss is stupid. I used to feel sorry for Merv Griffin and Mike Douglas when they had to kiss all their guests.

I guess I just never believed the old line from that tune in “Casablanca”--”You must remember this, a kiss is just a kiss. . . .” No, by golly, a kiss can mean a hell of a lot, especially if it’s on both cheeks.

Listen up: I am talking about the diplomats of the world and their habit of cheek bussing.

And I am mainly talking President Bush, who could now be taking advantage of Gorbymania and adopting the international kiss-kiss policy.

Since the Gorbachevs seem to be real pace-setters--Raisa’s fur coat, Gorby’s birthmark--how about if the Bushes start double bussing, too? That way everybody can get in on the Great Kissing Epidemic. Barbara would be especially good at it since she comes off so genuine anyway. Who wouldn’t accept a double kiss from a grandmother in white hair with matching pearls?

Bush is just back from meeting with French President Francis Mitterrand, Mexican President Carlos Salinas de Gortari, and Egyptian President Hosni Mubarak. He could have kissed them all on both cheeks and established a real cozy feeling that might cement all sorts of long-lasting relationships.

Within 90 days Bush is due to call for a summit with the presidents of Bolivia, Colombia and Peru. How about establishing the double-bussing policy?

I’ve checked around: The Swiss do it; the French do it; the Greeks do it; the Spanish do it, and my friend from Amsterdam says that they have been doing it over there for years. Even though it may ruin her “blush-on,” she sees it as safer than mouth-to-mouth kissing.

They say that men kissing men began back in biblical times. And, of course, in ancient times knights kissed before going into battle.

So close your eyes and imagine how much more caring George Bush will come off if he learns to double buss with some of those liberal Democrats in Congress. Who knows, maybe he could eventually go cheek-to-cheek with Castro, Noriega, and even the unshaven Arafat?

There is a distinct possibility that by getting more continental, we could show the world we are as sophisticated as any older society. Perhaps our diplomats would widen their popularity and help melt down or obliterate the Cold War.