In Final Analysis, Chargers Always Find a Way to Get It Undone

It seems as if Alfred Hitchcock would just love these Chargers and their down-to-the-very-last-reel Sunday matinees.

These games are never over until either the fat guy jumps offside or the punk quarterback looks up with chagrin to see that the clock says 0:00 and the box indicating timeouts remaining says “1” next to Chargers.

Unfortunately, Al, there have been no surprise endings with these Chargers.

If they were golfers, they would lose every tournament with a three-putt on the 72nd green.

If they were basketball players, they would miss layups at the buzzer.

If they were channel swimmers, they would be eaten by sharks just after their toes hit bottom on the far side.

They come close, but they don’t get it done.

Yes, Al, these Chargers are predictable.

Can you imagine the Lone Ranger riding off into the sunset draped limply over Tonto’s saddle at the end of each episode? Tune in again next week, children, to see how the masked man gets sacked.

For the past four weeks, the Chargers have gotten into the final two minutes with a chance to win or tie the game. They have lost, 16-10, 17-16, 20-13 and, finally, 10-7 to Seattle last Sunday. They can smell victory somewhere in the vicinity, but they don’t seem to know which direction to go to find it.

At least they’re exciting.

Think again.

These are not the Cardiac Kids but rather the Insomniac Kids. The problem with catching the last couple of minutes of a Charger game is staying awake that long. Anyone with a sleep disorder should tape these games and play them at bedtime.

Sunday’s game in Seattle may go down in history as the lowest scoring rout in the history of the National Football League. If the first 58 minutes game was taped and all the scoring plays omitted, you would have thought Seattle was up, maybe, 38-7. (The Chargers would have aided the editing process by not having had any scoring plays.)

It is the defense, of course, that has managed to keep these scores respectable. It’s not easy to get beaten badly when the opposition is averaging only 18.25 points per game. An offense really need be only barely alive to stay alive until the end, and barely alive aptly describes the Charger offense.

But those last two minutes have been adventures in futility. The defense seems to lose its focus, and the offense, of course, seems to have no focus to lose.

What the Chargers need is something like a Two-Minute Manager.

Let us count the ways this team has managed to not score the points it needed to tie or win in the past four weeks:

*Incomplete Passes

Vencie Glenn’s 81-yard run with a fumble pulled the Chargers to within a touchdown of the New York Giants, 13-20, with three minutes to play. The defense did its job and got the ball back.

Jim McMahon, the quarterback, promptly threw three incomplete passes.

The End.

*Intercepted Passes

Denver had scored with 1:03 to play when Bobby Humphrey ran 17 yards through an assortment of non-tacklers disguised as football players and took a 16-10 lead.

But still there was time.

However, McMahon promptly threw an interception.

The End.

*Completed Passes

That’s right, completed passes. This team, and its quarterback, can even turn a completed pass into just another sad way not to have a chance to win a game.

This happened Sunday with them down, 7-10, to Seattle.

With precious few seconds on the clock, McMahon threw a pass that was batted back in his direction. The intelligent and instinctive play would have been to bat it away and stop the clock, because McMahon is the last person in the world the Chargers want carrying the ball in that situation . . . and they desperately needed to get the clock stopped.

McMahon caught it. Time ran out, even though the Chargers actually had an unused timeout at their disposal.

The End.

*Clock Abuse

In the 16-17 loss to Seattle, a timeout was wasted early in the final drive because a rookie wide receiver lined up in the wrong place.

Consequently, when McMahon was sacked in the final seconds, there was no way to stop the clock and line up for one more play.

The End.

If a lot of this sounds stupid and disorganized, you can be excused for getting the right impression.

It is now understandable why Coach Dan Henning came up with his rule banning the media from the practice field. Anyone who has watched the past four games can surely guess his deep, dark secret.

Obviously, this team doesn’t practice.