Trying to Put Together a Toy Can Ruin Your Holiday Spirit
Now I know what the writers of tax forms do for a living during their off-season: They write instruction manuals.
It’s that time of year when unsuspecting consumers are off to buy holiday presents that sprout the phrase “assembly required.”
Sometimes the words are boldly displayed; but often the phrase is lettered in tiny print, somewhere below “Made in Czechoslovakia.”
Beware of the modifier “some.” What is the difference between “ some assembly required,” and “assembly required”? Perhaps the manufacturer is trying to convince you, in using the word “some,” that only a little bit is left to do. This is not necessarily so.
Sometimes the carton will state the time needed for assembly. “Takes only minutes to assemble” is an indicator of trouble. Why wasn’t the manufacturer more specific? Minutes lead into hours. Hours lead into days.
I purchased a swing set for my kids, and on the box it said, “three-minute frame assembly.” It took three days for my father-in-law (who is an engineer) and me to put the thing together. The frame may have taken only three minutes; but the swings, ladder, slide, glider and “sky shooter” required the other 4,317 minutes.
Another indicator of potential trouble is a listing of tools needed for assembly. If nothing is said about tools, you can assume that you will need a complete workshop because they didn’t have the room to list all the tools that are necessary.
If the label calls for a hammer, then assume that none of the parts really fit together, but will require smashing into place. One set of directions I have calls for a hammer and a block of wood. The manufacturers apparently didn’t want the buyer to mar the finish on the metal while pounding the bolts through the holes that didn’t quite match up.
Watch for tool lists that say “adjustable wrench.” “Adjustable” hints that assembly requires a variety of nuts and bolts, none of which fit any standard-size wrench or socket set.
Be aware that if the tool list specifies both a slotted-tip and a Phillips screwdriver, then the makers also expect you to know the difference between things like axle bolts, shoulder bolts, carriage bolts and hex bolts.
Never purchase anything that comes with its own “Special Tool.” The “Special Tool” will bend.
Above all, remember that locking nuts come loose easily.
If you get as far as opening the box and finding the instruction manual, watch for these pitfalls:
I bought an outdoor gas barbecue grill that came with two instruction booklets. On the front of instruction Book “B” was a big rectangle with the words: “READ INSTRUCTION BOOK ‘A’ FIRST!”
Were they afraid to give away the surprise ending? Needless to say, the tools needed included an adjustable wrench, slotted and Phillips screw drivers, and a hammer. Any fool could have seen that the summer would be over before I could get that grill together.
Look at the manual. Is it larger than the telephone book?
Does the manual have the words caution or important printed in bold letters? These are put in to specify paragraphs that are garbled or misprinted, so that you can’t feel confident about what you are doing.
If the instructions are printed in four languages, and the German is more understandable than the English, return the item before any further unpacking. But I have to give the German instructions credit. They don’t make up words, like “bell-shaped washer.” They call a wassergeschutzten a wassergeschutzten.
If the instructions say that this manual contains assembly instructions for more than one model, assume that every picture or illustration is for the model that you don’t have. After spending more than one hour trying to locate Slot D, take the asterisk seriously and read at the bottom of the page in small print that your model does not come with Slot D.
Does the manual have a parts list? Does the list have more parts than the corner hardware store?
Are there full-scale drawings of the parts? Do the parts included in the unopenable plastic bag look anything like the pictures?
Does the instruction manual have “exploded” drawings? These are drawings that show each part with a dotted line leading to where it theoretically should end up. Does the exploded drawing have smaller close-up exploded drawings of “special assemblies?” That means the draftsman could not figure out where the parts fitted onto the whole. (If a separate instruction book is included for a “special assembly,” then stop payment on your check.)
Never attempt to assemble a product that has a toll-free number to call for help. If you couldn’t understand the instructions while looking at the manual and parts, how do you think you are going to communicate your problem over the phone to somebody in Illinois?
