Taking a Look at Season of Lows and a Few Highs

The Colleges

Call it coincidence, but only after hard-liners at USC and Illinois canceled the Glasnost Bowl at Moscow did the wave of liberalization sweep through Eastern Europe.

--When Oski, the University of California mascot, was stopped at the metal detectors at Oakland Airport while in his Golden Bear outfit, he was forced to strip to his underwear in a restroom. Since his identity is a closely guarded secret, officials agreed not to remove his head.

--After the Humboldt State Lumberjacks had defeated the Whittier Poets, 29-6, radio play-by-play man Scot Johnson said: “I guess the ax sometimes is mightier than the pen.”

--Most meaningful time-of-possession statistic of the year: During the Miami-Notre Dame game, the two teams ran 126 plays; CBS ran 73 commercials.

--The University of Michigan banned marshmallows from the stands.

--Miami University revealed that students were being paid $4.25 an hour to spy on the school’s athletes to see if they were going to class.

--San Jose State linebacker Charles Burnham after a 40-33 victory over Stanford: “To beat a bunch of yuppies in uniform feels good.”

--During a 59-6 victory over SMU, a Notre Dame ballcarrier ran untouched for 22 yards and had a clear path to the end zone but darted out of bounds at the SMU three.

--Because of a computer virus, several fine schools were inadvertently ranked in the Bottom Ten this season, including Notre Dame, USC, Michigan, Auburn and one of the Miamis. Our sincere apologies to their athletic directors.

Arena Football

Joe Haering was reinstated as coach of the Pittsburgh Gladiators, two weeks after being suspended for punching out Arena Football Commissioner Jim Foster during a brawl in Sacramento.

The Cowboys

Thirty-seven Dallas cheerleaders staged a brief girlcott until rookie owner Jerry Jones rescinded an order for them to wear skimpier uniforms, act as “hostesses” at parties and appear in beer commercials. --The Cowboys reportedly held up rookie quarterback Troy Aikman’s $1.5-million paycheck until after banking hours one day, giving new meaning to the football term: “Held for no gain.”

The NFL

When CNN polled viewers on the first day of the U.S. invasion of Panama, a caller from Marion, Ohio, said: “If the Philadelphia Eagles aren’t allowed to put a bounty on the Dallas Cowboys, then Bush shouldn’t be allowed to go after Noriega.”

--NBC’s pregame show, formerly titled “NFL Live!” placed its exclamation mark on waivers, hired a game-site weatherman (the most meaningless innovation since sideline reporters) and drew derisive reviews for showing the performers on the “Insiders” segment talking on the telephone each week seconds before they went on the air.

--Second-string Charger quarterback Jim McMahon blew his nose on a San Diego Union reporter during an interview. Later, McMahon explained: “I’m finished with them (reporters).” (You’re probably finished with the NFL, too, Jim!)

--No-Shows (I): Redskin quarterback Mark Rypien was so upset after a last-minute loss to Philadelphia that he failed to attend a dinner engagement that night in Washington with Dan and Marilyn Quayle.

--During a preseason game, Cincinnati quarterback Boomer Esiason--standing on the sidelines--tried to incite a Superdome crowd into drawing a penalty, and then hid behind a teammate when officials looked in his direction.

--No-Shows (II): Even the Jimmy Hoffa Memorial End Zone was no lure for the 55,743 ticket-holders who passed up the Jets’ finale in East Rutherford, N.J.

--Cincinnati Coach Sam Wyche’s ready-made explanation to Bengal fans on why they don’t have a team in the playoffs: “You don’t live in Cleveland; you live in Cincinnati!”

--Columnist Herb Caen reported that the captain of a Continental Airlines plane, which had just flown the Raiders to Newark, N.J., told passengers on the next leg that they were running late because the “Raiders football team made such a filthy mess of this aircraft that it took us two hours to clean it up.”