All About Eve : What Do Women Think? Perhaps the Original First Lady Could Tell Us

MY MISCHIEVOUS correspondent--Patti Garrity of Manhattan Beach--asks me: “What woman in history would you most like to meet?” She says a friend at her health club asked the question of her.

She says: “I took all of two seconds to say, ‘Boy, would I like a word or two with Eve.’ ”

It is, of course, a ludicrous question. It has no built-in rules. Is one limited to women in history who are now dead? Or is one allowed to choose such living legends as Katharine Hepburn, Queen Elizabeth or Greta Garbo?

In any case, the language barrier would eliminate such women as Cleopatra, who spoke no English; Boadicea, the fierce British queen who almost drove the Romans out of England but who spoke only ancient Celtic, and Eve herself, who spoke God-knows-what language.

We do know that Adam’s and Eve’s first words (and thus history’s) were perfect palindromes: When Adam said, “Madam, I’m Adam,” Eve replied, “Eve.”

From Mark Twain’s translation of Adam’s diary, we know that it was Eve who named the animals, not Adam. I’d like to ask her how she came up with hippopotamus and platypus. Also I’d like to ask her where Cain’s mate came from.

Language also eliminates Marie Antoinette. Marie probably had learned some English from the court, but I doubt that it would permit much badinage between us. But I’d like to ask her whether she said, “If they have no bread, let them eat cake.” She may have been frivolous, but she was also compassionate. I suspect that what she really said was, “If they have no bread, give them cake.”

One thinks inevitably of Joan of Arc, but I wouldn’t know what to say to her, even if she spoke English. I would like her to know that I think she got a raw deal from the English court that tried her for heresy and sentenced her to the stake.

Will Durant described Madame de Pompadour as “one of the most remarkable women in history, dowered with such beauty and grace as blinded most men to her sins.” She not only seduced Louis XV, but protected Voltaire and other dangerous thinkers, built palaces and chateaux, stimulated the arts, obtained pensions, titles and commissions for worthy men, and virtually ruled France from the king’s bed. But if I were to seek an audience with Pompadour, she would probably say, “Please rid me of that scrivener.”

Obviously, there are too many barriers to a conversation with historic women. Would we regard them as living or as resurrected? Would we talk about their ends? Cleopatra, Boadicea, Marie Antoinette and Joan of Arc all died by violence. I don’t know what happened to Eve, but she was certainly in some disgrace.

It might be fun to talk with Isadora Duncan; she was so free of spirit. I’d like to know what she thinks about right-to-life versus free choice. But there are some heroic women whom I might find too righteous. For example, I’m not sure that I’d enjoy a conversation with Carrie Nation.

But truly, I’d have almost nothing in common with any of these women. I don’t care what person I’m talking with, the conversation tends to fall into small talk, and how could I talk small talk with someone who has never heard of TV, movies or baseball?

I have no small talk at all about Creation, ancient Egypt, Roman Britain, the French Revolution or interpretive dance. I’d probably start out by suggesting a drink, and things would degenerate from there.

I have had the pleasure of private conversations with some women of note: Julie Andrews, Debbie Reynolds, Olivia De Havilland, Ella Fitzgerald, Ginger Rogers, Tempest Storm. All were charming, but the conversations were in fact interviews, and the women were understandably cautious. I didn’t feel that I had uncovered any secrets, and by now, no doubt, they have all forgotten our talks.

And what would be the point of these conversations for the historic women? Why would they be willing to talk with me? Who would arrange our meetings? Their press agents? God?

The whole idea is fantasy. Frankly, I have never found much to be gained by talking to celebrities. One may interview political figures to extract something of public interest, but I doubt that any conversation between and me and such persons as Katharine Hepburn, Queen Elizabeth or Greta Garbo would yield many intimacies or exciting ideas.

I’m ready, though, any time you are, Katharine, Elizabeth and Greta. That also goes for Chris Evert, Jane Fonda, Gloria Allred and Margaret Thatcher.

Meanwhile, I think the woman I’d most like to talk with would be my wife. I mean really talk. I’ve always wondered what she thinks.