Low Self-Image Brings High Risk of Jealousy

An acquaintance recently broke an engagement with her fiance because he could not control his bouts of jealousy. For three years she was steadfastly loyal, yet he continued to look for evidence to support his fears. Such non-events as her arriving home a half-hour late or speaking with another man were contorted into clandestine affairs in his fertile imagination.

How could people feel jealous about someone who has chosen to spend time with them? And if jealous people really believe that their partner is scouting around for someone better, why not just cut them loose?

The answer: Jealous people are not emotionally healthy, Dr. David Viscott says.

“It goes on in a lot more relationships than people care to admit,” says the Los Angeles-based psychiatrist and KABC Talkradio host, who for two hours each weekday dispenses advice to 82,000 Orange County listeners--one-third of his total audience--according to KABC listener demographics.

“Jealousy is nothing more than the lack of belief in your own worth to the point where you no longer feel that the feelings generated by you in another person are special,” he says. Viscott believes that some people measure their own self-worth by the affections of another. “They experience anxiety any time that they cannot feel the other person actively in love with them.”

He says that since love itself is a peculiar emotion--and fickle by definition--a partner’s feelings are sometimes inconstant “because there are times when that person does not feel good about themselves.”

What if a partner seems intent on making you feel jealous? Viscott says that a person with a strong belief in himself will not feel threatened, even if his partner is obviously flirting with another.

People are attracted to other people throughout life, and this does not necessarily portend infidelity, he says.

A person who is overtly flirtatious may be trying to see how bound he or she is to the relationship, he explains.

“They are testing out what it feels like to have an affair or to be unfaithful right in front of their partner’s eyes; therefore it can’t be that serious a thing. The person will rationalize that they are permitted this testing excursion. If the partner doesn’t react, they may think that the partner doesn’t care and that they should continue the behavior until the other person does care.”

But these kind of individuals, he warns, never put responsibility on themselves or ask themselves “What do I want?” or “Does what I’m doing feel right?”

If a partner is being unkind or obnoxious about flirting, chances are that the relationship is punctuated by jealousy and the behavior is probably ongoing.

Viscott cautions that “the person who lives with a jealous person is in a jealous relationship” and contends that the weakest trait of the weakest partner defines a relationship.

“Living in a jealous relationship is basically living in a place where the person you love doesn’t love himself and is accusing you of not loving him, so that whether or not this is true, you are constantly living with false accusations.”

Since such accusations hurt, the result is a buildup of anger toward the accuser, Viscott says.

“When you are pushed into a defensive position you are irritated all the time. Sometimes you may act in an openly flirtatious manner with the sole purpose of hurting your partner’s feelings just because they are so vulnerable to jealousy.”

People who are overtly jealous, he says, often see their partner as just an object. “They believe that someone else--an acquisition--is the answer, instead of believing they are enough all by themselves.” That, he says, can lead to believing that the other person is worthy of someone greater than you.

Viscott offers the following suggestions if you find yourself caught in the clutches of the green-eyed monster, or when someone falsely accuses you of a transgression: “Say to them, ‘You are feeling insecure, aren’t you? Why?’ ”

Viscott’s advice to those immobilized by jealousy: “Ask yourself why you don’t believe in yourself. Then find something to do that makes you feel good about yourself independent of the other person.”