The Sad News Is No News

So, baseball players have been locked out of spring training, have they?

Good.

Spring training? We don’t need no stinking spring training.

Spring training is bad for you. This has been proven beyond dispute, season after season.

The single good thing about spring training is that it gives people from Florida and Arizona something to do besides shake the sand out of their shoes.

Nothing good ever happens in spring training. The new commissioner of baseball should do away with spring training. There ought to be a law against spring training.

We already have 162 games for each team and as many as 14 postseason games. That’s enough.

Spring training is such a drag, Tom Lasorda’s diet gets news coverage.

Maybe this year his players will bet Lasorda he can’t eat 50 hard-boiled eggs in an hour.

Spring training is the place where New York Mets who aren’t in rehab centers get into fistfights.

Spring training is the place where Pedro Guerrero slides into third base the way the American Trader slid into Huntington Beach.

Spring training is the place where Guerrero repeatedly shows up late with visa problems, leading Mickey Hatcher to consider telling the Dodgers he’s arriving late because of MasterCard problems.

Spring training is the place where Marge Schott and Kal Daniels flip a coin to decide whether he gets a $25,000 raise.

Spring training is the place where Kirk Gibson makes a federal case out of Jesse Orosco playing a practical joke, and people rave about the incredible new leadership Gibson has brought to the Dodgers.

Spring training is the place where the Milwaukee Brewers’ boiler blows up.

Spring training is the place where Mark Fidrych steps into a gopher hole shagging fly balls and ruins his career.

Spring training is the place where Rickey Henderson happens to mention that a few of the Yankees knocked back a few too many beers the previous season, whereupon a New York newspaper runs a giant headline that reads: “BRONX BOOZERS.”

Spring training is the place where Dave Kingman and Guillermo Hernandez dump buckets of water over reporters’ heads, but nobody mentions the incredible new leadership they have brought to their clubs.

Spring training is the place where the Texas Rangers actually believe (ha, ha, ha, ho, ho, ho, this is hilarious) this is going to be their year.

Spring training is the place where some of the (duh) experts blame the management of the Angels for rushing Jim Abbott to the majors before he’s ready.

Spring training is the place where Jose Canseco plays pedestrian roulette.

Spring training is the place where Wade Boggs runs around, stretches, swings and does his (wink) calisthenics.

Spring training is the place where some guy comes in to pitch wearing No. 97.

Spring training is the place where Commissioner Bowie Kuhn announces that the returning Iran hostages are to be given lifetime major league passes, whereupon TV football commentator Beano Cook asks: “Haven’t they suffered enough?”

Spring training is the place where Pete Rose used to bring new meaning to the term lay one down .

Spring training is the place where Bill Veeck is asked what his first act would be if he were named commissioner, and his reply is: “Resign.”

Spring training is the place where a Detroit photographer desperate for a new angle asks Lance Parrish to pose with a live tiger--and he does.

Spring training is the place where pitching screwball Larry Andersen thinks up such lines as: “Is it a coincidence that Washington and Lincoln were both born on holidays?”

Spring training is the place where Seattle Mariner fans realize that they are always going to get more for their money at home games, because they are always going to see a bottom of the ninth.

Spring training is the place where Willie Mays is asked by a fan to hit a home run, and he replied: “What row?”

Spring training is the place where Bob Uecker says he experienced the greatest thrill of his baseball career, walking with the bases loaded.

Spring training is the place where Birdie Tebbetts is asked what the difference is between his rookie pitchers and his veterans, and he replies: “What’s the difference between carpenters and cabinetmakers?”

Spring training is the place where, as Spaceman Bill Lee summed it up, “You’re supposed to sit on your butt, spit on the ground and nod at stupid things.”

Ah, come to think of it, I miss spring training terribly.