Solid Rapport Built on Bold but Careful Steps

Marcy works as a paralegal for a Santa Ana law firm. Each workday morning she hopes to catch a ride in the elevator with a handsome young lawyer who works in the same building. She lunches at the same cafe he does, and she checks courthouse dockets for his scheduled appearances, then goes there to see him.

“The other day he was carrying a tennis racquet to his car. I’m a pretty good player, so I finally struck up a conversation.”

Is she obsessed?

A little, perhaps.

Is she dangerous? No.

Marcy is an otherwise well-balanced young woman with a crush on a nice young lawyer.

“People who are fascinated by someone often engage in a variety of clever behaviors geared to placing them in close proximity to the object of their affections,” says Kenneth Fineman, Ph.D., a Huntington Beach-based psychologist and associate professor at UC Irvine’s California School of Medicine. According to him, Marcy is on the right track.

Fineman maintains that when you’re near someone, you increase your chances of being noticed. First, Fineman says, comes eye contact, then a nod or a wave. Verbal acknowledgment--a greeting--often precedes a short, sustained conversation. He suggests “small talk--safe talk--nothing in depth, but enough to ensure that future conversations will continue.”

But an instant rapport needs follow-up action: “You have to let the other person know what your intentions are; otherwise he or she will assume that you are just being friendly or polite; that you are content with a casual friendship.”

Tony, now engaged to Kris, was once her best male friend. Throughout their three-year friendship, she never suspected he had a crush on her.

“She worked in the office next door to mine,” Tony recalls. “I was attracted to her right away, but she was so pretty I didn’t think I stood a chance.”

Kris says: “Tony was really nice, but he wasn’t the type I went for. He was too thin. He had gorgeous eyes, but you could barely see them through his thick glasses.”

One day Tony and Kris went to the beach together. As they were talking, he asked her what kind of man was physically attractive to her. The following week, he joined a gym and was fitted for contact lenses. When Kris noticed how much healthier he looked she told him, and that gave him the courage to reveal his feelings. “We started dating and the rest is history,” he beams.

“Finding out what the other person is looking for in a mate is sometimes intimidating, but very important because it helps you to evaluate whether or not you fit their parameters. It also allows you to make slight corrections or adjustments that you deem appropriate,” Fineman says.

Take cues and respect the other person’s feelings, adds Fineman: “Sure, you may feel rejected when someone doesn’t return your interest” but worse, he insists, are “unrequited, obsessive feelings for someone, which can be damaging to your self-esteem and annoying to them.”

If you like someone, Fineman says, tell them. Both men and women appreciate directness.

“In general, the only time people feel uncomfortable with such declarations is if these feelings are not mutual or if the interested person keeps persisting against the other’s wishes.”

He says “unrequited interest may be disappointing, even embarrassing, but isn’t it worth a few awkward moments to find out where you stand?”