MIXED MEDIA : * “HEARTS OF FIRE” Starring Bob Dylan, Fiona, Rupert Everett <i> Warner Home Video ($</i> 89<i> .</i> 95<i> )</i> :<i> A periodic survey of pop-related laser discs, books and videocassettes. Rated on a scale of one (poor) to five stars (a classic.) : </i>

Not only arguably the worst rock ‘n’ roll movie of all time, but easily the worst Joe Eszterhas screenplay ever--what better recommendation could a slap-happy masochist need for a hoot-filled night around the video camp “Fire”? If Bob Dylan is slightly credible as a washed-up rocker, try to picture blank, tuneless Rupert Everett as a Time magazine cover superstar whose awful techno-pop inspires New Kids-like hysteria, or Fiona as the 18-year-old airhead discovery--coveted by them both--who, magically, draws screaming sellout crowds to her very first concerts. Dylan gamely enunciates his lines but it’s clear from his dazed look that he already realized what an incalculably embarrassing career choice he’d made.