Still Putting Around With the Idea of Playing Golf

My resolution to start playing golf again has not been carried out, except in my mind.

I am doing a lot of thinking about it, and meanwhile I have received a great deal of heartening encouragement.

My plan was modest--hit a few practice balls, maybe take a lesson, then start out at the Los Feliz pitch and putt course, so that I could finish up with a plate of ham and eggs at the nearby EAT restaurant. (I’m told it has another name, but I didn’t see any sign.)

While ham and eggs are not supposed to be good for me, I figure the damage will be offset by the exercise.

Several readers have offered to fill out my foursome. So far I have only my wife and my friend Duke Russell.

“I was concerned when you were out ill recently,” writes Harvey Korman, “and now that you’ve retaken up golf, I’m really worried. Golf is a Zen pursuit--that which seeks abrupt enlightenment, and I question whether you’re up to that right now. However, if you persist, I’ll be happy to fill our your foursome. You need not be intimidated. I’ll easily match 7s with you.”

The question right now, of course, is whether I can actually shoot a seven or not. I’m not sure I can even get on the green.

Perhaps I would be better off taking an offer from Isobel Edwards of Santa Clarita: “You are starting your return to 3-par golf where I have arrived at age 83.” she writes. “I have a foursome of 80-year-olds (one 85) and we play at daybreak two times a week. Great for arthritic knees. You and your wife have an invitation to play our Friendly Valley 3-par course as my guest.”

I’m not intimidated by a foursome of octogenarians, but if they tee off at daybreak, forget it.

“Delighted I was to read (of) your rather tentative return to golf,” writes Gerald R. O’Gara. “Stay with it, Jack, as I’m of your era and I can still pack a full bag of sticks and walk the full 18 holes and enjoy a few at the 19th.”

Of course a 9-hole course doesn’t have a 19th. I wonder if it has a 10th?

Not everyone was encouraging. Nicolas Polos, associate professor of history at La Verne College, reminded me that Mark Twain called golf “a good walk spoiled.” Polos added: “I think you will rue the day you took up with this diabolical game. Better you should collect stamps. . . . “

Robert E. Colman of Palm Desert is even more solicitous: “Jack, take my advice--forget golf. Do what you’ve always done--ogle the girls, have lewd thoughts, imagine yourself to be 40 years younger than you really are. . . . “

He needn’t worry. In taking up golf, I certainly don’t intend to give up any of those other pastimes.

I know, of course, that in some ways golf is ridiculous. It is nothing but hitting a ball around a meadow with a stick. As Winston Churchill said, “Playing golf is like chasing a quinine pill around a cow pasture.”

I must admit that I was taken aback, at first, by several letters urging me to take up lawn bowling instead of golf. Lawn bowling? I’m afraid I had stereotyped lawn bowlers as old geezers wearing suspenders and hats.

One invitation comes from William H. Todd, circulation manager of the magazine Bowls. “Lawn bowling is a challenging game, using moderate exercise,” he says. “One will walk about three-fourths of a mile during an average game. The game is played mostly by elder citizens, but many working people play weekends and evenings.”

C. G. L. Morley writes: “May I suggest that you consider lawn bowling, which, I think, might be of greater benefit to you. Firstly, it imposes no shock load on your system as when, in golf, the club head strikes the ball. Secondly, it gently exercises every muscle in the body, which means that the game can be played with benefit by people of advancing years (I am 83). Although some regard it as an old people’s game, the preponderance of people who play are middle aged or less.”

Dick Cole, division secretary of the American Lawn Bowls Assn., sends a pamphlet titled: “You Can Be a Lawn Bowler--All you have to do is nod your head! (and wear flat-soled shoes.)”

“Lawn bowling entered my life two years ago and golf vanished,” says Cole. “Lawn bowling is a fabulous, inexpensive fun sport that women can play equally well with men--a game of finesse.”

My strength is declining. My coordination is suspect. But I think I still have finesse.

I might try it. I can’t be any sillier than chasing a quinine pill around a cow pasture.