At Least It’s Food for Thought

Five films later, I have now seen every single minute of every single “Rocky” movie, and I still think the guy he ought to be beating up is his brother-in-law.

Alydar. Northern Dancer. Go For Wand. I don’t know if God rides, but he has a heck of a stable.

A halftime tribute to civil rights? Uh, golly, thanks, Fiesta Bowlers, but I don’t think a marching band playing “We Shall Overcome” was exactly what Martin Luther King’s followers had in mind.

If Dave Righetti pitches for Tom Lasorda next season, we’ll have Righetti and meatballs.

OK, I’ve seen enough. First team that wins a bowl game gets to be the No. 1 college team in the nation.

Cal State Fullerton’s football players held an intra-squad scrimmage last week. They lost.

Fullerton vs. George Foreman. Let’s talk about it.

I have seen the Rams’ so-called defense, and it could use Dexter Manley. But isn’t this the same team with all those drug-abuse warnings plastered all over the place?

“Rocky VI” Still suffering from brain damage, Rocky Balboa pays $500 for a ringside seat to a fight.

When Miami starts playing Notre Dame’s schedule, that’s when you can vote Miami No. 1 with two defeats.

Anybody who votes the Heisman Trophy to that University of Houston quarterback--as they did to that last University of Houston quarterback--should be ashamed. Let’s stop rewarding people from a football program famous for two things: Being on probation and running up the score on opponents.

“Rocky VII” Still getting into street brawls, even though he has brain damage, Rocky Balboa takes a job in wife Adrian’s pet store--as a pet.

Joe Montana. Flesh and blood or incredible, invincible robot creature from Mars? You make the call.

I hear Tom Browning’s new contract with the Cincinnati Reds includes an incentive clause paying his wife big money not to have babies during World Series games.

Went to Sea World last week to see that whale. For a minute there, it was the Buster Douglas thing all over again.

“Rocky VIII” Inspired by the real-life Ken Griffey Sr.-Jr. story, Rocky Balboa comes out of retirement for a title fight against his boy. Still suffering from brain damage, Pop Balboa loses when Junior pulls old “Yo, your shoelace is untied” trick. Junior shaves head into Mohawk and defects to Soviet Union. Brain damage worse than ever, Rocky Sr. takes job as sportswriter.

Giants-49ers a tossup? Ha! Easiest prediction of season. Giants win next week. The 49ers win rematch in playoffs.

Well, 1990 is almost up. Sam Wyche said anything intelligent yet?

Come on. John Robinson is not what’s wrong with the Rams, and you know it.

So, Monica Seles and Gaby Sabatini played five sets, did they? Maybe now we can finally discuss this equal-pay-for-women thing.

Give that NFL investigator two more weeks and he will probably fine Lisa Olson a couple of thousand dollars.

Give the Mets two more weeks and they’ll probably tell you Darryl Strawberry isn’t even left-handed.

Gene Shalit from NBC sent me a note saying he’s so embarrassed by the Mets’ statements on Strawberry, he thinks “New York should change its nickname from the Big Apple to the Sour Grape.”

Mark Davis last year, Mike Boddicker this year . . . are the Kansas City Royals owned by some Iraq oil guy or what?

“Rocky IX” Wife leaves 300-pound Rocky for muscular Mexican flyweight. Son much smarter than Rocky, runs down art-museum steps because it’s easier. Brother-in-law makes fortune promoting senior boxing tour. Rocky wins first fight, but is disqualified for using Uzi automatic weapon and long knife with razor-sharp teeth. Stallone apologizes for momentarily slipping into wrong character.

I have seen the football bowl lineup, and my New Year’s resolution is to watch basketball.

Barry Bonds MVP? Rickey Henderson MVP? You can’t kid me. They’re exactly the same player.

I see golf’s “Skins Game” is coming up. Oh, good. I sure hope one of those millionaires wins another million.

With this Milli Vanilli situation, now they’ll have to strip Ram kicker Mike Lansford of any award he wins for that TV commercial of his.

OK, here’s Jerry Tarkanian’s final offer to the NCAA, take it or leave it. He doesn’t come within 500 miles of the Final Four. He donates 50% of all money forfeited by Runnin’ Rebel bail bondsmen. He refuses to recruit in Idaho for two seasons. He guarantees NCAA big-shots best table for Wayne Newton midnight show. He gives back all Long Beach victories for years coached there. He rescinds offer to have UNLV play in tournament four-against-five.

“Rocky X” New wife puts red, white and blue trunks in laundry with regular whites, really ticks Rocky off. Returns to gym for workout, beats up Stu Nahan. Runs down street, hears “Gonna Fly Now” music, finds composer and beats him up. “Enough!” he says.