Bloom Has Gone Off the Rose Bowl

The Iowa coach and the Washington coach came to Pasadena to plug the Rose Bowl.

The Iowa coach represents the Big Ten this season, which isn’t saying much.

The Washington coach represents the Pacific 10 this season, which is saying more, but not much more.

The Iowa coach says: “We’re looking forward to New Year’s Day.”

The Washington coach says: “And we’re looking forward to New Year’s Day.”

And that makes two of them.

The Iowa coach says: “Our team has many fine football players.”

The Washington coach says: “And our team has many fine football players.”

Oh, yeah? Name two.

The Iowa coach says: “We’re looking forward to that California weather.”

The Washington coach says: “And we’re looking forward to that California weather.”

Wonderful. Let them go to the Freedom Bowl or Holiday Bowl or someplace.

The Iowa coach says: “There’s something special about the Rose Bowl.”

The Washington coach says: “Yes, there’s something special about the Rose Bowl.”

Yeah. It never gets to invite Notre Dame or Miami or Penn State. That makes it special.

The Iowa coach says: “We wouldn’t want to be in no other bowl.”

The Washington coach says: “Nor would we want to be in any other bowl.”

(The Washington coach speaks better than the Iowa coach.)

Anyway, neither of you have any choice, so what’s the difference?

The Iowa coach says: “And, of course, we’re looking forward to the pageantry and the parade.”

The Washington coach says: “Likewise.”

Good thing, too, because the parade is going to be a lot more interesting than the game.

(Come to think of it, the parade is frequently more interesting than the game.)

The Iowa coach says: “And I’ll bet my boys eat more beef than your boys at that restaurant Beef Bowl.”

The Washington coach says: “No, I’ve seen my boys eat, and my boys eat like piranha on a feeding frenzy, so my boys will eat more beef than your boys.”

Which will be another one of those hilarious holiday stories enjoyed by homeless people everywhere.

The Iowa coach says: “I know we finished in a four-way tie for first place, but I still feel we deserve being in the Rose Bowl.”

The Washington coach says: “And I know we sort of fell on our face there late in the season, but I feel we also deserve being in the Rose Bowl.”

Yes, you do. You deserve one another.

The Iowa coach says: “There isn’t going to be a better bowl game anywhere.”

The Washington coach says: “Yep, there isn’t going to be a better bowl game anywhere.”

Truer and sadder words were never spoken.

The Iowa coach says: “I don’t believe there’s any real need for a four-team postseason tournament in college football.”

The Washington coach says: “Me, neither.”

(Momentarily slipping into the Iowa coach’s lingo.)

Anyway, good, because neither of you would have been in a four-team postseason tournament.

The Iowa coach says: “Records and rankings don’t matter. It’s the spirit of competition that matters.”

The Washington coach says: “And you can throw the record book out the window for this one.”

Good. We already have.

The Iowa coach says: “I think the Big Ten and Pac-10 should continue playing one another in the Rose Bowl, same as always.”

The Washington coach says: “Tradition is important, so I also think the Big Ten and Pac-10 should continue playing one another.”

The Iowa coach says: “Besides, there are so many bowls now, you can’t tell them apart.”

The Washington coach says: “Yeah, there are so many bowls now, you can’t keep track of them.”

Oh, yes, we can. The Orange Bowl is the one that invites the most highly ranked team it can find. The Fiesta Bowl is the one that invites any team that is willing to place money ahead of pride. And the Blockbuster Bowl is the one that is brand new and already has a better game than the Rose Bowl.

The Iowa coach says: “Only a month to go now before the Rose Bowl. I can’t wait.”

The Washington coach says: “Yes, it’s December, and that means it’s almost January. I can’t wait.”

We can.

Author’s note: These coaches didn’t actually say these things. I said them for them. The Rose Bowl will be played Jan. 1 in Pasadena, and plenty of good tickets remain. PLENTY of good tickets.