. . . And to All a Good Grief!

Holiday classics especially designed for television . . .

Frosty the anchorman was a jolly, happy soul,

With a corny line and a button nose

And two eyes made of coal.

Frosty the anchorman is a fairy tale they say,

He was sure all show but the troops do know

How he came to life one day.

There must have been some magic

In that old gas mask they found,

For when they placed it on his head

He began to dance around.

O, Frosty the anchorman was alive as he could be,

And the Marines say he could laugh and play

Just the same as you and me.

Frosty the anchorman knew the sun was hot that day,

So he said, “Let’s tape and we’ll have some fun

Now before I fade away.”

Down to the front lines, with microphone in hand

Taping here and there and everywhere, sayin’,

“Catch me if you can.”

He led this crew through a town

Right to a Saudi cop,

And he paused only a moment when

He heard him holler, “Stop!”

For Frosty the anchorman had to hurry on his way.

But he waved goodby, sayin’, “Don’t you cry,

I’ll be back again some day.”

Thumpety thump thump, thumpety thump thump,

That Frosty is some show.

Thumpety thump thump, thumpety thump thump,

The viewers he did snow.

Roseanne, the red-nosed reindeer,

Has a very whiny voice,

And if you ever hear it,

Chances are it’s not by choice.

All of the other reindeer

Always laugh and call her names;

They never let poor Roseanne

Join in any reindeer games.

Then one foggy Christmas Eve,

Santa came to say:

“Roseanne, with your voice so crummy,

Don’t ever sing to me, you dummy.

Then how the tabloids mocked her

And printed this with glee:

“Roseanne, the red-nosed reindeer,

Poorest voice in history.”

Put on sex, no hesitating,

Fa la la la la la la la la!

‘Tis the time for Nielsen rating,

Fa la la la la la la la la!

Don we now our lewd apparel,

Fa la la la la la la la la!

Troll the ancient Nielsen carol,

Fa la la la la la la la la!

See the 30 share before us,

Fa la la la la la la la la!

People meters, join the chorus,

Fa la la la la la la la la!

Follow me in sexual pleasure,

Fa la la la la la la la la!

While I tell of ratings treasure,

Fa la la la la la la la la!

Jingle Bart, Jingle Bart,

Jingle all the way!

O what fun it is to ride

A TV hit this way!

Jingle Bart, Jingle Lisa,

Marge and Homer, too!

Oh what laughs and profits here

All because of you!

‘Twas the night before Christmas, and on TV

Not a talk show was stirring, not even Johnny.

The stockings were hung by the chimney with care,

In hopes that St. Nicholas soon would be there.

The children were nestled all snug in their beds.

While visions of Mutant Ninja Turtles danced in their heads.

And mamma in her kerchief and I in my cap,

Had just settled our brains for a long winter’s nap,

When out in the den there arose such a clatter,

I sprang from my bed to see what was the matter.

Away to the entertainment center I flew like a flash,

Tore open the doors and broke out in a rash.

The moon from outdoors cast a luminous sheen,

Giving a luster of midday to objects on the screen.

When what to my wondering eyes should appear like ghosts,

But a miniature sleigh and six tiny talk-show hosts.

With a little old driver, so lively and quick

I knew in a moment it must be St. Nick.

More rapid than eagles his coursers they came

And he whistled and shouted, and called them by name:

“Now, Oprah! Now, Sally! Now, Joan and Phil!

On, Geraldo! On, Arsenio! Ready for a thrill?

To the top of the porch, to the top of the wall!

Now dash away, dash away, dash away all!”

But as the talk-show hosts soared higher and higher,

Something happened that made them expire.

Without warning, they were cut loose by St. Nick,

Who, winking his eye, watched them plummet real quick.

As I drew back, and was turning around,

I heard them crash to the ground.

And exclaimed St. Nick from out of sight,

“Happy Christmas to viewers, and to all a good night!”