Hoag Staff Puts Its Heart Into a Whodunit : Health campaign: The hospital staff has dramatized in a spoof the factors that contribute to heart disease as part of an annual program.

Private investigator Nick Blake unlocked his office door and lunged for the phone.

Cardiologist Joe Goodheart was on the line, and he sounded grim.

A 43-year-old patient was having chest pains, and, Goodheart said darkly, “I don’t think we’re talking natural causes--if you know what I mean.”

So begins “The Cardiac Conspiracy,” a mini-novel/detective story/spoof written by Hoag Hospital’s public relations department in which the Blake hunts down “the toughest bunch of criminals that ever clogged an artery.”

In 16-action-packed pages, Hoag writers get to the heart of the crime, describing the gritty truth--the risk factors for heart disease.

Among the villains: seductive chain smoker Sylvia Smokely, who’s been “a close friend” of the victim since he was 15; professional hit man “Sly Highblood who always uses a silencer,” and Penny Pudgely, a grandmotherly cook whose “Recipe for Heart Disease” is a fast road to cardiac arrest. In addition to her lethal “sausage gravy,” she recommends taking “large, daily portions of eggs, cheese, heavy cream, butter and fatty red meats,” and then, “Don’t stir, just let sit: by leading a sedentary lifestyle.”

Mailed to 85,000 area residents this week, Hoag’s “suspense novel” is actually a creative invitation to the hospital’s fourth annual Hoag Heart Week, from Feb. 8 to 16.

Each year at Valentine’s Day, Hoag’s doctors and public relations staff produce a series of educational programs and materials about ways to prevent and diagnose heart disease. Trying to capture a broad audience, they decided this year to have some fun with their topic, director of public relations Gail Love said. Thus “The Cardiac Conspiracy.”

In addition to mailing out their detective story, Hoag is sending its cardiac killers on the road. Over the next few weeks, actors dressed as Blake, Smokely and the rest of the gang will visit local schools to talk about heart disease.

For all Hoag’s humor, the statistics on heart disease are grim. Considered the No. 1 cause of death in adults, it kills nearly 1 million Americans every year.

As part of its Heart Week campaign, Hoag is also offering cholesterol screenings, cooking classes, lectures on cardiac risk factors and a black-tie “SweetHeart Ball” to benefit the Hoag Heart Institute.

Some programs require advance registration. For further information on Hoag Heart Week--and free copies of “The Cardiac Conspiracy”--call (714) 760 5921.